tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-43640758506372926262024-03-14T03:09:49.932-05:00Bang head here...2 women trying to make a babycindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.comBlogger184125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-2290011447077509862010-04-09T15:05:00.002-05:002010-04-09T15:05:53.118-05:00Ultrasound #2<a href="http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/">New post at the annex</a><br />
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Feeling happy and content.cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-31951039763888728822010-03-30T18:54:00.000-05:002010-03-30T18:54:27.422-05:00New postStress and a poll<br />
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<a href="http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/">http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/</a><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqdFuzIbWH1t7MiD6Wg_-z4EsTbyu8cEzMAHQibGxMBxDbLo7xDfPjHoW0HEvK8KqLjUNgJMh3DFLIHsxBpCLNIxgOU-77K9pb9cuBu67gdPi_FFoQvITJuPLt1zctu_29y46rX__CG1k/s1600/joey+the+kangaroo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" nt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgqdFuzIbWH1t7MiD6Wg_-z4EsTbyu8cEzMAHQibGxMBxDbLo7xDfPjHoW0HEvK8KqLjUNgJMh3DFLIHsxBpCLNIxgOU-77K9pb9cuBu67gdPi_FFoQvITJuPLt1zctu_29y46rX__CG1k/s320/joey+the+kangaroo.jpg" /></a></div>cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-23489815426444556702010-03-22T19:23:00.000-05:002010-03-22T19:23:00.792-05:00Beta #3<a href="http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/2010/03/22/telling-the-tale-and-beta-3">http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/2010/03/22/telling-the-tale-and-beta-3</a>cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-9870800568460707352010-03-16T07:50:00.001-05:002010-03-16T07:50:49.548-05:00New post at the annexcindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-60121870431872812822010-03-15T11:40:00.002-05:002010-03-15T11:40:54.310-05:00LobotomyYup, the 2ww.<br />
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<a href="http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/2010/03/15/please-lobotomize-me/">http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/2010/03/15/please-lobotomize-me/</a><br />
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.cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-7533991291594983092010-03-10T20:48:00.000-06:002010-03-10T20:48:51.126-06:00You again?!An old spirit rears its ugly head.<br />
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<a href="http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/">http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/</a>cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-52661088533363452932010-03-08T13:23:00.000-06:002010-03-08T13:23:16.524-06:00Happy embryosFollow me. <br />
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<a href="http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/">http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/</a>cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-65092899906655568292010-03-04T18:58:00.000-06:002010-03-04T18:58:37.091-06:00Fertilization report7 eggs ICSI'd: five eggs fertilized. Very excited. Joey even had a moment of utter confidence today. Tomorrow we find out if we have 3 or 5 day transfer. I am really hoping for the 5 day, that means the embryos are looking better.cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-19518079316958082152010-03-03T17:43:00.000-06:002010-03-03T17:43:37.101-06:00Egg thaw day<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9AezWOjDypxMqiioDMX2MYmmc34kwtxuPtkMO7C0rR4C5kNfCKyTeuHFjtVUdZlNNW3ZHzZCFlGcDRAxZzUM76iW6HkIuzdmRpRb7zLwj8bsH_emeoIZ3lWcce2BrVIdqMG04YEQSywk/s1600-h/cartoon+egg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" kt="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9AezWOjDypxMqiioDMX2MYmmc34kwtxuPtkMO7C0rR4C5kNfCKyTeuHFjtVUdZlNNW3ZHzZCFlGcDRAxZzUM76iW6HkIuzdmRpRb7zLwj8bsH_emeoIZ3lWcce2BrVIdqMG04YEQSywk/s320/cartoon+egg.jpg" /></a></div><br />
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<a href="http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/">http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/</a>cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-37359361894992471152010-02-23T21:38:00.000-06:002010-02-23T21:38:21.997-06:00In which I talk about my unconsciousHi, I am still cross-posting for a little while longer. You might want to update your reader as I plan to fully move over soon. <br />
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Here is the link to a new post in the other side. :)<br />
<a href="http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/">http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/</a>cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-13703159802517361442010-02-15T21:13:00.003-06:002010-02-15T21:14:51.726-06:00follow the white rabbitHere's another gem for you to regard.<br />
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<a href="http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/">http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/</a>cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-59591131003302586122010-02-11T16:09:00.001-06:002010-02-11T16:10:19.822-06:00AddictedYes folks, I have strayed from my original blog-love and I am getting attached. I cannot seem to stop myself from using all the features.<br />
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I will likely be changing over for good soon but I will continue to cross-post for a while.<br />
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New post: <a href="http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/2010/02/11/getting-a-life-swirlie-and-other-adventures/">http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/2010/02/11/getting-a-life-swirlie-and-other-adventures/</a>cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-26049987109532609952010-02-10T00:04:00.003-06:002010-02-10T00:05:22.921-06:00EffortfulI wanted to create a password-protected post. So I had to create a whole other account. Email me for the password and follow this link.<br />
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Sorry to be so complicated.<br />
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<a href="http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/2010/02/10/the-tough-stuff/">http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/2010/02/10/the-tough-stuff/</a>cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-379683495662991822010-01-31T18:45:00.000-06:002010-01-31T18:45:05.777-06:00SSBSecret Single Behavior... does everyone remember the Sex a/t City episode where they talked about their secret single behaviors? I never thought I had any but all evidence to the contrary. <br />
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I dropped Joey at the airport today then did a bit of shopping on my way back home. I literally spent hours in <a href="mailto:T@rget">T@rget</a> wandering the aisles and buying a few things. On the way home, I thought about stopping to buy myself some dinner but decided that I would rather make a meal Joey would complain about-- red beans and brown rice with veggies. Since getting home I have colored my hair (goodbye greys!), have had a soak in the hot tub, have done laundry, cleaned house and have given myself a mani/pedi. I am planning on a facial, exfoliating and hanging a new shower curtain rod later tonight. Who knows I may end the evening with some yoga followed by wine and a <a href="mailto:Sund@nce">Sund@nce</a> movie. Yup- secret single behavior. It is not as though Joey would ever intentionally stop me from doing any of the things I have done this afternoon and evening. It is just that life takes on a different rhythm when she is home. I would never never want to remove her from my life for very long, but I must admit that a night alone each month wouldn't be such a bad deal.cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com16tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-54233545214719734872010-01-30T11:25:00.000-06:002010-01-30T11:25:16.968-06:00SlapdashMy thoughts are a bit scattered of late. I am having trouble creating a cohesive post so please peruse my bulletty thoughts.<br />
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<ul><li>We are snowed in here at home. I live in TN: I thought snow was an element from my past. I would still go about my life, except that TN snow seems to only come in conjunction with ICE. So, we are piled up in bed with the dogs.</li>
<li>Joey and I were talking about her cycle and I asked when she stops taking her birth control pills. Her answer, "<em>In another month</em>." Me: "<strong>wha?"</strong> Her: <em>"Yes, I have a whole other pack."</em> Me: <strong>"But you only take a couple more."</strong> Her: <em>"You sure?"</em> Me: <strong>"YES!!"</strong> It seems that she was planning to take BCPs all through her entire cycle if I had not asked. The schedule provided by our nurse says that Joey stops BCPs on Monday.</li>
<li>I was watching a show where a woman was acting as a surrogate for her sister. All very sweet. Joey came in at the part where the surrogate was in labor and it went badly. The surrogate had to have a csection and had to be completely out while that happened. Joey said, "That looks good. Can I do that? I can just wake up and meet the baby or babies. You'll be there." I could not even respond.</li>
<li>I am a champ at giving Lupron shots.</li>
<li>I had <span style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;"><em>a moment</em></span> in a store a few days ago. I saw baby shirts that had cutesy comments on them about loving their moms and such. I wanted to buy one. ALOT. I was really and unconsciously optimistic about this cycle. The thought that ran through my head was, "Should I buy one or two of those shirts? If I bought 2 then even if we don't have twins, the baby has an extra shirt." Then I stopped short, I felt with great certainty as though Joey will get pregnant with this cycle. While the moment of clear hope was intoxicating, it. terrified. me. I really really want this cycle to work and I am somewhat optimistic or I would not have agreed to try. BUT- the thought of another let-down, another grieving process makes my blood run cold. </li>
<li>The gym and I are becoming more close. This week had several things that got in the way of my ability to get in a workout (real reasons like a coworker's evening funeral, a surprise report and a snowstorm) and I actually missed going. This has to be progress.</li>
<li>I also bought a ton of books not related to trying to make a baby and I have been reading them. </li>
<li>All the changes in my life and daily routine reminded me of an email I received from one of my best friends years ago after my 7+ year relationship ended. I had asked her what I should do and who I should be when we were in the middle of a teary phone call. Her response was to send an email listing all the things we sometimes forget to do while we are putting our time and energy into being part of a poorly functioning WE. Her prescriptions were simple: do the things that make you who you are. Watch movies only you would want to see. Read books that are meaningful to you. Take long walks. Spend extra time meditating. Buy something pretty. etc etc. I find myself returning to her advice now. I do go to the gym by and for myself. I have bought and am reading a ton of new books. I cook healthy meals either Joey will eat or will not. I rent independent films. I have bought some new jewelry. I spend time completing a loving kindness meditation and I think I am finding myself more at ease with this life. </li>
<li>Yes, the sadness about my likely lack of ability to carry does find me at unexpected moments but I am finding ways to banish that melancholy.</li>
</ul>cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-35406770754104945182010-01-20T11:23:00.000-06:002010-01-20T11:23:06.551-06:00A fairy storyOnce upon a time two lovely <strike>lesbians</strike> princesses paid for their first donor egg cycle and filled out mounds and mounds of paperwork. As they completed that cycle (a long long time ago), they read in the paperwork that ICED cycles (frozen donor egg cycles) could provide UP TO eight eggs with the intent being at least 2-3 embryos to transfer. The princesses were wearing their rose-colored glasses and paid no attention to small details such as “up to.” However when their rose-colored glasses were unceremoniously removed by the BFN monster, the princesses found that they had only been given 6 eggs from their first donor (because she was a “proven” donor). Therefore when Dr Fairy Godmother offered another cycle for mere pixie dust, the princesses cautiously broached the egg count issue, not wanting to look ungrateful. The Dr Fairy Godmother was kind and understanding but elusive on this point. Apparently Dr Fairy Godmother had to make such decisions only after consulting with the other godmothers and godfathers.<br />
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Then yesterday, the princesses received a message through the magic mirror (sometimes called email) that the fairy counsel agreed that the somewhat desperate princesses could have <strong>8 eggs</strong>. The mirror also relayed that the eggs were successfully transitioned for Princess Cindy’s name into Princess Joey’s name (always a relief because Southern Far Away can be a bit homophobic).<br />
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Yep, eight potential ice babies are waiting for us in the cooler.cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-4813461808604484052010-01-11T22:14:00.001-06:002010-01-11T22:21:55.412-06:00New SeasonSo today, I had my first round of experiences as "other" and I seem to have escaped relatively unscathed. Joey had an appointment to get bloodwork and an HSG. Part of the appointment was that Joey and I had to re-complete the paperwork we completed for the last cycle, except this time our roles were reversed. Page after page, Joey signed the "mother" lines and I signed the "partner" lines. Seriously last time we did the paperwork, there did not seem to be too many lines but this time I felt like "partner" kept assailing me page after page after page after page. The pages seemed to say<br />
<ul><li> "Sign here that you are utterly infertile."</li>
<li>"Initial here that you can't have babies."</li>
<li>"Date here, you barren thing."</li>
</ul>All in all though, we had a good time. I got to have a consolation Starbucks as the non-bio mom and I didn't have to take my pants off. Frankly, avoiding having random medical objects shoved in my hoo-haw did not suck. Yin and Yang, right?<br />
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By the way, I cannot say enough nice things about all the support I have received through this transition from hopeful carrier mom to hopeful other mother. Your support has been more healing that I have words to express. And the wise Merideth suggested an on-going goal, self re-creation series. I love that idea... now to just figure out some firm goals. And yes when I feel smokin hot in my gothy fishnets. I will definetely post photos.cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-91479575225479141882010-01-06T21:37:00.000-06:002010-01-06T21:37:10.491-06:00If I can't be pregnant, I'll be --Since Joey and I decided to change uteri, she has been the one talking with the RE's office. It wasn't a well-thought-out plan, it just happened. So today our super-sweet IVF nurse called me and asked in her most tentative voice if Joey, the doctor and I are "all on the same page." It did not occur to me to think that the RE's office would wonder if Joey was sneaking around to cycle without my knowledge. I had a moment when I imagined myself feigning shock and dismay. <em>*Gasp* Yes, my partner is resorting to subterfuge to steal our donor eggs.</em> I assured the nurse that I am, indeed, onboard with Joey being the basket we put our eggs in. Then I had something of an out-of-body experience. I heard myself reassuring the nurse that I feel happy and confident with the new plan. I sounded so calm, composed and wise that I felt as though I was listening to someone else. With Joey and online, I pour out my unattractive emotions. Publicly, I whip out the "everything happens for a reason" persona. I despise sympathy for myself: emotionally guarded, who me?<br />
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I had a few people ask about whether we are staying with donor eggs even though we are changing carriers. Yes, for several reasons. 1) Joey's eggs are an unknown entity. They may be fine but they haven't worked so well with all the IUIs or at-home attempts. 2) We have already made our peace with using donor eggs. After making that internal shift, we just don't care about the genesis of our eggs. 3) We have already paid for this cycle. If we switched to traditional IVF, we would have to pay several thousand more dollars. <br />
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Incidentally, we are looking at a transfer in the beginning of March.<br />
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My out-of-body experience made me think about what characteristics I will take on now that I have had to jettison a part of who I planned to be. Some of my considerations:<br />
<ul><li>I will become brooding and mysterious. Problem is that a name like Cindy does not lend itself to "brooding" or "mysterious." My name is much more often associated with peppy cheerleaders or the Brady family.</li>
<li>I will write deep, emotional poetry. However I am not a teenager anymore and frankly, I suck at poetry.</li>
<li>I will become disillusioned with life and will speak entirely in pithy, angry phrases. See considerations 1 and 2 for all the reasons this idea just sucks.</li>
<li>I will use my free time to pick up a hobby. Ok, but it is hard to translate a hobby into a new reason to live. (Perhaps an overstatement)</li>
<li>I will become the ultimate in zen. Within the next year, I will mature to be like the bastard love child of Buddha and Jesus. Problem is that I can never maintain the flashes of zen I see and no one could stand me if I lived in complete enlightenment. Let's face it, perfect is boring.</li>
<li>I will use my free. non-pregnant time to get back into great shape. If I can't be pregnant, then by gosh I will be HOT again. Good-bye TTC weight. My ass re-joined the gym today. Okay so getting back into shape is hardly original and is less than a profound experience for the soul. But I plan to look damn good when I am toting around our baby. I want strangers to say, "We can't believe you are a new mother. How did you get your figure back so quickly?" </li>
</ul>cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-33830504639907044592010-01-03T15:23:00.000-06:002010-01-03T15:23:10.120-06:00So this is it.This is my version of an acceptance post. I have not found my inner Zen. I am not thanking the universe for allowing me to learner deeper lessons of being a potentially uncurable infertile. I have not become wise and more spiritual. But I am still living, still breathing and I can see all the reasons to be thankful for the life I am living. <br />
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I also really really (ad infinitum) want and need Joey to get pregnant. My fear at this point is that she will not. Nothing has worked in 3 years and the place we stand metaphorically is a crossroads. Either this works and we are parents or this does not work and we take some serious time away from TTC, perhaps forever. We have been having conversations about getting serious about adoption either way. And we have been trying to imagine our lives in a way that is not always hinging upon our next attempt, our current attempt, getting over a failed attempt or saving for another try. You know, real life.<br />
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This is our watershed moment and I am mostly peaceful about it. At moments I even begin to talk about us having a baby and how we will manage this or that. Joey gets all weird when I do that. I think she is feeling a great deal of pressure to pinch hit. I know she has done all she can to give me the baby I want in the way I wanted it. And now she must be feeling the weight of another maybe loss or failure so I am trying to begin 2010 with a new sense of expectancy for her. I want her to have a sense of peace so that this next donor cycle does not feel as though she needs to hold her breath from start to finish. Of course I know that she is also worried about how I will feel if this cycle does work and she gets pregnant- meaning I watch her get what I wished for. Poor Joey, I am quite a complicated woman to live with. She needs to fear both failure and success. <br />
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So in the end, we stand as we began. We are still very much in love and I suppose that is a pretty fantastic place to begin a year.cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-20772872842962833262009-12-29T22:22:00.000-06:002009-12-29T22:22:38.797-06:00LemonadeI am feeling a bit of a tantrum coming on. I am tired and frankly I am cranky.<br />
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I am tired of always having to create lemonade from the lemons my life keeps growing. Why can't my life grow juicy, sexy pomegranates? Why am I always looking for the happy moments in all the sadness? Why am I always looking for the zen to get through this or that new challenge? It's not that I would rather stop trying to be happy: it's just that I wish I could get to be one of the easily happy people. I want to be one of the people who get what they want. Why couldn't something have just worked? Why. is. my reproductive system. all. screwed. up?? Why have I not only been lapped again but now I also need to find a new freaking category for myself? <br />
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At times I can see the beauty in Joey being the one to carry our baby, but at times I am incredibly resentful that it is unlikely that I will get to know the joy of growing a baby inside my body. I keep sitting down to write a calm "all is well" post and this tantrum is what keeps bubbling up instead.<br />
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Perhaps tomorrow I will get to write the acceptance post.cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-46218040240314241922009-12-27T20:43:00.000-06:002009-12-27T20:43:17.201-06:00Setting the record straightJoey and I have returned home from our trip back home. I have thought about you all and the internet break has been odd. I could only even get a signal to my I.phone intermittently. Frustrating to say the least. So Merry Belated Christmas (Hannukah) to everyone. <br />
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So you may recall that Thanksgiving was dedicated to Joey's family this year; therefore, Christmas was dedicated to my family. You may also recall that I was less than flattering about her family while I described my own family in glowing terms. I think I should even things out a bit. The LONG visit with my family has allowed me to recall their issues. Hop on board and I will share some of my "favorite" moments from the holidays.<br />
<ul><li> My mother asked me for input on dinner the first night we were there. I made several suggestions- not one of which did she use.</li>
<li>My mother has no idea how to tell a story or indeed what an interesting/amusing story IS. At one point I considered jumping out of the car to escape her <em><strike>fascinating</strike></em> story about the recent community worship service. No no, she didn't talk about the message or the music. She recanted the name of each church who participated, listed their denominations, presented each person whom she saw and then recanted the SMALL TALK she had with people who were there.</li>
<li>My parents get on an actual rant when they talk about all the many social programs their church offers the needy.... not flattering.</li>
<li>My family are all republicans. Eeek.</li>
<li>My father watches television at a volume only slightly quieter than a heavy metal concert.</li>
<li>My mother sees no reason why she should not attempt to talk over the television noise.</li>
<li>My mother has no idea how to show concern. As I was litterally doubled over with cramps at her house (yes, good times), she began an endless list of questions about my cycle. It was rather like the menstrual inquisition.</li>
</ul>All that aside, we actually had quite a good time and Christmas is always fun. Some highlights include watching the entire family attempt to play the AC/DC drum set/ Rock.band game we gave my nephew for Christmas, enjoying a lovely meal with the entire family and just spending time with everyone. I am amazed and pleased to see how my neices and nephew are growing up. Not to mention some serious swag, Joey and I received. But I am oh, so glad to be home. In fact within an hour of walking in the door of our house, Joey and I had taken down the tree and returned to normal life. Ahhhh, can you hear the sweet sound of silence?<br />
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Yes, I also have been giving thought to my currently non-functional uterus. I go back and forth on that one. Some moments I find my zen then other times I just find the grief. Moment by moment, right? I am certain that a post on ths issue will form soon. But that is an issue for another day.cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-15741135064828028102009-12-20T09:20:00.000-06:002009-12-20T09:20:05.117-06:00Oh, I wish I had a riverA real scene between my RE and I at my Friday consult;<br />
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Mumbling : “Huh, well that’s weird.”<br />
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Me, raising up onto elbows now, slightly alarmed: “Did you just say ‘that’s weird’?”<br />
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RE: “Well, yeah, I did.”<br />
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This is not a conversation I wanted to have as my Reproductive Specialist has the wand buried in my hoo-ha. <br />
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TMI alert: The RE then went on to explain (with a pertinent photo display) that she has not seen a lining as thick as mine is. Recall that I did not get suppressed the last time I cycled despite birth control pills and Lup.ron injections. Add to that what I did not share which is that the period after my 40+ day cycle was super light and the result is a lining that has been building up until it looks like a grapefruit is hanging out in my uterus, which I guess explains why I have been so moody and bloaty. So the RE gave me a script for Prover@ and is anticipating that I will have a cleansing of sorts in the next couple of weeks. <br />
<br />
Which brings me to the next question some of you may be thinking: why did the RE do an ultrasound during a consult? Ah, yes. That is the money question. Another scene from the office:<br />
<br />
RE, looking uncomfortable: “Cindy you have had several cycles, some with really good embryos.” <br />
<<long pause="">><br />
<br />
Me, catching a clue: “Y-Y-Yes?”<br />
<br />
RE: “Have you guys given any thought to Joey being the one who carries?”<br />
<br />
A conversation about my mother having endometriosis and me potentially having undetectable endometriosis followed. She then suggested Joey and I give it some thought and almost without thinking, the RE suggested that she check my uterus, “just to see if anything is detectable.”<br />
<br />
The answer is that NO with the grapefruit-lining, the RE could not detect anything related to whether I might or might not have endometriosis. She said she was going to spend some more time with my chart and get back to me. It is not a good thing to alarm your RE.<br />
<br />
So yet again, I have dashed the hopes of another RE. My first RE said right away that IVF was my only option. I was not savvy then and I listened without question. (poor response followed by miscarriage) Next I had a consult with another RE, she said that she felt a few IUI’s might do the trick. I did not like her or her office so I chose my 2nd RE who also felt that I should be able to get pregnant pretty easily. He suggested IVF simply due to my age and to maximize my chances. He did 2 cycles, saw my response and egg quality issues and suggested donor embryos (2 BFNs). Now move to my newest RE, initially she said that perhaps we should try a few IUIs. I thanked her and talked about my pattern of poor stimulation followed by ever-diminishing egg quality. She agreed that donor eggs or embryos would be a good plan. (Another BFN) Flash forward, now she thinks that not only do I make poor eggs, but I also seem to be a bad incubator. <br />
<br />
My head is telling me that my RE is right. We have been giving my body chance after chance to conceive and we still don’t have a baby after well-over 2 years of trying. We have also done 6 IUIs with Joey and she has done many at-home insems (I have stopped blogging about those hail Marys). Clearly, a new plan is called for. But I don’t want to change uteruses. I WANT TO HAVE OUR BABY. ME. I WANT. <br />
<br />
I feel so incredibly selfish at this point: selfish and sad. I find that tears are never far away when I give our new plan some thought. I know that moving on to Joey’s uterus is the right thing to do and I will do the right thing and I will learn to get past this feeling. I will. I must. Honestly I am kind of kicking myself for even being sad. Other women would love to have their partner even be a carry option. Other families have to use a surrogate. I am hoping that I will get to a better calmer place soon because it seems that this is my new reality. <br />
<br />
My apologies: sorry to be such a downer in the last 2 posts and I am sorry if I have now ruined grapefruit for anyone reading this entry.cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-72144864835478024022009-12-13T11:05:00.002-06:002009-12-13T12:31:09.655-06:00HopeI have been thinking about the word "hope" lately. We all hope that <strong>this one</strong> is <em>the cycle. </em>We comment to one another that we<em> hope </em>the hpt was wrong, that more follies grow, that the ultrasound will come out for the best, etc etc. Always hoping. I know that what we are really doing is looking for ways to keep ourselves going cycle after cycle and provide support and encouragement to one another. Honestly I am endless grateful to have all the support that this community has offered to me and I think that watching people endlessly root for one another is a moving experience..... But.that.word. is bugging me- "Hope."<br />
<br />
Hope is the wish for something with the <em><strong>expectation of its fulfillment</strong></em>. Hope implies a level trust and confidence that things will eventually end with the result I have been hoping for. I just cannot say that I believe that anymore. I have seen good women turn and walk away from TTC because they could no longer face the hurt that came with monthly (or per cycle) let-downs. I have seen women put themselves into precarious financial situations all because they keep thinking that the next one will be the one that works. I have seen women lose their sense of direction because of the singular focus of TTC. I know. I am living this way too. When I think about all the hopeful cycling, it brings to mind compulsive gamblers--- always expecting the big one to be just around the corner. I don't mean to be a downer and I can't say that I am particularly sad right now. Perhaps I am simply pissed off at hope. I have been putting myself in her hands time and again and she always lets me down in the family-building arena.<br />
<br />
I watched an episode of Friends a few days ago. Chandler and Monica were talking with the pregnant woman whose babies they adopted (prior to their birth). They were asking her about the potential fathers of the baby. One was a high school football star and the other was in prison for killing his father. Chandler's musing to Monica was something like "Of course the baby's father is the imprisoned father killer. <em>It's us." </em>That pretty much sums up how I am feeling about my chances of having a baby. Of course things won't go well--- It's us. Joey and Cindy don't get to have things easy in the baby-making area. And I know that Joey and I are not alone in the seriously frustrated category. A couple of years trying to make a baby while it seems that every teen drug user can get pregnent by heavy petting alone can leave a woman with serius jaded feelings.<br />
<br />
So I am thinking that I will remove "hope" from my vocabulary for a while or perhaps I will just save its usage for times when it is appropriate. I will only use "hope" when I really do have a sense of expectation that things will go as I wish/ or others wish.<br />
<br />
So here goes: I want to get pregnant and have a baby.<br />
I desire for my next donor cycle to work.<br />
I wish for a baby.<br />
I yearn for my family to grow.<br />
<br />
It's honest and that is pretty much the best I can ask for right now.cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-37456398097357624212009-11-30T22:25:00.000-06:002009-11-30T22:25:52.422-06:00Good, bad and weirdThanksgiving was all that I imagined it would be and.oh.so.much.more. Really the last week was utterly sucktastic! I have never been so happy to be home in all my life.<br />
<br />
<strong>The Good</strong><br />
The cabin we rented was absolute heaven. Comfy beds, cute decorations, Egyptian cotton linens.<br />
Joey's 2 year old nephew spent the night with us. He was a barrell of fun and such a love bug.<br />
Joey's sister is fun.<br />
Our trip there and back was safe.<br />
We have good insurance.<br />
<br />
<strong>The Bad</strong><br />
Pretty much everything else.<br />
My clothes and hair smelled like cigarette smoke everytime we spent any time at a family member's house.<br />
I do not enjoy eating Thanksgiving dinner in a less than clean house.<br />
None of the food was like my mom makes.<br />
Joey's nephew ended the evening by throwing up on me at 5:30 AM.<br />
Joey's mom fell in the cabin floor, requiring an ER visit, a sling and serious meds.<br />
Joey and her mom spending almost a week together non-stop = high stress.<br />
Me being away from home and hormonal = low frustration tolerance.<br />
The drive was supposed to take 8 hours but thanks to a well-placed rock slide and detour took 11 hours.<br />
We hit a deer on the way home.<br />
<br />
<strong>The Weird</strong><br />
The bio-mom did not meet with us so it is unlikely we will be adopting a sweet baby in February.<br />
I did not see Aunt Flo until CD42.... seriously!!<br />
No donor egg cycle for us until 2010.<br />
<br />
Ahhhh, it's good to be home.cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com14tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4364075850637292626.post-11499746380140293102009-11-17T13:11:00.000-06:002009-11-17T13:11:08.865-06:00Kinda randomOne of the things my program uses to help children and families identify their feelings is a magnet that says, "Today I am feeling" followed by faces depicting an emotion which is then named. Generally I like to choose Hysterical of Disgusted because the pictures look all googly-eyed and silly but I think if I try to find an honest emotion for today then I choose: Hopeful. Nothing is really going according to plan here and I am okay with that. Seriously, now that I have embraced my lack of control I feel as though I am along for the ride. I am observing my own life with a sense of peaceful detachment and just a little bit of bemusement at the absurdity of all this. So here is the scoop:<br />
<br />
<ol><li>Aunt Flo has decided to take a long vacation in the Caribbean. She was scheduled to be here early this week but she has yet to even send a postcard. If she does not come visit tonight or early in the morning then I will not be cycling in December, which is what my gut tells me will be the case. Although I want to cycle, it is nice to remove some pressure from a Christmas BFP or BFN.</li>
<li>I bought some Christmas flotsam yesterday. My plan is to make the guest bathroom look like a holiday snowman farm exploded in there then I will move into other rooms in the house. Last year I avoided real decorations so I may have returned to a happy holiday place. </li>
<li>The adoption front is rather quiet. I have read all the TN adoption statutes, spoken with a lawyer, talked with homestudy agencies, investigated my work reimbursement ($2000) and now I am prepared to wait. While in the midst of trying to figure out how to make adoption happen in a quick timeframe, I was clearly very overwhelmed. But now that I have a grasp on what can happen and how, adoption does not seem anymore intimidating than TTC. If I had to figure out all the ins and outs of ART in a week, I would have also melted down. Even if <em>this </em>adoption opportunity does not pan out, I may be ready to jump into that pool soon.</li>
<li>We found out bio-mom now has 2 jobs. Good for her but potentially bad for us. Who knows? We will talk with her over Thanksgiving and see what her emotional state looks like then.</li>
<li>You ladies are the best! I got so much reassurance and good ideas for how to move forward with this situation if bio-mom agrees. Thank you all for sharing your adoption knowledge and general support. If possible, Joey and I are going to have bio-mom stay with us for a few weeks/month prior to her giving birth which will save us thousands in legal fees and will avoid the dreaded ICPC. Then we will put bio-mom up in a nice hotel for 2 weeks as we wait to finalize paperwork.</li>
</ol><br />
My only real life friend who reads this blog (Hi K!) sometimes expresses that she does not want to say the wrong thing to me. I always assure her that she can say ANYTHING to me without me getting offended, and this is true. So I have given some real thought to why I am so annoyed and hurt by trite phrases from other people. For me, I think it is about the other person's <strong>intent</strong>. If they are uncomfortable with my pain and want to shut me up quickly (although I rarely talk about this babyless business), my feelings are hurt by the banality of a response intended to shut down my lived experience. If the other person is trying to minimize my experience, I am also angry and annoyed. But if the listener actually listens and cares about my feelings, I can pretty much overlook remarks that are more offensive than the cliches. For instance, I have a friend who decided she wanted to get pregnant and did so on her 1st try. She listens endlessly to me and cares so deeply yet she cannot seem to hear me talk about my stupid old eggs without referencing her own abundant fertility. I know I should be upset with her but she does not intend to be insensitive. So finally this week when we spoke she said her normal thing and I responded, "Okay so when are you having a baby for me to adopt?? I am ready now." Unsurprisingly she stammered a bit. Let's hide and see if she mentions her fertility again. (he he)<br />
<br />
And that is about it from here, except that I want to take a page from some of you ladies. Last year Olive sent out a little holiday gift to people who sent her their addresses. I though that was so sweet even though I was too shy to send my own address. So gather round, email me your address if you would like a little holiday cheer from TN... don't get too excited, I cannot afford anything very large. But I would like to be able to send a little something to all of you who have been so good to me in this past crazy year. (Lurkers and recent joiners are welcome also.)cindyhoo2http://www.blogger.com/profile/00270674009271182588noreply@blogger.com9