Bang head here...

Ultrasound #2

2010-04-09T15:05:00.002-05:00

New post at the annex

Feeling happy and content.

New post

2010-03-30T18:54:00.000-05:00

Stress and a poll

http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/

Beta #3

2010-03-22T19:23:00.000-05:00

http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/2010/03/22/telling-the-tale-and-beta-3

New post at the annex

2010-03-16T07:50:00.001-05:00

Lobotomy

2010-03-15T11:40:00.002-05:00

Yup, the 2ww.

http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/2010/03/15/please-lobotomize-me/

.

You again?!

2010-03-10T20:48:00.000-06:00

An old spirit rears its ugly head.

http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/

Happy embryos

2010-03-08T13:23:00.000-06:00

Follow me.

http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/

Fertilization report

2010-03-04T18:58:00.000-06:00

7 eggs ICSI'd: five eggs fertilized. Very excited. Joey even had a moment of utter confidence today. Tomorrow we find out if we have 3 or 5 day transfer. I am really hoping for the 5 day, that means the embryos are looking better.

Egg thaw day

2010-03-03T17:43:00.000-06:00

http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/

In which I talk about my unconscious

2010-02-23T21:38:00.000-06:00

Hi, I am still cross-posting for a little while longer. You might want to update your reader as I plan to fully move over soon.

Here is the link to a new post in the other side. :)
http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/

follow the white rabbit

2010-02-15T21:13:00.003-06:00

Here's another gem for you to regard.

http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/

Addicted

2010-02-11T16:09:00.001-06:00

Yes folks, I have strayed from my original blog-love and I am getting attached. I cannot seem to stop myself from using all the features.

I will likely be changing over for good soon but I will continue to cross-post for a while.

New post: http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/2010/02/11/getting-a-life-swirlie-and-other-adventures/

Effortful

2010-02-10T00:04:00.003-06:00

I wanted to create a password-protected post. So I had to create a whole other account. Email me for the password and follow this link.

Sorry to be so complicated.

http://cindyhoo2.wordpress.com/2010/02/10/the-tough-stuff/

SSB

2010-01-31T18:45:00.000-06:00

Secret Single Behavior... does everyone remember the Sex a/t City episode where they talked about their secret single behaviors? I never thought I had any but all evidence to the contrary.

I dropped Joey at the airport today then did a bit of shopping on my way back home. I literally spent hours in T@rget wandering the aisles and buying a few things. On the way home, I thought about stopping to buy myself some dinner but decided that I would rather make a meal Joey would complain about-- red beans and brown rice with veggies. Since getting home I have colored my hair (goodbye greys!), have had a soak in the hot tub, have done laundry, cleaned house and have given myself a mani/pedi. I am planning on a facial, exfoliating and hanging a new shower curtain rod later tonight. Who knows I may end the evening with some yoga followed by wine and a Sund@nce movie. Yup- secret single behavior. It is not as though Joey would ever intentionally stop me from doing any of the things I have done this afternoon and evening. It is just that life takes on a different rhythm when she is home. I would never never want to remove her from my life for very long, but I must admit that a night alone each month wouldn't be such a bad deal.

Slapdash

2010-01-30T11:25:00.000-06:00

My thoughts are a bit scattered of late. I am having trouble creating a cohesive post so please peruse my bulletty thoughts.

We are snowed in here at home. I live in TN: I thought snow was an element from my past. I would still go about my life, except that TN snow seems to only come in conjunction with ICE. So, we are piled up in bed with the dogs.
Joey and I were talking about her cycle and I asked when she stops taking her birth control pills. Her answer, "In another month." Me: "wha?" Her: "Yes, I have a whole other pack." Me: "But you only take a couple more." Her: "You sure?" Me: "YES!!" It seems that she was planning to take BCPs all through her entire cycle if I had not asked. The schedule provided by our nurse says that Joey stops BCPs on Monday.
I was watching a show where a woman was acting as a surrogate for her sister. All very sweet. Joey came in at the part where the surrogate was in labor and it went badly. The surrogate had to have a csection and had to be completely out while that happened. Joey said, "That looks good. Can I do that? I can just wake up and meet the baby or babies. You'll be there." I could not even respond.
I am a champ at giving Lupron shots.
I had a moment in a store a few days ago. I saw baby shirts that had cutesy comments on them about loving their moms and such. I wanted to buy one. ALOT. I was really and unconsciously optimistic about this cycle. The thought that ran through my head was, "Should I buy one or two of those shirts? If I bought 2 then even if we don't have twins, the baby has an extra shirt." Then I stopped short, I felt with great certainty as though Joey will get pregnant with this cycle. While the moment of clear hope was intoxicating, it. terrified. me. I really really want this cycle to work and I am somewhat optimistic or I would not have agreed to try. BUT- the thought of another let-down, another grieving process makes my blood run cold.
The gym and I are becoming more close. This week had several things that got in the way of my ability to get in a workout (real reasons like a coworker's evening funeral, a surprise report and a snowstorm) and I actually missed going. This has to be progress.
I also bought a ton of books not related to trying to make a baby and I have been reading them.
All the changes in my life and daily routine reminded me of an email I received from one of my best friends years ago after my 7+ year relationship ended. I had asked her what I should do and who I should be when we were in the middle of a teary phone call. Her response was to send an email listing all the things we sometimes forget to do while we are putting our time and energy into being part of a poorly functioning WE. Her prescriptions were simple: do the things that make you who you are. Watch movies only you would want to see. Read books that are meaningful to you. Take long walks. Spend extra time meditating. Buy something pretty. etc etc. I find myself returning to her advice now. I do go to the gym by and for myself. I have bought and am reading a ton of new books. I cook healthy meals either Joey will eat or will not. I rent independent films. I have bought some new jewelry. I spend time completing a loving kindness meditation and I think I am finding myself more at ease with this life.
Yes, the sadness about my likely lack of ability to carry does find me at unexpected moments but I am finding ways to banish that melancholy.

A fairy story

2010-01-20T11:23:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time two lovely ~~lesbians~~ princesses paid for their first donor egg cycle and filled out mounds and mounds of paperwork. As they completed that cycle (a long long time ago), they read in the paperwork that ICED cycles (frozen donor egg cycles) could provide UP TO eight eggs with the intent being at least 2-3 embryos to transfer. The princesses were wearing their rose-colored glasses and paid no attention to small details such as “up to.” However when their rose-colored glasses were unceremoniously removed by the BFN monster, the princesses found that they had only been given 6 eggs from their first donor (because she was a “proven” donor). Therefore when Dr Fairy Godmother offered another cycle for mere pixie dust, the princesses cautiously broached the egg count issue, not wanting to look ungrateful. The Dr Fairy Godmother was kind and understanding but elusive on this point. Apparently Dr Fairy Godmother had to make such decisions only after consulting with the other godmothers and godfathers.

Then yesterday, the princesses received a message through the magic mirror (sometimes called email) that the fairy counsel agreed that the somewhat desperate princesses could have 8 eggs. The mirror also relayed that the eggs were successfully transitioned for Princess Cindy’s name into Princess Joey’s name (always a relief because Southern Far Away can be a bit homophobic).

Yep, eight potential ice babies are waiting for us in the cooler.

New Season

2010-01-11T22:14:00.001-06:00

So today, I had my first round of experiences as "other" and I seem to have escaped relatively unscathed. Joey had an appointment to get bloodwork and an HSG. Part of the appointment was that Joey and I had to re-complete the paperwork we completed for the last cycle, except this time our roles were reversed. Page after page, Joey signed the "mother" lines and I signed the "partner" lines. Seriously last time we did the paperwork, there did not seem to be too many lines but this time I felt like "partner" kept assailing me page after page after page after page. The pages seemed to say

"Sign here that you are utterly infertile."
"Initial here that you can't have babies."
"Date here, you barren thing."

All in all though, we had a good time. I got to have a consolation Starbucks as the non-bio mom and I didn't have to take my pants off. Frankly, avoiding having random medical objects shoved in my hoo-haw did not suck. Yin and Yang, right?

By the way, I cannot say enough nice things about all the support I have received through this transition from hopeful carrier mom to hopeful other mother. Your support has been more healing that I have words to express. And the wise Merideth suggested an on-going goal, self re-creation series. I love that idea... now to just figure out some firm goals. And yes when I feel smokin hot in my gothy fishnets. I will definetely post photos.

If I can't be pregnant, I'll be --

2010-01-06T21:37:00.000-06:00

Since Joey and I decided to change uteri, she has been the one talking with the RE's office. It wasn't a well-thought-out plan, it just happened. So today our super-sweet IVF nurse called me and asked in her most tentative voice if Joey, the doctor and I are "all on the same page." It did not occur to me to think that the RE's office would wonder if Joey was sneaking around to cycle without my knowledge. I had a moment when I imagined myself feigning shock and dismay. *Gasp* Yes, my partner is resorting to subterfuge to steal our donor eggs. I assured the nurse that I am, indeed, onboard with Joey being the basket we put our eggs in. Then I had something of an out-of-body experience. I heard myself reassuring the nurse that I feel happy and confident with the new plan. I sounded so calm, composed and wise that I felt as though I was listening to someone else. With Joey and online, I pour out my unattractive emotions. Publicly, I whip out the "everything happens for a reason" persona. I despise sympathy for myself: emotionally guarded, who me?

I had a few people ask about whether we are staying with donor eggs even though we are changing carriers. Yes, for several reasons. 1) Joey's eggs are an unknown entity. They may be fine but they haven't worked so well with all the IUIs or at-home attempts. 2) We have already made our peace with using donor eggs. After making that internal shift, we just don't care about the genesis of our eggs. 3) We have already paid for this cycle. If we switched to traditional IVF, we would have to pay several thousand more dollars.

Incidentally, we are looking at a transfer in the beginning of March.

My out-of-body experience made me think about what characteristics I will take on now that I have had to jettison a part of who I planned to be. Some of my considerations:

I will become brooding and mysterious. Problem is that a name like Cindy does not lend itself to "brooding" or "mysterious." My name is much more often associated with peppy cheerleaders or the Brady family.
I will write deep, emotional poetry. However I am not a teenager anymore and frankly, I suck at poetry.
I will become disillusioned with life and will speak entirely in pithy, angry phrases. See considerations 1 and 2 for all the reasons this idea just sucks.
I will use my free time to pick up a hobby. Ok, but it is hard to translate a hobby into a new reason to live. (Perhaps an overstatement)
I will become the ultimate in zen. Within the next year, I will mature to be like the bastard love child of Buddha and Jesus. Problem is that I can never maintain the flashes of zen I see and no one could stand me if I lived in complete enlightenment. Let's face it, perfect is boring.
I will use my free. non-pregnant time to get back into great shape. If I can't be pregnant, then by gosh I will be HOT again. Good-bye TTC weight. My ass re-joined the gym today. Okay so getting back into shape is hardly original and is less than a profound experience for the soul. But I plan to look damn good when I am toting around our baby. I want strangers to say, "We can't believe you are a new mother. How did you get your figure back so quickly?"

So this is it.

2010-01-03T15:23:00.000-06:00

This is my version of an acceptance post. I have not found my inner Zen. I am not thanking the universe for allowing me to learner deeper lessons of being a potentially uncurable infertile. I have not become wise and more spiritual. But I am still living, still breathing and I can see all the reasons to be thankful for the life I am living.

I also really really (ad infinitum) want and need Joey to get pregnant. My fear at this point is that she will not. Nothing has worked in 3 years and the place we stand metaphorically is a crossroads. Either this works and we are parents or this does not work and we take some serious time away from TTC, perhaps forever. We have been having conversations about getting serious about adoption either way. And we have been trying to imagine our lives in a way that is not always hinging upon our next attempt, our current attempt, getting over a failed attempt or saving for another try. You know, real life.

This is our watershed moment and I am mostly peaceful about it. At moments I even begin to talk about us having a baby and how we will manage this or that. Joey gets all weird when I do that. I think she is feeling a great deal of pressure to pinch hit. I know she has done all she can to give me the baby I want in the way I wanted it. And now she must be feeling the weight of another maybe loss or failure so I am trying to begin 2010 with a new sense of expectancy for her. I want her to have a sense of peace so that this next donor cycle does not feel as though she needs to hold her breath from start to finish. Of course I know that she is also worried about how I will feel if this cycle does work and she gets pregnant- meaning I watch her get what I wished for. Poor Joey, I am quite a complicated woman to live with. She needs to fear both failure and success.

So in the end, we stand as we began. We are still very much in love and I suppose that is a pretty fantastic place to begin a year.

Lemonade

2009-12-29T22:22:00.000-06:00

I am feeling a bit of a tantrum coming on. I am tired and frankly I am cranky.

I am tired of always having to create lemonade from the lemons my life keeps growing. Why can't my life grow juicy, sexy pomegranates? Why am I always looking for the happy moments in all the sadness? Why am I always looking for the zen to get through this or that new challenge? It's not that I would rather stop trying to be happy: it's just that I wish I could get to be one of the easily happy people. I want to be one of the people who get what they want. Why couldn't something have just worked? Why. is. my reproductive system. all. screwed. up?? Why have I not only been lapped again but now I also need to find a new freaking category for myself?

At times I can see the beauty in Joey being the one to carry our baby, but at times I am incredibly resentful that it is unlikely that I will get to know the joy of growing a baby inside my body. I keep sitting down to write a calm "all is well" post and this tantrum is what keeps bubbling up instead.

Perhaps tomorrow I will get to write the acceptance post.

Setting the record straight

2009-12-27T20:43:00.000-06:00

Joey and I have returned home from our trip back home. I have thought about you all and the internet break has been odd. I could only even get a signal to my I.phone intermittently. Frustrating to say the least. So Merry Belated Christmas (Hannukah) to everyone.

So you may recall that Thanksgiving was dedicated to Joey's family this year; therefore, Christmas was dedicated to my family. You may also recall that I was less than flattering about her family while I described my own family in glowing terms. I think I should even things out a bit. The LONG visit with my family has allowed me to recall their issues. Hop on board and I will share some of my "favorite" moments from the holidays.

My mother asked me for input on dinner the first night we were there. I made several suggestions- not one of which did she use.
My mother has no idea how to tell a story or indeed what an interesting/amusing story IS. At one point I considered jumping out of the car to escape her ~~fascinating~~ story about the recent community worship service. No no, she didn't talk about the message or the music. She recanted the name of each church who participated, listed their denominations, presented each person whom she saw and then recanted the SMALL TALK she had with people who were there.
My parents get on an actual rant when they talk about all the many social programs their church offers the needy.... not flattering.
My family are all republicans. Eeek.
My father watches television at a volume only slightly quieter than a heavy metal concert.
My mother sees no reason why she should not attempt to talk over the television noise.
My mother has no idea how to show concern. As I was litterally doubled over with cramps at her house (yes, good times), she began an endless list of questions about my cycle. It was rather like the menstrual inquisition.

All that aside, we actually had quite a good time and Christmas is always fun. Some highlights include watching the entire family attempt to play the AC/DC drum set/ Rock.band game we gave my nephew for Christmas, enjoying a lovely meal with the entire family and just spending time with everyone. I am amazed and pleased to see how my neices and nephew are growing up. Not to mention some serious swag, Joey and I received. But I am oh, so glad to be home. In fact within an hour of walking in the door of our house, Joey and I had taken down the tree and returned to normal life. Ahhhh, can you hear the sweet sound of silence?

Yes, I also have been giving thought to my currently non-functional uterus. I go back and forth on that one. Some moments I find my zen then other times I just find the grief. Moment by moment, right? I am certain that a post on ths issue will form soon. But that is an issue for another day.

Oh, I wish I had a river

2009-12-20T09:20:00.000-06:00

A real scene between my RE and I at my Friday consult;

Mumbling : “Huh, well that’s weird.”

Me, raising up onto elbows now, slightly alarmed: “Did you just say ‘that’s weird’?”

RE: “Well, yeah, I did.”

This is not a conversation I wanted to have as my Reproductive Specialist has the wand buried in my hoo-ha.

TMI alert: The RE then went on to explain (with a pertinent photo display) that she has not seen a lining as thick as mine is. Recall that I did not get suppressed the last time I cycled despite birth control pills and Lup.ron injections. Add to that what I did not share which is that the period after my 40+ day cycle was super light and the result is a lining that has been building up until it looks like a grapefruit is hanging out in my uterus, which I guess explains why I have been so moody and bloaty. So the RE gave me a script for Prover@ and is anticipating that I will have a cleansing of sorts in the next couple of weeks.

Which brings me to the next question some of you may be thinking: why did the RE do an ultrasound during a consult? Ah, yes. That is the money question. Another scene from the office:

RE, looking uncomfortable: “Cindy you have had several cycles, some with really good embryos.”
<>

Me, catching a clue: “Y-Y-Yes?”

RE: “Have you guys given any thought to Joey being the one who carries?”

A conversation about my mother having endometriosis and me potentially having undetectable endometriosis followed. She then suggested Joey and I give it some thought and almost without thinking, the RE suggested that she check my uterus, “just to see if anything is detectable.”

The answer is that NO with the grapefruit-lining, the RE could not detect anything related to whether I might or might not have endometriosis. She said she was going to spend some more time with my chart and get back to me. It is not a good thing to alarm your RE.

So yet again, I have dashed the hopes of another RE. My first RE said right away that IVF was my only option. I was not savvy then and I listened without question. (poor response followed by miscarriage) Next I had a consult with another RE, she said that she felt a few IUI’s might do the trick. I did not like her or her office so I chose my 2nd RE who also felt that I should be able to get pregnant pretty easily. He suggested IVF simply due to my age and to maximize my chances. He did 2 cycles, saw my response and egg quality issues and suggested donor embryos (2 BFNs). Now move to my newest RE, initially she said that perhaps we should try a few IUIs. I thanked her and talked about my pattern of poor stimulation followed by ever-diminishing egg quality. She agreed that donor eggs or embryos would be a good plan. (Another BFN) Flash forward, now she thinks that not only do I make poor eggs, but I also seem to be a bad incubator.

My head is telling me that my RE is right. We have been giving my body chance after chance to conceive and we still don’t have a baby after well-over 2 years of trying. We have also done 6 IUIs with Joey and she has done many at-home insems (I have stopped blogging about those hail Marys). Clearly, a new plan is called for. But I don’t want to change uteruses. I WANT TO HAVE OUR BABY. ME. I WANT.

I feel so incredibly selfish at this point: selfish and sad. I find that tears are never far away when I give our new plan some thought. I know that moving on to Joey’s uterus is the right thing to do and I will do the right thing and I will learn to get past this feeling. I will. I must. Honestly I am kind of kicking myself for even being sad. Other women would love to have their partner even be a carry option. Other families have to use a surrogate. I am hoping that I will get to a better calmer place soon because it seems that this is my new reality.

My apologies: sorry to be such a downer in the last 2 posts and I am sorry if I have now ruined grapefruit for anyone reading this entry.

Hope

2009-12-13T11:05:00.002-06:00

I have been thinking about the word "hope" lately. We all hope that this one is the cycle. We comment to one another that we hope the hpt was wrong, that more follies grow, that the ultrasound will come out for the best, etc etc. Always hoping. I know that what we are really doing is looking for ways to keep ourselves going cycle after cycle and provide support and encouragement to one another. Honestly I am endless grateful to have all the support that this community has offered to me and I think that watching people endlessly root for one another is a moving experience..... But.that.word. is bugging me- "Hope."

Hope is the wish for something with the expectation of its fulfillment. Hope implies a level trust and confidence that things will eventually end with the result I have been hoping for. I just cannot say that I believe that anymore. I have seen good women turn and walk away from TTC because they could no longer face the hurt that came with monthly (or per cycle) let-downs. I have seen women put themselves into precarious financial situations all because they keep thinking that the next one will be the one that works. I have seen women lose their sense of direction because of the singular focus of TTC. I know. I am living this way too. When I think about all the hopeful cycling, it brings to mind compulsive gamblers--- always expecting the big one to be just around the corner. I don't mean to be a downer and I can't say that I am particularly sad right now. Perhaps I am simply pissed off at hope. I have been putting myself in her hands time and again and she always lets me down in the family-building arena.

I watched an episode of Friends a few days ago. Chandler and Monica were talking with the pregnant woman whose babies they adopted (prior to their birth). They were asking her about the potential fathers of the baby. One was a high school football star and the other was in prison for killing his father. Chandler's musing to Monica was something like "Of course the baby's father is the imprisoned father killer. It's us." That pretty much sums up how I am feeling about my chances of having a baby. Of course things won't go well--- It's us. Joey and Cindy don't get to have things easy in the baby-making area. And I know that Joey and I are not alone in the seriously frustrated category. A couple of years trying to make a baby while it seems that every teen drug user can get pregnent by heavy petting alone can leave a woman with serius jaded feelings.

So I am thinking that I will remove "hope" from my vocabulary for a while or perhaps I will just save its usage for times when it is appropriate. I will only use "hope" when I really do have a sense of expectation that things will go as I wish/ or others wish.

So here goes: I want to get pregnant and have a baby.
                        I desire for my next donor cycle to work.
                        I wish for a baby.
                        I yearn for my family to grow.

It's honest and that is pretty much the best I can ask for right now.

Good, bad and weird

2009-11-30T22:25:00.000-06:00

Thanksgiving was all that I imagined it would be and.oh.so.much.more. Really the last week was utterly sucktastic! I have never been so happy to be home in all my life.

The Good
The cabin we rented was absolute heaven. Comfy beds, cute decorations, Egyptian cotton linens.
Joey's 2 year old nephew spent the night with us. He was a barrell of fun and such a love bug.
Joey's sister is fun.
Our trip there and back was safe.
We have good insurance.

The Bad
Pretty much everything else.
My clothes and hair smelled like cigarette smoke everytime we spent any time at a family member's house.
I do not enjoy eating Thanksgiving dinner in a less than clean house.
None of the food was like my mom makes.
Joey's nephew ended the evening by throwing up on me at 5:30 AM.
Joey's mom fell in the cabin floor, requiring an ER visit, a sling and serious meds.
Joey and her mom spending almost a week together non-stop = high stress.
Me being away from home and hormonal = low frustration tolerance.
The drive was supposed to take 8 hours but thanks to a well-placed rock slide and detour took 11 hours.
We hit a deer on the way home.

The Weird
The bio-mom did not meet with us so it is unlikely we will be adopting a sweet baby in February.
I did not see Aunt Flo until CD42.... seriously!!
No donor egg cycle for us until 2010.

Ahhhh, it's good to be home.

Kinda random

2009-11-17T13:11:00.000-06:00

One of the things my program uses to help children and families identify their feelings is a magnet that says, "Today I am feeling" followed by faces depicting an emotion which is then named. Generally I like to choose Hysterical of Disgusted because the pictures look all googly-eyed and silly but I think if I try to find an honest emotion for today then I choose: Hopeful. Nothing is really going according to plan here and I am okay with that. Seriously, now that I have embraced my lack of control I feel as though I am along for the ride. I am observing my own life with a sense of peaceful detachment and just a little bit of bemusement at the absurdity of all this. So here is the scoop:

Aunt Flo has decided to take a long vacation in the Caribbean. She was scheduled to be here early this week but she has yet to even send a postcard. If she does not come visit tonight or early in the morning then I will not be cycling in December, which is what my gut tells me will be the case. Although I want to cycle, it is nice to remove some pressure from a Christmas BFP or BFN.
I bought some Christmas flotsam yesterday. My plan is to make the guest bathroom look like a holiday snowman farm exploded in there then I will move into other rooms in the house. Last year I avoided real decorations so I may have returned to a happy holiday place.
The adoption front is rather quiet. I have read all the TN adoption statutes, spoken with a lawyer, talked with homestudy agencies, investigated my work reimbursement ($2000) and now I am prepared to wait. While in the midst of trying to figure out how to make adoption happen in a quick timeframe, I was clearly very overwhelmed. But now that I have a grasp on what can happen and how, adoption does not seem anymore intimidating than TTC. If I had to figure out all the ins and outs of ART in a week, I would have also melted down. Even if this adoption opportunity does not pan out, I may be ready to jump into that pool soon.
We found out bio-mom now has 2 jobs. Good for her but potentially bad for us. Who knows? We will talk with her over Thanksgiving and see what her emotional state looks like then.
You ladies are the best! I got so much reassurance and good ideas for how to move forward with this situation if bio-mom agrees. Thank you all for sharing your adoption knowledge and general support. If possible, Joey and I are going to have bio-mom stay with us for a few weeks/month prior to her giving birth which will save us thousands in legal fees and will avoid the dreaded ICPC. Then we will put bio-mom up in a nice hotel for 2 weeks as we wait to finalize paperwork.

My only real life friend who reads this blog (Hi K!) sometimes expresses that she does not want to say the wrong thing to me. I always assure her that she can say ANYTHING to me without me getting offended, and this is true. So I have given some real thought to why I am so annoyed and hurt by trite phrases from other people. For me, I think it is about the other person's intent. If they are uncomfortable with my pain and want to shut me up quickly (although I rarely talk about this babyless business), my feelings are hurt by the banality of a response intended to shut down my lived experience. If the other person is trying to minimize my experience, I am also angry and annoyed. But if the listener actually listens and cares about my feelings, I can pretty much overlook remarks that are more offensive than the cliches. For instance, I have a friend who decided she wanted to get pregnant and did so on her 1st try. She listens endlessly to me and cares so deeply yet she cannot seem to hear me talk about my stupid old eggs without referencing her own abundant fertility. I know I should be upset with her but she does not intend to be insensitive. So finally this week when we spoke she said her normal thing and I responded, "Okay so when are you having a baby for me to adopt?? I am ready now." Unsurprisingly she stammered a bit. Let's hide and see if she mentions her fertility again. (he he)

And that is about it from here, except that I want to take a page from some of you ladies. Last year Olive sent out a little holiday gift to people who sent her their addresses. I though that was so sweet even though I was too shy to send my own address. So gather round, email me your address if you would like a little holiday cheer from TN... don't get too excited, I cannot afford anything very large. But I would like to be able to send a little something to all of you who have been so good to me in this past crazy year. (Lurkers and recent joiners are welcome also.)

Besieged with information

2009-11-12T11:07:00.004-06:00

Has anyone ever noticed that the challenges involved with building a family never seem to get any easier? At this point, I am not even complaining: just noticing a pattern. What would it even be like to decide I wanted a child, have a little afternoon delight and end up pregnant? Does that even happen? Do people really get kids that way anymore? I am so immersed in the lands of infertility and lesbi2n reproduction that I have utterly lost sight of how normal people have babies. To me the "old fashioned way" involves donor sp.erm, fertility drugs and at home inseminations. Damaged and slightly jaded.. who me?

But I have digressed from the original intent of this post. I was trying to talk about how very many layers of red tape are involved with potentially adopting Joey's psuedo relative's baby. Apparently, we need an attorney in TN and we need to find (and pay for) another attorney for the birth mother (in another state). We also need to find an agency willing to work with same gender couples (done), gather about 6 trees worth of paperwork and have a homestudy. Then the birth mother still has the option to back out at any time (which we knew). Then after the baby is born, we have to stay in that other state until the court gives us permission to return to TN. And, the current laws here require that only one of us can actually adopt the baby. Perhaps later we will be able to find another attorney and judge who will sign off on a "step-parent-type" adoption of the other mother. Not to mention that IVF is actually cheaper than all the costs we are looking at having to pay to adopt. (Of course that assumes that IVF works and we all know my track record in that arena.) Application fees, homestudy fees, 2x the legal fees, post placement visit fees, report fees and of course the general costs of actually preparing for a child. How do people do this?

So my newest task is to investigate potential funding streams. What good is it to be in social work if I can't occasionally use my skillset for personal gain? Happily some foundations exist that offer help with all the fees associated with adoption. I could go on and on about this area of research but suffice it to say that IF we get approved for a grant, the money will not arrive within the next few weeks. On and on this whirlwind goes and I am having something of a panic attack about the whole thing. So I am trying to remind myself that I am super-thankful that this young woman is even considering giving us her baby boy.

Confession time: I must admit my own folly. I have already started dreaming about "our son." We have a name picked out and I keep picturing what our curly-haired little man will look like. In my mind, our little bi-racial son will have big brown eyes and will smell like an angel. I can't seem to help myself so I imagine how it will feel to meet him, look at him and hold him for the first time. Note to self: you know better than to allow your heart to get remotely attached to this idea. I wish I could pretend to be smarter about this adoption idea but the heart wants what it wants.

And on to different matters,

still no sign of AF. She now has less than 1 week to show up or our December cycle will be cancelled.
my mother used one of those trite phrases that make us all crazy last night. As I was talking about my adoption fears, she actually said. "If God brought you to this, He will bring you through this." I know she meant well, I do. I don't think working through these adoption challenges will kill me so I know that I will get through this.....But just once, couldn't my mom say something like, "I am so sorry hon. How scary for you. What can I do to help?"

And the beat goes on

2009-11-07T07:48:00.003-06:00

I had more b/w and an ultrasound this week. My E2 is coming down (187) and my lining is STILL excellent at 10.5. Of course these numbers are all wrong for suppression but meh. The nurse said that as long as I start my period by the 18th all will be well for us to have a December transfer. If I do not see AF by the 18th then we will miss the December window (since I need time for my lining to build) and the lab will close before I can complete my cycle. Worst case scenario is that I have to cycle in January, which at this point in my TTC history is not a very bad potential worst case. :) The good news is that my nurse said that I can stop the weekly blood draws and ultrasounds. Yippee! Because I have to say that I have been getting more action from the ultrasound tech than I have been getting at home. I feel like the tech should at least buy me dinner or ask about my interests.

In other news, Joey and I are visiting her home for Thanksgiving. I sooooo do not want to go but I have not seen them in over 2 years. What can I do, except paste on a smile and drive to see them? I just wrote an exceedingly honest description of her family then realized that such honesty on-line would be bad and erased it. Imagine this: if my family were described musically it would likely be some Jack Johnson song. Easy and laid back. If her family were described musically, think "Dueling Banjos" and all the connotations that go along with that. However, they are warm and accepting of me so I should learn to be happier about visiting.

But as part of our trip, Joey and I are meeting with a young pregnant pseudo-relative who is considering adoption. There are many many crazy factors and family pressures surrounding this young woman that are helping her think that she is not ready to raise a child- the details of which I will share in a protected post after we meet with her if things appear as though they will pan out. I can say that the girl is almost 6 months pregnant with a son and she is considering giving her baby to Joey and I. We know better than to get really attached to this idea right now because there are way too many "ifs" surrounding the whole situation, but maybe.

I have this little glimmer of hope that we could have a baby in our house in February and that thought is utterly intoxicating. Joey has always wanted to adopt and I have always wanted to carry a baby. So here is the happiest dream ever: what if within the next few months, we both got our hearts' desires? What if we have not 1 but 2 babies in our home by the end of 2010? I cannot imagine how my heart could contain such joy.

And now I am back to reality: one step at a time. Suppression, period, transfer, pregancy test and talk, home study, waiting, lawyers. All maybes.

Three dirty dogs

2009-10-31T16:37:00.004-05:00

All my babies are home again. Joey and I are two happy mamas this evening.

We spent the entire day calling rescue organizations, going to shelters (too awful), driving around, hanging new signs, fearing the worst and periodically crying. Then just as Joey and I suited up for what I assume would have been a 40 mile trek into the squishy fields and woods surrounding our house, my phone rang. A very nice man about 1 mile from our house called to say that he had seen our sign at the local quickie mart. He said that some dogs that seemed to fit the description of mine were hiding in the barn next to his house. I immediately started RUNNING to the Xterra. Joey wanted to go into the house to get leashes and a blanket to cover her seats with: I would have none of that. So we sped down the road and pulled up next to the barn "Dukes of H@zzard" style.

Sure enough my three goofy dogs were hiding out. Bailey (the giant Schnauzer) did not recognize me at first and he was violently shaking all over. Jack (the former foster dog) recognized me immediately and ran to me happily. Bailey then recognized his mamas and began wagging and kissing. Watson (the mini Schnauzer) was pretty traumatized. He ran to the car and barked alot. Then I looked over and all three dogs were jumping on Joey, clamoring for her attention. Ahhh, good times. We brought the mud ball dogs home, fed them and began the process of untangling burrs from fur. Eventually scissors were involved. Now Bailey is taking up our whole bed napping. Watson has curled up on the couch with my pink robe and Jack is napping in a dog bed. They are all exhausted as are Joey and I.

I could not be happier about the ending of this saga, but who has ever heard of a dog that cannot find the way home even a mile away?

heartsick

2009-10-30T10:07:00.005-05:00

Last night as Joey was opening the gate to go into our fenced yard, the dogs bum-rushed her. We expected that they would come home quickly but they are still not home today (10 AM). Last night and today, I have driven around local neighborhoods and searched the nearby fields and woods. I have called local animal control offices who have been surprisingly helpful. I am currently waiting for the 1 hour photo place to finish my pics so that I can put up fliers all over the area. My heart is broken. Watson, Bailey and Jack (a foster dog) are gone and I cannot stop thinking of all the terrible things that might have happened to them. These are my kids. Please say a little prayer to whoever or whatever you believe in.

Unquelled yet surrendered

2009-10-28T16:17:00.004-05:00

Last week's E2 level? 320

This week's E2 level? 308

I pretty much knew I was in trouble when the ultrasound tech congratulated me on my nice thick lining this morning. (It is at 11 at present.) My response, "Uh, this is a suppression check." Her abashed response, "Oh." Yeah, I knew that was not a good response since my lining should be thin and my E2 level low.

The nurse called my voice mail this afternoon. She was really apologetic and said that the RE had no explanation for why this is happening. "It just happens sometimes." Now I am likely to get a period before the transfer and before I start E2 and progesterone. It is pretty much looking like our thaw and transfer will not happen until the week after Thanksgiving. This is the oddest cycle I have ever experienced.

In a weird twist, I am not fretting. My thoughts are that maybe having a different kind of cycle will result in a better outcome. Also I had a bit of a release in my car today. I came to the place where I accepted that I have little to no control in this process. I am not the one who is in charge and I need to stop living and thinking as though I am. I surrendered. Now I am almost watching the process from outside myself which is a relief from the near constant self-doubt I have been living with this cycle.

Now I just need to order more Lupron.

Gratuitous kitten pics

2009-10-26T23:47:00.007-05:00

Because some days you just need a little kittie love.

You can't suppress me!

2009-10-22T16:47:00.002-05:00

I had my suppression check today and my E2 level was still too high to continue. So I take Lupron for another week and my transfer gets pushed back by a week, making my transfer day November 19 (which was our original plan). Ok, no big deal. right?

I also met with a nurse I have never met face to face before. But we have communicated several times. She was so warm. She talked about how she felt as though she already knows me and that she is really hopeful that Joey and I will end up with a baby from this cycle. She also told me that the donor we are using this time is great. She is petite-- kinda like me. The nurse said our donor has a great history of high quality eggs. I am hopeful but nervous. What if Joey and I made the wrong decision? What if Joey should be the one to try to get pregnant? What if, what if, what if???

Off the grid and fun with math

2009-10-19T21:55:00.005-05:00

I have been almost completely Internet-free in my spare time recently. It was strangely freeing and anxiety-provoking at the same time. But now I am back (and almost entirely caught up) both from my Internet sabbatical and from an actual vacation.

Joey had a conference in Salt Lake so we decided to stick a vacation at the end. I was pleasantly surprised. The weather was fabulous and we spent time with great friends. I almost didn't think about TTC for a few days, which is tough when I am taking injections every morning. Then out of the blue, our IVF nurse calls and asks if she can move up our cycle by 1 week. The new schedule means that our eggs will be thawed on November 9 and our transfer will be November 12. Now let me just express to you the joy that comes from having this very private conversation, along with lady business questions, while sharing a rented van with 7 friends. So much for my dignity and being low key. You know what also sucked? The driver did not realize when I got on the phone so she cranked the radio really loud and I had to ask her to turn it down. Now instead of people having side conversations, the van goes utterly quiet as I ask questions about when I will have my period and when will my ultrasounds be scheduled. Ah well, half the nation has seen my lady business so why not have the other half hear about my period and such?

In the time that I WAS thinking about TTC, I considered some numbers:

Using conservative numbers, IVF works about 40% of the time. So 40 out of 100 people will get pregnant on the first try.

Then 40% of the non-pregnant 60 get pregnant on the second try which is 24.

Now 64 of the original 100 have gotten pregnant, leaving 36 women to have a third IVF and 40% will get pregnant (14).

This means that after 3 cycles of IVF about 78 of 100 women will have a baby.

Assume that the 22 women not pregnant will all move on to donor eggs. Of those 22, 60% will get pregnant (13). Now the number of women having babies has increased to 91 out of 100.

If my math is correct (and remember that I am a therapist, not a real scientist, meaning that my math skills are roughly on par with the average 6th grader) I am part of less that 10% of women trying to get pregnant using ART who are not successful after 3 IVFs and a donor egg cycle.

No one can ever accuse me of being a quitter.

How we met

2009-10-09T22:15:00.005-05:00

I am at that place in the cycle where life is uneventful. Aside from taking BCPs and prenatals, my life is just the same as when I am not cycling. I am finding this normalcy quite calming. So I decided to finally write the story of how Joey and I met. (Yes, J = Joey. She said that she is comfortable with me using her name now.)

I know it is trite but the way Joey and I met was through an online dating site. Joey had just moved to a new city to begin her PhD program. She was looking to meet new people and she did not have much free time to spend in bars and such. I lived in a small town and I was quite entrenched in the lesbian community. As happens with small towns, the dating scene had become too incestuous for my comfort. It got to the point where every new woman I dated was an ex of this close friend or that close friend and then having parties got complicated because inevitably Jane doesn’t like Dylan and Dylan cannot be in the same room as Wendy, etc. I wanted a woman from well-outside the circle of crazy.

Joey had an online profile with a picture. She was wearing little John Lennon glasses, uber lesbian chic clothes and a mischievous grin. Her profile was also laugh out loud funny. She talked about lots of things but what I recall is that she wanted someone who could find her bad spelling charming and who could see the unintentional humor in many of the profiles on the site. Witty, stylish and confident? Sign me up! I spent about 2 hours crafting the perfect email introduction… just a few lines but constructed for maximum benefit. She responded and I was so excited. We emailed back and forth a few times, talking about life, our careers and funny tidbits. Then one day, I mentioned The Princess Bride. Bam! Joey’s next email ended with a telephone number and a good time to call. She told me when we spoke that anyone who loved the Princess Bride couldn’t be too scary. We talked on the phone for hours on end, every day for about 2 weeks in addition to continued emailing. The conversations were intoxicating. I had not connected with anyone so completely and I kept telling myself not to get too excited (I knew that a telephone persona could be quite different from real life). We decided to meet but we both agreed that we would only meet as friends.

Joey drove down to meet me on a Saturday. I was giddy with excitement. When she got to my town, she called and I directed her to my apartment complex. My apartment was far from the road. I stood on my little porch and watched her walk toward my door. I was hooked. She was hot! I got nervous and felt goofy hanging out on the porch. I went back into my apartment which Joey found hilarious. She could clearly see how wigged out I was (in a good way). Thankfully I was cool enough to not come on too strong, which would have made her head for the hills. I took Joey to a birthday party where we were making pottery. I had not told any of my friends about Joey and they were all intrigued. They were convinced that Joey and I had been secretly dating. Joey and I had fun with keeping them confused. We made a plate together, sitting close enough that we had to touch accidentally. We laughed a lot and somewhere in the middle of the party, Joey put her hand on my leg. Every little touch was electric and I was able to maintain my composure only with great effort. We joked that we were making our “love plate” and we would eat our wedding cake off the plate. Then I took her to a bar to watch some of my friends play music. There we held hands and she often kept her hand in the small of my back. I knew that I wanted to be so much more than friends.

We ended the evening late and Joey said that she was going to drive home that night. I convinced her that it was dangerous to drive so far when she was tired. She agreed to stay the night. Conveniently, my couch was super uncomfortable and I only had one bed. She felt a bit awkward about sleeping together. I told her that I slept with all my friends (the double entendre was intentional) then with my best sexy confidence I promised not to attack her, unless she wanted me to. I gave her a t-shirt and boxers to sleep in. Joey had an insurance policy to make certain that she would behave herself that night: she didn't shave her legs. That did not work as well as she planned. I said goodnight and turned toward the wall. My lack of aggression intrigued Joey and she snuggled up behind me. Of course we didn’t go right to sleep *smile* but we also stayed clothed….. the next night was another story.

From here our story gets pretty lesbian average. We talked on the phone for hours and we spent every weekend together. We were together every moment we could find and within the month we were clearly in love. Six months later I left my town and my state to move in with Joey. Truthfully, I think I fell in love from the moment we met. Six years later, I remain in a bit of disbelief that we met and that I get to be with the person who is perfect for me. I still find her witty, stylish and sexy.

Deep breaths

2009-10-05T15:00:00.002-05:00

J and I had a consultation with our RE today. First we talked about our failed DE cycle. After every one of these sessions I am left feeling dissatisfied. I want a REASON. I want to know what went wrong. Instead we always we get an answer like, "Well it could have been ___ or it might have been _____."

Our RE did say that she was surprised that we did not have any embryos left to freeze and she said that with this next cycle, she will try to get us more eggs. Also we agreed that she will choose our donor based upon who has the best eggs. All good things. She also thought it was odd that I keep not getting pregnant when my lining looks good. We talked a bit about J carrying but in the end decided to go with my uterus again.

So I will keep taking the BCPs and will begin Lupron in about a week. Then I will add in Estradiol and Progesterone injections. Same protocol as last time. Tentative transfer date November 19.

I must admit that I am feeling anxious about this cycle. I have no idea where my calm Zen place might be hiding. I am fearful and I have lost confidence in my body. I need a serious infusion of Hope. Any ideas where she might be hiding?

WHOA!?

2009-09-29T14:54:00.002-05:00

Do you ever have a series of events happen in your life that leave you feeling dumbfounded? Yep, that is where I am right now. After days of going back and forth between acceptance, sadness and anger, I did not expect this turn of events.

So this is the story.

Yesterday, I had not gotten AF after 7 days which made me concerned that something might be amiss. J called the IVF nurse for me who suggested I take another hpt but said not to worry. Don't get excited... still negative. I bought some super cheapo hpts, because I did not want to spend good money to tell me what I already knew. The first test, I failed. Seriously, I failed it and got no response at all. Apparently, I flooded the thing and got no lines whatsoever. I did not know that could even happen! El cheapo #2 confirmed that I am still not pregnant. Really it's okay. J and I laughed alot.

Also the financial lady from our clinic called. She is really nice and we like her. She said that the whole clinic was upset that our cycle ended with a BFN. Then she said.....wait for it...... that the clinic will let us cycle again for the super low introductory donor egg price!!!! Not exactly free but 1/3 the price of what other people are paying now. They felt that we have been through too much and they saw no reason this cycle should have failed.

*slightly dazed look and glassy eyes* Yes, I would like 2 more tickets for the crazy train, please.

So today marks CD1 for me and I get right back on BCPs on Thursday. The nurse was calling my other meds into the fertility pharmacy this afternoon.

I also feel the need to apologize to my credit cards in advance. They are about to be inundated.

Pruning

2009-09-27T13:45:00.001-05:00

The weeds have grown back in my flower beds again, as they are so wont to do. So today rather than taking the nap I wanted to take, I decided to clear out some weeds both physically and metaphorically. I grabbed great angry handfuls of tall weeds and jerked them out from the roots. I am not fooled though. I know that the weeds are still lying in wait underneath the mulch and they will grow back again. Vigilance and determination is the key. And aren’t those really the keys to everything?

I also pruned the enormous and unruly bridal wreath bush. It blooms when and if it chooses. And it adamantly resists all my efforts to contain it. It is at the corner of the flowerbed and at times I find an errant new sprig has grown outside the boundaries of the bed. It refuses to stop. I cut it back to near stubs at times and yet it always finds a way to grow larger, greener and healthier. I respect that bush.

So today, I will enjoy the sunshine. I will breathe and I will find new territory to grow into. No one ever promised that growth would come without a price.

The fleet of hope is so pretty

2009-09-25T15:43:00.003-05:00

Tread carefully, there be sharks in these waters!

So I want to begin with a heart-felt thank you all of you who commented or emailed me this week. Every word was like a lifeline and while I hardly feel as though I have the words for a post I want to let you know that I have not done a swan dive from a bridge. Also, I really do plan to email all of you back: hopefully I can stop wearing this damn albatross around my neck (which is really weighing me down). Every footstep feels heavy and gravity is not my friend. I find myself feeling the need to sit and stare into space at every opportunity. For instance, right now I am blogging as I left a half-completed pan of twice-baked potatoes waiting for their filling. Meh.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I hardly know the woman staring back at me. I look as tired as I feel. My body is bulkier than when I began TTC and my eyes don't convey a sense of mischief anymore. I don't even feel funny, and I think I used to be pretty funny. Not to mention that I have having some serious anger toward my physical self. I have a friend who is HIV+ and he always refers to his blood as poison (yes, he has issues). When I think about my own reproductive tract, I internally call it the "embryo terminator". I used to call it that aloud but J put a rapid end to that level of emotional flogging. Alas, gallows humor is not her thing.

After we got confirmation that this cycle was a bust, J and I briefly talked about giving up TTC then she had an insight that she doesn't even know if we could be who we were before we started trying. J wants to talk future plans. She wants to consider our options. She wants me to be okay. Mostly I just want to nap.

Also if another well-intended person in the non-TTC world says to me that a baby will happen for J and I "when the time is right," I am going to completely lose my mind. So I could have saved the 50 grand we have spent as well as all this emotional turmoil if I could be more tuned into when God and the universe are ready for us to conceive?! R.i.g.h.t

I sound my barbaric YAWP...

2009-09-21T18:58:00.002-05:00

It is over. I am not pregnant.

I went to the RE's office only to find that my pg test was not covered in the large fee we paid for this cycle. My insurance required that my blood be sent away to another lab which means no answer until tomorrow afternoon. I literally began sobbing in the lab tech's little cubicle area. I almost felt sorry for the blood lady as she tried in vain to comfort me. I gathered myself and made it to my car. Where I called J and reported the day's suckage through sobs, sniffs and gasps. She called our GYN who I am convinced is the nicest man in the universe. The GYN agreed to do a bloodtest and give us the results within a 2 hour period. All covered by my insurance thank.you.very.much. Of course the doc came in and said that there is no HCG in my system. He was kind and apologetic. He also wrote me a new script for my anti-depressant.

J and I are so sad, angry and broken that there are no words to express the emotions. We are wrestling with "why" and what to do next. There are no answers in this primal place. But we are open to answers if anyone has some.

Into the rabbit hole

2009-09-19T08:12:00.003-05:00

I took a hpt this morning. Eight days past a 3 day transfer seemed like a safe-enough time. It is negative. I cried a little but mostly I got really numb. J did her best to cheer me up. She told me how early it is and that the blood test may show something better. (I admit that I am still holding out some hope for that.) J also said that I need to stay strong and positive for the embryos. But I think that they are either attached and thriving or arrested and gone: I have little faith that my hope or lack thereof will have any effect at this point.

I looked at J and said, "What will we do if this didn't work?" Her response without a moment's hesitation, "We will save up and try again." Truly I never doubt her love for me and that makes me glow inside. But I must wonder, do I just look foolish at this point? I keep trying this and that, tweaking the protocol, trying a different road, thinking outside the box....nothing works. When is it time to stop banging my head against this damn brick wall?

All in

2009-09-14T17:22:00.002-05:00

So, neither of the extra embryos made it to freeze. Let me just say that I am not a "live on the edge" kind of gal. I am much more about hedging my bets. I buy extra insurance. I buy extended warranties. I like having a safety net. Why does the universe never allow me a reproductive insurance policy?

So as usual, I am waiting through this 2ww knowing that the outcome is black or white. No do-overs for me. Is this some cosmic lesson I am supposed to learn?

But here is my bright side thought: Why wouldn't this current cycle work? the embryos are high quality, my uterus was ready and textbook, the lab used ICSI and AH. This will work!!

Of emotions, waiting and celebrations

2009-09-13T14:03:00.003-05:00

Since my transfer, my emotions have been all over the map. Granted I have been a more tearful person in general since I began TTC but seriously I have hit a new level of emotionality. Now I don't feel that it is enough to simply get tearful over other people's blogs, kind remarks from friends, television shows (especially when babies are born) and etc. Now I feel that there must actually be tears rolling down my cheeks and occasional sobs. This behavior is really embarrassing for me. I tend to be rather understated so all these waterworks are more than a little disconcerting. The problem is that I cannot seem to stop myself. Seriously, I try all the tricks: looking up at the ceiling, deep breathing, reminding myself that I am also being affected by the medications at this point. Nothing works!

On other fronts, I am feeling cautiously optimistic about this cycle. I keep telling myself: "young eggs and high quality embryos." The clinic also used ICSI and assisted hatching. I like the idea of using new techniques (for me). Surely new efforts will equal new outcomes, right? Right? I am trying to focus on eating well, meditating and not allowing myself to worry too much. The jury is still out on whether I will be able to stay in this calm happy place. I think I am hoping for some small symptom in the next week, like impossibly sore bbs, a bit of implantation spotting or something.

Also today J and I are celebrating our 6 year anniversary. We are keeping it rather low key this year as I am still under many cycle-related restrictions. I think we will have a nice dinner and some shopping afterward. Feeling inspired by the rash of "how we met" stories I have really enjoyed lately, I may put together the story of how J and I met in a future post.... must stay busy in the 2ww.

Transfer complete

2009-09-11T17:36:00.003-05:00

2 sweet perfect little embryos are hopefully snuggling into my uterus right now. J calls them our pearls and I love that idea. One embryo was 7 celled and the other was 8 celled. The embryologist said that they both looked just the way they hoped for today. The RE (one I had not seen before) called my uterus textbook perfect. In fact every RE has called my uterus some version of beautiful. I am taking that as a good sign. Let's hope this fabulous uterus is the perfect home for my little pearls.

My other 2 embies are still doing well. I will know Monday if one or both can be frozen.

More updates

2009-09-10T11:47:00.003-05:00

Original post:I have an update of sorts. A different person called from the IVF lab this morning. He said that I have "several embryos" which "seem to be developing well." Then he re-iterated that my transfer is scheduled for tomorrow morning. He said they would bring photos of our embryos then.

OK- I am happy that some of our embryos are developing well and that I will get embryos to transfer.

BUT- I want a number!! Are 4 still doing well? Has a fifth embryo made a late start? Are we down to 3 embies now? *banging head on desk*

Now, breathing and reminding myself that all I really want is 2 excellent quality embryos to transfer, implant and grow into a healthy child/ren.

Now back to being excited....

Update: My ever assertive J called the woman she has made pals with at the RE's office to get more detailed information. I love my wife! Now we know that 2 eggs did not thaw well. 2 eggs did not fertilize at all and 4 fertilizing is quite good. She then said that 2 embryos are looking spectatcular! Two other embryos are still living and dividing but they are just "looking good." The clinic will let those 2 good embryos develop to day 5: if they make it to the blastocyst stage, they will be frozen. So yay, we still have 4 embryos.

Happy happy, joy joy!!

Early returns

2009-09-09T18:58:00.002-05:00

After much waiting and fingernail-biting, the lab let me know that 6 eggs were able to be ICSI'd. 4 fertilized. Of course I wish I could have gotten a 100% fertilization rate, but I am excited to know that we have 4 little embryos dividing and growing at this point. It is also reassuring to know that the little embryos are made by healthy young fertiles. I am reminding myself not to be greedy. J and I just need 2 excellent quality embryos to transfer on Friday. The lab will give us another update tomorrow afternoon, so keep sending positive, thriving energy to "the babies." Incidentally, we keep talking about the 4 embryos as though they are fully functioning children hanging out in the lab. "Do you think they are lonely?" "Do you think they are thinking about us too?" Do you think they will like the dogs?"

Ok, deep breaths.

Held hostage

2009-09-08T18:11:00.003-05:00

Well not exactly, but the clinic did not give us any details on how the egg thaw went today. I called my clinic-created mailbox all afternoon and.... nothing, nada, zilch. zero, no dice. I came home and double-checked my paperwork and the clinic said I could call for a fertilization report TOMORROW. So it seems that technically speaking, the clinic is doing is exactly what they promised and taking care of the embryos (You say potAto/ I say potato). Doesn't my RE know that I need some information today? Doesn't she get it that mommy needs information about the egg babies? The good news is that it seems that J and I are equally disturbed.

So J comes home and says, "Do you think we have babies? What do you think they look like?"

Me: "Microscopic round little balls most likely. High quality perfect cell balls."

J said: "High quality perfectly round balls with equally dividing cells."

Me: "Yeah, those are our babies."

Shoutout to Queerstork:
http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html

Oh the places my brain goes

2009-09-07T20:13:00.003-05:00

This cycle is so.... quiet. I am still taking Estradiol shots twice weekly, Lupron daily and today I began taking PIO injections. The RE also added an antibiotic and a steroid as a "just in case measure." It's funny the things a person can get accustomed to. I set my phone's alarm, I take the next med and I move on. My side of this cycle seems easy, physically.

I am finding the mental aspect much harder. I find it hard to truly admit this to myself, but this attempt is quite likely the end of our journey. I am hopeful that I will get pregnant and will have a baby from this cycle, and if that does not work, I am hopeful that we will have frozen embryos to use in the future. But after that.... I think we have to be done. What other drastic measures can a woman take after 3 IVFs and the use of donor eggs? If this does not work, I cannot keep asking J (and myself) to keep pouring money down the drain. In honesty, J could have walked away after IVF 2 or 3: she keeps persevering because she worries how I will react if she says "no more." So this is now my task, I must be the one who finds the end game, edits our priorities. Clearly money is not the value we esteem most, but imagine the vacations we could have financed with our "fertility money." Imagine the student loans we could be finished with. Imagine the simple good times we could have if our focus were not always on the next step, the next chart, the next plan..... the life we hope we will have. How might our lives be different if we could honestly start living presently? If we could fill this moment to the brim with LIFE and fun and happy memories, would that be enough? So here comes the big question: if this donor egg thing does not come through, will the life I am left with be enough?

I have asked myself the same question many times throughout this journey and every time I have answered that "NO, my life cannot be full without a child!" But I think I am at a different place today. My answer is not a calm, serene, "Sure." My answer is more like, "I can find a way to make my life happy." I watched a powerful presentation on TED.com about this very topic. The speaker showed research that discussed the level of happiness people present after events and the results were surprising. Getting everything a person wants (like winning the lottery) does not make that person any happier than a person living through a trauma after 6 or more months have passed. It seems that we must find meaning to make our lives happy. So I am trying to find ways to make my life meaningful with or without a BFP, with or without a child.

See my point? The physical side of this cycle is rather a cinch compared to all the mental machinations I am putting myself through.

But all in all I am not as freaked as I seem. I am still hopeful and I believe this cycle will give J and I the child we are meant to have. I think I am just moving to a place of letting go of the wants of my ego to move to a place of accepting whatever fate my life holds. Either way, I will move forward without regrets.

Tomorrow morning, our eggies will be thawed and ICSI'd. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas. A kid with a really intense set of thoughts and worries.

A bit of clarification

2009-09-02T18:02:00.004-05:00

I have been playing fast and loose with the cycle dates I have mentioned in my posts, causing some confusion in blogland.

So here is my attempt to be less confounding:

My 8 little frozen donor eggs will be thawed and fertilized on September 8.
2 (hopefully) perfect quality embryos will be transferred to my uterus on September 11.

I am so excited I can hardly see straight!! Wanna know another thing I am oddly excited about? The RE has prescribed 1 Xa.nax for me the day of the transfer. That lovely little pill goes so nice with uncomfortable procedures.

Here is a mental picture to leave you with: J is cooking supper. yay! I looked up to notice that she is wearing my new apron. I did a double take to discover that she is wearing only my apron and some panties.

Moments-- updated

2009-08-31T10:16:00.003-05:00

I have been a terrible commenter and poster of late. I am sorry about that. I don't have any great excuses except that I have decided to do lots of self-care for this cycle. I am having a massage a week. I am presently able to justify things I normally would not purchase. I have basically fore sworn unappealing household chores and I am living like a diva! For pete's sake I am even eating what I want (mostly). Honestly though, writing about my diva-like actions is stirring up all my WASP-y guilt but I will move forward with some of the more fun moments from the past few days.

I made and ate homemade chocolate pudding for supper last night. And yes, that was ALL I ate. I used my grandmother's recipe and the whole event brought back the most comforting waves of nostalgia. By the way, the pudding was smooth and a little sweet... just like Granny made.
I bought myself a Willi@ms and Sonom@ apron. It is perfectly lovely and I have created a space to hang it in my pantry. Reminiscent of my other grandmother. I feel very motherly when I wear it.
I searched all over town until I found a Sod@Stream, carbonated water maker. I love it! It makes Perrier-like water or sodas at home without all the bottles, sugar and caffeine. I convinced myself that I needed the new shiny thing because my drinking options are now limited since I don't want the sugar from soda and cannot have caffeine in tea.
There was a sale at Coldwater Creek. Need I say more? I am utterly filled with consumer bliss.

In real TTC news, my lining is at 9.6 on the ultrasound today. I don't have my E2 level yet, but I am thinking that the news will be good. Currently I have EPS. My nips are like radars. They can feel a strong breeze in the next county and forget about coming near them. If the nurse decided to feel me up at my appointment today, I was planning to have serious words with her. The bbs are now strictly off-limits due to crazy-soreness. (And yes, I am quite sure that I am not pregnant since the transfer is still 12 days away. :) )

Also, as I was lying on the table today with "the wand" inserted into....well where it goes, the ultrasound tech turned on the hooha interrogation light and swung it around. The light made a loud squeaky noise, which was annoying. The tech decided that she would then attempt some sort of assessment on the light, while her other hand was still busy stuffing a wand inside my nether regions. Eventually she did give my lady business the proper attention it deserved but frankly I am deciding that my clinic pretty much forgets that there is a person attached to the other end of all the faulty reproductive bits!

UPDATE: My E2 level is 742. My lining is tri-layer. AND my egg thaw is officially confirmed for September 8. This thing is going to happen!!

For those of you playing along at home

2009-08-18T17:07:00.002-05:00

My bloodwork, ultrasound and mock embryo transfer went well today.

My E2 is at 46 and my lining is almost non-existent. I am suppressed. Now I reduce the Lupron to 5 units per day and I start taking Esatradol Valerate on Thursday. Next appointment August 31.

As for the mock embryo transfer, the nurse "threaded my cervix" twice. Basically she did a pretend IUI.... 2 times. Why the extra attempt? I suppose, just for the fun of seeing my uterus cramp. ??? And does anyone know why she had to feel up on my tatas? I am just curious about that.

Choices

2009-08-17T17:31:00.003-05:00

So I had to visit with my primary care doctor today to have bloodwork re-done. Apparently the FDA requires people using ART have a certain set of tests EVERY 2 YEARS. The doctor determined that my bloodwork expired sometime at the beginning of the summer. Yep, we have been trying to get pregnant with IVF so long that it is officially time to have the same tests repeated. I was feeling a touch irritated about that until I met a lovely nurse at the doctor's office.

She is a tall pretty blond who is fit and intelligent. She was looking over my chart and began asking lots of questions about infertility and IVF. Turns out that she is 25 years old, married and does not ovulate. She has done some testing but is clearly under-informed. She took Clomid for a year. Now she and her husband plan to try naturally and pray. She said that if she has not gotten pregnant by the time she is 30, she'll try IVF. She thinks that she and her husband will have saved enough money by then. My heart is breaking. That young woman wants a family so badly and she feels that she has no real options to get a baby for 5 years.

So while I am generally quite happy with my life, I had one more reminder that I am lucky. I have found my soul mate and I never have a single day when I do not feel loved. (Occasionally I feel incredibly annoyed or angry at my soulmate but I know those feelings will pass.) I have a job I am good at (though occasionally I question whether I want to do it). And through some incredible luck or timing or whatever, we have been able to do IVF 3x and now a donor egg cycle. So no, I don't have a baby yet. But yes, I still have many things to be thankful about in my life. In the end, I think it all comes down to options. When I look at the options in my life, I feel that there have been enough thus far and I feel grateful to have come so far. I am reminded that I have choices and that is not a small gift to be overlooked.

So Vv v v v very happy

2009-08-14T20:27:00.006-05:00

I am typing this entry on the shiny new laptop my honey bought for me. Previous posts have been typed on my old Dell which has been slowly dying. To begin the back arrow stopped working... no big deal. Next the "V" key broke and could not be reattached, necessitating me to stick my finger in the hole where the "V" once resided. It worked, but it was not an efficient typing method. You might be surprised how often the letter "V" gets used in ordinary writing. Final straw: the spring holding up the screen broke, meaning that I had to type with one hand while I held the screen in a use able position with my other hand (makes capitalizing letters pretty tough). Being resourceful and a lesbian, I grabbed a handy roll of duct tape and created a bridge between the screen and keyboard. It worked but it wasn't pretty! Recent development: the laptop began slamming on my fingers each time I moved. I have known I needed a new computer for a long time but with my old laptop somewhat functional, I did not want to divert funds from the baby-making effort. So today I came home from work to find a lovely pink present in place of my old laptop. J's a keeper and I feel so excited to be off the low-rent laptop.

Domestic Goddess/ Hormonal Mess

2009-08-11T18:02:00.008-05:00

Lest you all think that all I ever do is try to reproduce, I wanted to share a bit about my weekend. (For that matter, sometimes it feels like all I ever do is try to reproduce.) So this weekend, my mother and father came to visit. We spent time shopping, having a super yummy dinner and visiting. My mom and I pressure canned green beans and tomatoes. My dad and J built a new handrail on our deck. My parents also got to meet their newest furry grandkids, ie, the kittens, who obliged by frolicking most cutely. It was a good weekend and I loved it.

In the past, I used to think that I would NEVER quit my job: now I have changed my mind. I think I could quite happily hang out around home: growing things, making planned-out dinners, keeping my house clean and (dare I say?) taking care of babies. Were J and I to become independently wealthy, I would quit THAT DAY and never look back. Especially since the team I direct has collectively lost their minds and this week is yearly evaluation time. I can practically feel the Cindy voodoo dolls being made and stuck with pins. Really who needs to have people want to speak to them at work anyway? :)

On other fronts, I have always tended to think snarky thoughts about women who complain about BCPs. I have just never had any trouble with them. Karma is now biting me in the ass. I. am. evil. and. moody. For instance J was all cheerful this morning as she took care of the dogs and fed the cats. She had the unmitigated gall to MAKE NOISE and TALK to me! I had to fight the urge to tell her to "shut up!" Really? How crazy can I be? And even as mean as I am, J is being sweet and loving. She hugs me and kisses me and says how pretty I look. I almost judge her for loving me at this point.

Did I mention that I am taking more Lupron than ever before? The needles are tiny but the first shot stung like a tiny little wasp on my arm. And it kept stinging for about an hour. Eek. Not to mention the headaches that have come on with the Lupron. Egads. I am working really hard to channel my inner happy place but frankly, I am a serious hormonal grump!

What do I think?

2009-08-04T09:28:00.003-05:00

I have been reading about early pregnancy foods to eat and foods to avoid. J and I are seriously trying to schedule a time to paint the nursery. As I was canning green beans last night, J asked if we should can more than normal this year, since we will be a larger family (of course then she realized that it will pretty much be next summer before anyone can be born). As I read Best When Used By's early pregnancy fears (totally normal) I tried to give myself a stern talk about how to best get through those early days. And as I looked at An Offering of Love's recent baby belly (beautiful!), I could totally imagine myself that pregnant.

So yeah, I think this donor egg cycle is going to work. I am fearful of course. But at some point I realized that I can't take a step forward until I find enough faith to believe the step will work. I am simply not a roll the dice and see what happens person anymore. So I am hanging out with Hope and she is whispering the sweetest things in my ear right now.

Cycle tally:
roughly 2 more weeks of BCP to take.
Z-pak finished- wicked yeast infection initiated (sorry TMI)
Lupron shots begin in T-6 days.

Bitter pill

2009-08-02T08:49:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I think I have completely dealt with an issue only to find that the issue still has some power over me. I find these moments of self-insight frustrating beyond words. For instance I know that the world is not fair. I know that many families who do not want or need to be parents will easily have children. I know that women who are completely physically, emotionally and financially prepared to be parents will never get that chance. I know that there is no real rhyme or reason to who gets pregnant how quickly. I know. I know. I know that TTC is not fair. Sometimes though I still struggle to accept the unfairness of this process.

Remember my friend A, who I wrote about a couple of months ago? She is my long-term friend who is 39 and recently decided to try to have a child. She refused to take any fertility drugs and began IUI's. She was honestly a bit smug about her chances of conceiving, saying "Women in my family are always fertile." I wished her well but had my doubts. Yeah, we all know where this is going. She called me yesterday. Her second IUI attempt was successful. She is pregnant.

I have now been lapped by older women who only recently woke up and though "Oh, I think I might try to be a mom now." The lack of fairness is a bitter pill this weekend. I have done 3 IVF cycles... no baby. J has done 5 IUIs...no baby. J has done 3 at home insems... no baby. We have spent many thousands of dollars we do not have. We have cried more tears than we thought we could hold and we have prayed with such intensity. Now we have even given up on own own DNA. It feels as though we have put in our time and my friend A hasn't. I can't help but think of a post by the egg dance some months back when she listed all the people she thought would become pregnant before she does. To name a few, she listed men, extinct animals, and her neutered pets. For my own personal list, I would like to add every freaking female I ever knew, even the ones who said that they did not want children!

BTW: a part of me is really happy for her since I would never wish infertility upon anyone.

Things I know now

2009-07-28T22:10:00.003-05:00

J talked to the nurse who has the most contact with the donors at our clinic. We got a bit more information about the donor's physical characteristics and some details about her personality as well. The nurse said that our donor "lights up the room when she enters" and described her as funny and outgoing. I love those characteristics. The donor is 21 years old and is considered the clinic's "best" egg producer. The nurse also said that every cycle with our donor's eggs have resulted in a pregnancy (either immediately or through FET). Last piece of information: more than 50% of the pregnancies have been twins. Exciting and scary all at the same time!! Now that twins might be a real option, the thought is frightening due to all the complications that can come with twins. Holy stomach butterflies Batman!

A few people have asked some questions about my cycle, which must be confusing to people not in the midst of my craziness. So please allow me to explain. I am using frozen donor eggs. The donor goes through a cycle specifically to produce frozen eggs or gets paid to go through a fresh donor cycle with someone else (tres expensive!). The original egg recipient gets a total of 12 eggs then any additional eggs are frozen. The women getting the frozen donor eggs are given up to 8 eggs (at least enough to create 2-3 embryos). The success rates with frozen donor eggs is roughly the same as with a fresh donor egg cycle- 60% or better. The benefits of a frozen egg cycle are 1) the cycles of donor and recipient do not need to be synchronized and 2) less expense since the donor can provide for multiple people at the same time. The eggs are frozen immediately after egg retrieval then are thawed when the recipient is ready. The eggs are then fertilized and allowed to culture for a 3 day transfer. And 2 weeks later the recipient (ME) gets a positive beta!!!

So yeah, yesterday's melancholy seems to have left and the hope is rolling back in.

Out of the starting gate

2009-07-27T17:29:00.004-05:00

I am having serious difficulty creating any sort of post in which I talk about the schedule for my donor egg cycle. So sorry folks, the following is rather informative but really not very clever.

I am now on BCP's. (always such an irony)
At the end of this week I add a Z pak.
August 10, Begin Lupron injections.
August 20, Begin Estradiol injections.
August 31, Last suppression check and Estradiol level taken.
Sept 7, they thaw and fertilize my (donor) eggs.
Sept 10, Embryo transfer!!!
Various monitoring visits thrown in for good measure and a mock embryo transfer sometime in August.
Sept 20, I will take my 1st hpt--- if I have shown amazing self-restraint.

I am feeling strangely calm about this cycle. I suppose I have great faith in young eggs and I just can't stand to think about how I will react if... you know. So la la la, I am NOT thinking about that. I am thinking happy thoughts and trying to decide if I am brave enough to paint the nursery.

And finally the coy minx has arrived!

2009-07-23T11:21:00.001-05:00

Missing

2009-07-22T18:49:00.005-05:00

I would like to place a missing *erm* person's report please. It's my aunt, Aunt Flo. She has gone missing. While normally she is something of an inconvenience because she likes to do things like drop by when I am unprepared or irritate me on a day I need to be cheerful. However, this month I have been waiting for her. I have set the stage for her arrival and many plans hang in the balance depending upon her arrival schedule. She did phone ahead on Monday, causing me endless frustration. She has decided to be something of a persnickety cuss and now she will not show herself. You see I usually see her about every 25-26 days. This time she has decided to make a grand late entrance when she KNOWS that I need to call CD1 into the RE's office.

What else have I been doing with my free time? Working on becoming a crazy cat lady. I still only have the 2 kittens, but now I talk to them and ABOUT them almost endlessly. J and I have become completely redundant. We must utter some version of the sentence, "Have you seen what Uggs/Ringo/they is(/are) doing right now?" Then we make up words to go with their actions and the thoughts we imagine them having. Sad really.

So yeah, my period needs to show up within the next 24-36 hours to keep us on schedule with our donor egg cycle. If AF does show up in a timely way, I should have some embryos in my body in early/mid September. Can I actually be excited to start taking shots again?
.

My own tea cup

2009-07-13T11:47:00.002-05:00

I love old Zen fables and I was reminded of one this weekend. I had to recall the story of the overflowing tea cup as I spent some time in the "dog kennel room." (For those of you who might not know the story, I have copied a very short version at the bottom of the post.)

I have been calling our third bedroom "the dog kennel room" since March 17, 2008 when I resolutely stopped calling it the nursery. I was wholly unprepared to have a miscarriage and I handled it in my way which was to grieve intensely for a short time then to lock the whole thing away. Out of sight, out of mind... sort of. So the dog kennels were placed in front of the boxed up baby furniture we lovingly chose and I left the kennels there for well over a year. I also started piling things in that room. Need a place for clothing waiting to be taken to Good.will? The padded glider seems the perfect spot. Too lazy to put the Christmas decorations in the attic? I've got the perfect spot. And on and on my process continued until the room was hardly recognizable as the room I once held in such high regard. I also kept the door closed. all.the.time. The metaphor is almost silly but it is so true.

However, this weekend I had to venture into the closet of the 3rd bedroom to find the ceiling paint and I had the "aha" moment. The room no longer holds overwhelming emotion for me. So I decided that I needed to make some space so that something new can fill it (namely a baby). I began cleaning. Decorations went into the attic. Trash was bagged up. Gently used items were offered new homes. I vacuumed and dusted and I hummed a happy song. The space feels lighter and I feel more free. I am even planning to paint with the lovely classic po.oh colors I chose long ago. The door is thrown open. Okay baby(ies), physically and emotionally, I am ready for you now!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - -

A Cup of Tea
Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era, received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen.
Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full, and then kept on pouring.
The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. “It is overfull. No more will go in!”
“Like this cup,” Nan-in said, “you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”

Confession

2009-07-09T21:58:00.010-05:00

Uggs (cat in the painting tray) said that he needed a friend. I was feeling so happy after yesterday that I went and got Uggs's brother. Meet Ringo (white face). They were happy to be re-united so they bit one another's legs, played chase and found a bag to play with. Ringo is super sweet and his little kitty motor runs all the time.

Reserved some eggs today!

2009-07-08T20:03:00.003-05:00

Today J and I went to the Big Business Fertility Clinic and we were able to choose our egg donor! Yay. It feels as though we are finally on the road to having a baby. What is this strange pleasant feeling infusing my system: could it be fertility related optimism? Holy cow, I think it is!

So the story of the day goes like this. J and I met with *Amy* the egg donor lady. We signed a ton of forms. She let us look at 6 egg donor profiles we could choose from. She explained the egg donor process. She tried to send us home to think about our donor choice. We said, "Not so much. We will be making a choice and getting this ball rolling TODAY." She laughed and we made our choice. Our egg donor is 22 years old and she has 2 children. She is something of a rock star egg producer. She is tall with red hair and green eyes. I love our choice! The mixture of our sperm donor (dark hair and eyes) with our egg donor will be the most like J and I could have created together. I also love that we will likely get 8 eggs from the donor. They will transfer 2 embryos to me. Here's a really fun part: if we have more good embryos left over, they will be frozen for later use! I am not holding my breath for enough embies for an FET but it does sound like good news.

Then we were whisked away to the nurse who will actually work with our cycle. She is very nice and knowledgeable. She talked with us about what the schedule will look like. BCP followed by Lupron and Estradiol, lining checks, 3 day transfer and progesterone injections. I know it sounds like alot but I just kept thinking how much easier this will be than a full IVF cycle. It looks like we will bring our embryos home (inside me) at the end of August!!!!

Last stop: the check out desk for another bill. Cost of today's talks and scheduling, $140. Cost of getting us a baby: priceless.

meme pictures

2009-07-06T20:55:00.007-05:00

These go with the last post but I am not cool enough to make the pictures and the text go in the same post in a reasonable configuration.

Top left to bottom: 1) Our new kitten Uggs 2) my tomato garden 3) some of my little green tomatoes 4) the fence J and I built all by ourselves 5) J walking the little dogs in the field next to our house. I love this picture as I took it one morning when J did not even know I was there. I was so touched by the beauty of this sight.

7 things

2009-07-06T17:02:00.006-05:00

I have been tagged by An Offering of Love and Insert Metaphor. Thanks ladies!

For the Kreativ Blogger Award the rules of acceptance are simple: list seven things you love and then pass the award to seven blogs you love.

7 things I love:

1) My partner in life- J. I adore the way she looks at me like I am perfect when I am so far from it. She is also just generally a fun person!

2) Our house- we have worked and toiled away to make this our home. It's my happy place.

3) My garden- growing things is fun

4) People, places, books and movies that feed my head and inspire me.

5) My pets (which reminds me that we got a kitten)

6) Spring and Fall- I love the promises that both seasons hold. There is an indescribable quality to the air.

7) taking pictures-- it sparks my imagination.

Grade A eggs

2009-06-30T11:38:00.005-05:00

I need a few good eggs. I am talking high quality specimens from a young baby-maker. Preferably, I would like about 10 eggs much like the one pictured to the left. This is just a visual reminder I found online, not an egg from my own ovaries. If it were my egg, it would be grainy and poor quality. But that is all okay now because J and I finally get an actual appointment with the egg lady "Amy" and the calendar lady"Jennifer" !! I am taking this step as a nice milestone since the clinic only let us have brief, entry level talks with Amy before (though expensive).

One week from tomorrow, J and I get to go to the big business clinic, talk cycle dates and look at donor profiles. If one suits us, then we get things rolling. Honestly 'healthy' is our only criteria at this point so I am thinking that we will pick out someone. J is just certain that all the clinic will have available is red-headed donors. She is a natural red and was teased unmercifully as a child. I, on the other hand, would LOVE a little red-headed baby.... or brunette, or blond, or whatever. I might burst from excitement. I am also sure that my fertile young friends will now be glad that I have some eggs on the way (potentially) so I can stop harassing them and offering money for their eggs. This is not even a joke.

And a little update: J called our pal the financial lady at the BB fertility clinic. Remember my earlier posted fears that we would get on the list then the super-low introductory price of donor eggs would end? Well that happened: the price has jumped to 3x the price we were quoted, as the pilot program has shown excellent success. The good news? We are the last couple on the list still being given the bargain basement pricing! That goodness, because after 3 IVF's our ability to creatively finance baby-making is rapidly nearing a close. Dare I say that something in the reproductive area seems to be working inour favor?

Emotional rollercoaster

2009-06-29T13:17:00.006-05:00

I seem to be a bit emotionally erratic of late. The good news is that much of what I am feeling is actually pretty happy. Here's the rundown from this past week.

VERY SAD: Guess who should NOT write quizzes on the day AF unexpectedly rears her emotionally-charged head? yep, the last post was written mere moments before my period started... that explains alot!
JUST EMOTIONAL: J looked at me last night, laughing and said, "Who ARE you and what have you done with the Real Cindy?" I was crying as I watched people get married in a movie I have seen no less than 7 times. I also agreed to take a kitten a friend has. I think IF has finally sent me over the brink.
UNEXPECTED OPTIMISM: Today I saw my GYN for a 6 month follow-up after my yearly exam. I was making an appointment for 4 months from now (which he requires when women are taking Clomid) and I had the thought, " I won't be keeping this appointment, since I will be pregnant by then." How about that? I haven't actually imagined myself as a pregnant person in a very long time.
NERVES OF STEEL: I did not get weird about all the pregnant bellies surrounding me at the doctor's office today.
ZEN-LIKE CALM: I have not been freaking out about when the fertility clinic will call and whether our turn really is this month or not. I have a quiet certainty that we will get some eggs this month or next month.

Quiz time

2009-06-25T18:00:00.002-05:00

Okay, what's the best and quickest ways to throw a frustrated infertile TTCer into a dark funk?

a. announce your "accidental" pregnancy
b. attend a baby shower
c. go buy a present for previously mentioned baby shower
d. optimistically make comments like "I know we'll be doing this for you soon."
e. all the above

Yes, all the above happened to me today. I drove to a co-worker's baby shower for which I was supposed to have made the cake (no way! no how!). I picked up the pre-ordered cake and bought 3 of the cutest newborn outfits you have ever seen. I wrapped them in beautiful paper. I got to the shower and held the most precious newborn baby boy I have seen in years. Not kidding, he is beautiful. Another coworker mentioned that she is pregnant accidentally (f-----). I dressed really nice and smiled alot, hoping to avoid the pity of my coworkers. It didn't work. They tried to be supportive and ask about our TTC efforts. Then they made the comment about having a shower for me soon. My answer, "Oh we'll see, but that sounds nice."

I thought I was fine until the drive home. My mood is foul and I am not good company for anyone tonight. When will this part end? I am ready for something new.

ambivalence

2009-06-24T09:05:00.005-05:00

I am having a really tough time blogging lately. I am not sure why but I am guessing that I am having too many mixed emotions. The strange thing is that when I am nowhere near a computer, I think of things to blog about all the time.

So we met with Potential donor man. He was as nice as I recall and is very willing to be helpful. He is pretty hippy-ish. He has done this before and knows the drill. He got all his testing done (we paid) and we got a contract together. He signed and last night was the first insem with J. It all fell into place easily which I usually trust as a good sign. This time, not so much. I am just left with this weird inner icky feeling. I can't decide if I DON'T trust the known donor thing because it's too easy: if I am so attached to the donor egg thing that another path feels wrong: if I am just grossed out at how very close I am now to a rather random man's "essence": or some other things I can't put into words yet? I had to laugh at Olive's suggestion that our home insem attempts as we wait for donor eggs was a version of the "maybe if you just relax" idea. It felt like that to me but now that I am actually living this path, I am finding that the silly fun feeling about it is gone.

Oh, and I have called *amy* (head frozen donor egg lady) TWICE this week to find out our current place on the waiting list. She has not called me back yet. I only ask this question once a month, surely she does not find that frequency too pushy? UPDATE: Amy is on vacation this week. Kelly called me back. I cannot recall exactly who she is: embryo lady? overall coordinator? She said that we are FIRST on her list. Yippee!! She said that she has to talk with Amy on Monday and that the whole team will be staffing cases at the start of the week. She said she will call me Monday evening or Tuesday. She also said something about putting together profiles for us to choose from. I am so freaking excited I can't contain myself.

Impatient much?

2009-06-15T18:35:00.005-05:00

In my real life, I am pretty focused and patient. BUT in my TTC life, I am a crazed maniac, which opens J and I up to a host of interesting possibilities. Enter our newest waiting-time adventure: we are in the negotiation stage with another known donor. In my mind, the donor eggs are still the sure bet but wouldn't it be amazing for J to end up pregnant with a few home imsem attempts?!! At least at home attempts will not cost us $1000 per month (donor material + monitoring + IUI = $1K).

How this all came into being: a friend of a friend mentioned that he had donated to some other lesbians in the past which resulted in an actual child. New sorta-known donor is quite laid back. He would like to be a part of the child's life in an uncle capacity and thus far he has expressed a willingness to sign over all his rights. (We have a large known-donor contract just for such occasions- which seem to occur with odd frequency.) He is gay but celibate and willing to do all the testing to put our minds at ease. This is an odd situation. We have dinner scheduled with Mr Potential tomorrow night to discuss in more detail. I'll keep you posted.

I used to be a nice person

2009-06-10T06:48:00.002-05:00

....but infertility has changed all that.

I got an email from a dear friend on Monday. She and I have been close pals since graduate school circa 1995. She is a couple of years older than I am and she and her partner have begun TTC. They are really early in this thing and are wayyyyyyy too optimistic about how it all will work. I have advocated for the use of some fertility drugs but have otherwise kept my inner Debbie Downer hidden. Back to the email. It was very short. She asked about J and I and the TTC efforts. She said nothing about herself. She and I have not talked in a few months. I responded to the email in an upbeat way and asked about her efforts. Internally I was seething with anger. I had decided that her short email was a means of feeling us out before she told us that she is pregnant on the first attempt. I. was. really. mad. I just knew she had skipped her turn and jumped to the head of the TTC line. I just knew she was now knocked up while I am still waiting for some freaking donor eggs after years of wishing, wanting, praying, tears and trying.

Then I received her response email.

She was just thinking of us. She may try her first insemination this month depending upon the timing. She is excited.

I am bad. Have I sunk so low that I am wishing infertility upon my friends? My friend (A) is a wonderful person and she will be a great parent. I want her to get pregnant. But still, my first response was not something I am proud of myself for feeling. Ick, I need to shower now.

a new low

2009-06-09T06:49:00.002-05:00

A variety of factors have converged to reduce my current quality of life. My uber long hours at work, keeping up with the outside tasks and J doing research over the summer have brought us to new depths of take-out food. Last night, I had to run the dishwasher when it was not even remotely full (no full-sized plates!) because we had run out of forks. Not a single clean fork in our whole kitchen and only 3 clean soup spoons! The dishwasher was run and J cooked a quick meal in celebration. At least we were both wearing clean underwear. :)

new toys

2009-06-04T19:52:00.003-05:00

No news on the TTC front. J and I are waiting for donor eggs and periodically talking over our options. We are hopeful that we will get good news about some young eggs before the end of summer. We wish that we could do IVF for J with donation to me but this option is very expensive and we just don't know if we can swing it financially. (My sad little $2000 IF coverage for the year is used up and J has none.) We are also considering another round or 2 of IUIs. I just wish we had an answer about what path is best. Of course we don't so we are focusing on other things.

We garden and we buy things. Historically I have been committed to using as few gas-powered implements as possible in my desire to be green. However this week it became clear that my long hours at work are making us lose the battle against weeds in the yard, garden and flower beds. I broke down and bought a gas powered weed-eater, a small tiller and a rechargeable thing that pulls weeds. So if you happen to drive by my house, I am the crazy woman with all the lawn implements who is trying to squeeze 3 hours of daily tasks into a 1 hour space. The new toys are helpful and speedy but they seriously impede my zen. I cannot hear the gardens talk to me over the roar of the engines. ;) I suppose it's all about compromises.

After I bought all my goodies, J decided that she deserved a new I-phone. I am officially jealous. Her toy is better than mine!

And I have included a new pic of J on a day when we were planting things and caging the tomatoes.

Ode to Prop 8

2009-05-29T17:16:00.001-05:00

I ran across this video today. For those of you who haven't seen it yet, it is totally worth watching!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXPcBI4CJc8

Just not feeling it

2009-05-28T17:01:00.003-05:00

J called yesterday and the clinic said that the lovely Brazilian eggs have gone to another couple. We are so disappointed. I am not all that surprised but still...

Amy, the egg lady, said that we are now 4th on the overall list. I guess people who only want blonds are back on the list for the next go-round. So the good news is that our relative position has moved from 5th to 4th. But the bad news is that we still have longer to wait. J has all sorts of conspiracy theories but I think that we just have to wait longer.

Even as I write "just" wait longer, it feels too small a thing to say. I might as well say that we just need to count the grains of sand along the coast of Florida or say that we should just create world peace or that I should just run a marathon. This task is no longer small. It is enormous and overwhelming. I feel as though we have been waiting an eternity. In fact I don't feel a real connection to having a baby growing inside me at all right now. I want to imagine myself as a glowing mother feeling her baby kick and flip inside, feeling giddy with excitement, feeling complete. But what I feel right now is tired and doubt-filled. Can this dream ever happen for us?

I don't want to end this post as such a downer but this is where I am today.... just freaking waiting some more. What do you think... should we just do an IVF with J's eggs and as the carrying partner?
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Coming out to mom

2009-05-25T20:15:00.003-05:00

Well sort of...

This weekend, J and I went to visit my parents. We had some very relaxed and pleasant days. Mom divided plants with me (a good thing with day lilies). We cooked tasty food and spent time with the whole family. We even drank excellent homemade margaritas.

Then at one point when we were alone, Mom fixed her gaze on me and said "So how are you doing really?" This was clearly a good time to come clean about the donor eggs if I ever planned to do so. My response: "Weeeellllll. much better now. We are moving in a bit of a new direction." I explained the whole donor egg thing and the process. Mom asked questions but mostly looked as though I was explaining that J and I plan to get married in matching Elvis costumes on Mars. She looked dumbstruck for several long moments then said "Well I support you no matter what you do." Then she launched into her newest theory that I did not get pregnant because the women in our family tend to go through early menopause. (This may sound cold but it is a serious step above telling me that it's "God's will.") She also compared the donor egg process to "adoption but better" (her words not mine!). She is trying to "get it," she really is. And I appreciate the effort, even as I shake my head and laugh.

Oh, and my cousin who is 1 year older than me had an announcement this weekend...... yep, she's pregnant. No money, unstable marriage, lack of career goals.... sigh, but still a good weekend.

on the mend

2009-05-22T17:39:00.003-05:00

Barney sends deep appreciation for your concern. He has been working on creating a nice dependence upon the pain meds we are giving him. He spends most of the day gorked out sleeping on the couch. He periodically walks slowly outside but the only time he moves with any speed is when we go get his pill bottles. Then he will pick up his head, shake a bit and run into the kitchen wagging his tail. He is CRAZY about gree.nies pill pockets. He loves them and stands staring expectantly at us until we serve up his medication fix. His is such a cute little addict. And we are crazy moms who feel guilty for not being able to protect him. So we dote on him. He gets lots of special treats and extra pets. I think he'll be just fine.

On a TTC note.... la la la... still waiting on donor eggs. The treatment team at the RE's office meets on Tuesday to make a final decision about where we are on the list. I will take prayers, positive vibes, baby dust, crossed fingers or any other helpful things you can send out into the universe.

Welcome ICLW

2009-05-21T13:49:00.004-05:00

As a fan of Martha, I would like to offer some tasty refreshments including a mint julep. Sadly those things do not translate well across the Internet. So I will just share a few things about my life and my journey up to now: facebook style.

Sexuality: lesbian (quasi-bi)
Relationship status: happily partnered for 6 years
Region: the south.... it is both awful and wonderful here
Children: Only the furry kind at this point
Efforts to have a child/ children: so many in the past 2 years
Fertility challenges: well, lack of sperm, grainy eggs, and unknown for my partner
IVF's: 3 failed thanks.
miscarriages: just one
IUI's: 5 failed for my partner
home inseminations: just 1 failure there
current plans: moving on to donor eggs
pessimistic: some days
angry: occasionally
optimistic: most days
how soon for the donor eggs? hopefully this summer

Thanks for stopping by. :)

Sorry this is a meager post. I was up half the night driving a dog to the emergency vet. Barney, the Beagle to the right, had a bit of a kerfuffle with a larger dog. Barney lost. He is fine but sore. He has stitches scattered all over his little body but we are lucky because he had no serious injuries. Now he is happily sleeping on pain meds. Last night, as I was driving to the vet's office, trying to stay calm, I felt like such a mother. I left the house sans make-up, sans socks, sans underwear and sans bra (which is not an option for me). I just knew I had to get my bloody little guy to the vet ASAP! Apparently, little dogs bleed alot even when nothing is terribly wrong. That's a $200 lesson but I would do it again to know that my buddy is okay.
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happy dance

2009-05-19T16:12:00.002-05:00

J called *Amy* (the egg donor coordinator) today and we got good news! Amy said that we are second and potentially first in line for donor eggs. Amy said that the available eggs are from a lovely, funny young woman of Brazilian descent with dark hair and eyes and golden skin.

My heart sings when I think about that. I think maybe just having any description makes the frozen egg babies more real. I am pretty sure that I would be just as excited about a Scandinavian artist egg donor. Or a red-headed flute player with cat allergies. Or, you get the picture.

J also apologized for calling and Amy replied that she knows people are really ready to use donor material when they are concerned enough to be advocates for themselves.

This could really happen... soon! And now I have to change *Amy's* sound in my head. She has been so kind and seems to be helping us out. No more snarky Amy sound., but what do I replace snarky with?

Honeysuckle thoughts

2009-05-13T18:19:00.004-05:00

As I got out of my car at work this morning I was stopped in my tracks by a smell. While normally smells that make me take notice are NOT a good way to start the day, the smell this morning was intoxicating. Honeysuckle! To me the smell of honeysuckle is the very embodiment of summer. It brings to mind images of sun, swimming, cookouts and falling in love. My response to the smell of honeysuckle is intense and visceral. It also makes me think of sex. The kind of sweet sex you have when you are in the I-am-so-freaking-in-love that my nerves may actually jump out of my body. Honeysuckle reminds me of that young love feeling when I felt as though I had to touch the object of my affection or I would simply die of love sickness. Innocent, fun love when we used to sneak away with a blanket, a bottle of wine and simply find a sunny secluded spot. These are lovely memories and a wonderful way to start the day.

The smell was so strong and sweet that I decided to take a few pictures as show-and-tell. So I retrieved my camera, hopped out of my car, put my face very near the blossoms, inhaled then actually focused and took some photos. I looked at the images on my camera screen and thought how beautiful the flowers look. Then I had to laugh. The honeysuckle grows in a messy cluster atop and through a defeated chain-length fence that stands in separation of my parking lot and nearby train tracks. The view from 1 step back is not so pretty. I decided to take a picture of that view as well but the picture does not do justice to the reality of the situation. Even the picture smooths away the rough edges. The picture certainly cannot convey the immensity of the noise from the trains and the unhappiness of the whole scene.

These pictures felt metaphoric to me. I think life is like this. When we zoom in, we can find wondrous beauty in everyday parts of life, which connects us with other fantastic memories from the past. But when we back up and look at the whole landscape while we are in the middle of it, our outlook is bleak. We see all the parts that need repair. It gets easy to focus on the icky parts and miss out on the small glimpses of lovely which we could give thanks for. Then when the period is passed and we look back though the filter of time, the edges are softened. We think, "Meh, that wasn't so bad. I remember that it smelled like honeysuckle." So today I am trying to focus on all my honeysuckle experiences and be very very grateful for THIS small moment. The whole picture gets too overwhelming, truth be told, and the edges are still sharp today. The irony is that I am projecting myself 5 years into the future (a time I hope will be filled with happiness and comfort) while trying to stay in the moment and be content with the now. I am telling myself that I will someday look back on this waiting time as a period of growth before we had our child. hopefully.

Namaste.
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Wrestling with WHY

2009-05-08T11:28:00.004-05:00

This post was almost called "Word from Methuselah" because I am feeling old... seriously old. So old that I don't know why I am even thinking that I could possibly be a mother. So old that people might someday stop me in the grocery store to ask me what my grandchild's name is: to which I will reply, "No this is MY child" and I won't even try to hide my irritation. And I have wrinkles around my eyes... many too many to be a mother. See the thought process? Then I read every one's updates today.... and I feel a bit better, lighter really. Dakota and Mulberry got a BFP! yay. And others in the over 35 crowd are also bearing fruit. So I have decided that I am old but not too old for mothering. Which brings me to my next thought process.... WHEN and more importantly WHY?

Why must we wait? Why is this my third mother's day without a child? Why is this so hard? Why do other people pop out children with so little effort? Why Why WHY.... honestly, I know that this whole line of thought is trite and I feel silly writing about it. But it is so what I am feeling right now: in fact, I woke up obsessing over the why question in the middle of the night last night. The why's are making me tired and logically, I know that there are no answers I will feel satisfied with.

Yesterday, J and I went to the Big Business Fertility Clinic to meet with Martha, the embryo lady. We are #8 on that list. Their success rates with FET cycles is above 40% and she thinks their embryo donation cycles are better. (??she thinks??) Our meeting with her was....fine. I think this might be the crux of my newest blue funk. I hoped that our consultation with her would leave me feeling buoyant and energized. Instead I left our time with that oh-another-meaningless-appointment feeling. We came, we talked, we paid: no more, no less. Martha said that she estimates that we may need to wait 4 months for a donor to come available. She described the process. She said that she will call when our number is up. I asked if I could call monthly for updates about our place in line. Martha seemed offended. I explained that we are anxious and have been at this a long time. She softened a little. How does this new clinic find people with no observable heart? Really?? Oh, and she suggested that the 3-4 month waiting period I am in would be a good time to finish losing 20 pounds.. heh.

Because no one would believe this otherwise...

2009-05-04T23:46:00.002-05:00

My latest fortune from dinner tonight. :) I can't decide if my lucky star is shining now or will be shining on this date in 3 months. Isn't it amazing how the cookies know just when they will be opened?!

Losing my mind

2009-05-04T09:36:00.004-05:00

Oh how quickly the zen evaporates.
At first this semi-forced ttc break was good. I enjoyed hanging out with J and I liked the reduced pressure. Now I am restless. I want to DO something about growing our family. We are on the donor waiting lists... great, now what? I feel like calling *Amy" the egg lady every day to ask if we have moved up the list yet. But I doubt that is a good plan. J and I do have an appointment with the embryo lady later this week but that does not feel like enough. I feel like an addict looking for my next ttc fix. I think 2 years of perpetual pregnancy attempts have changed me in a bad way. I seem to be a constant multi-tasker now.

Welcome to my crazy brain:

"Maybe we could do some IUIs while we wait." Bad plan. J and I agreed that we would be able to save precious little money if we had to pay $1000 every month for sperm + IUI attempts. All of which have been unsuccessful, anyway.
"Our friend M agreed to donate if we need him to. We could do some free home insems." Really just let it go. My eggs are crap. Why would that work when IVF has not?
"Well we can't JUST SIT HERE." We can, we will and we must.

It's so odd. I am struggling with myself to just stay on this path which will likely work. However, my ID is impatient and wants to repeat useless things... insanity really. So I will try to just sit and breath.

My fortune

2009-04-30T08:29:00.002-05:00

I swear this is the fortune in my cookie at a Chinese restaurant yesterday.
"You will find happiness as you lose material wealth."

Seriously, isn't this the motto of anyone using ART?

Immaculate conception

2009-04-28T19:14:00.005-05:00

One of my favorite people said a fantastically ridiculous thing to me today.

Background: she knows about the extensive medical intervention my female partner and I have utilized in attempts to get pregnant. She is always beyond supportive. She ALMOST had to see a fertility specialist before she conceived her second child.

What she said: " You just need to relax and it will happen for you."
In my head: WHAT?!
My response: "Maybe that will help."

Que? J and I will diligently attempt to make a baby here at home this month, while we relax. But I am still thinking that our lack of sperm will persist in confounding our baby-making efforts. I also doubt that my grainy old eggs will be much help either.

Question: have any of you gotten pregnant without sperm? ;)

the cardinal of donor material.

2009-04-27T17:34:00.004-05:00

Today J and I went for a consultation with the therapist our RE told us to see. Apparently she has to give us her blessing to use donor material. I went to the appointment with more than a little hostility about the matter, though I am not 100% sure why that may be. In any case, the office space she shares was a total 70's shag carpet nightmare: totally reinforcing my sentiments that the lady would be a crackpot therapist. I also had a really strong urge to behave inappropriately in the waiting area. I imagined all sorts of compromising positions she could find J and I engaged in like poorly-manner teenagers.

Instead, we were greeted with a lovely, intuitive older woman. She shared a wealth of information about how donors are chosen, success rates, resources and etc. She asked us great questions and treated us with utmost respect. I ended the session wishing that this woman had been my real therapist when I needed one. For instance when I mentioned the miscarriage, this woman showed sympathy then said, "We really do a bad job of letting women know that about 1 in 3 pregnancies will end in miscarriage." She was so warm and understanding. She seemed to understand infertility and the issues surrounding it. I loved that she did not feel the need to help me "come to terms" with my experiences or infuse me with false hope.

But, I am hopeful again. I hope we move up the donor lists quickly and I hope that J and I can maintain the amount of fun we have been enjoying in the past few days. Seems like this forced break is removing some pressure and allowing us to remember that we are a couple who is in love, not just a couple with an insanely frustrating goal.

BTW: happy 100th post to me.

Socially engineered attractiveness

2009-04-23T12:47:00.004-05:00

We got to speak with *Amy* yesterday and it seems that J and I have a pretty good chance of having a short wait for donor eggs. Why? Because we are not picky! J has light eyes and strawberry blond hair, and I have dark hair and eyes. With this range of features, we could look like a "normal" family with a child of most any hair/eye coloring.

At first I was totally happy thinking about potentially moving up the donor list because other infertiles passed on eggs with the wrong physical features. But then I began to think that maybe I was being too accepting and perhaps J and I should care what our future (hopefully) child will look like. In the end, I decided that I just don't care. If we were adopting, we would not turn down a marginally-attractive child, and goodness knows that either J or I could have spat out an FLK (funny looking kid) from our own loins. What I do know is that the Big Business Fertility Clinic carefully screens egg donors and chooses the healthiest and most attractive (I am trying not to think about the implications there). Last conclusion, I don't think that J or I would have qualified to be egg donors back in our younger days. While no one has ever turned away from us in horror, no one has ever suggested that we should enter beauty pageants either. We may end up with a child that is wildly more attractive than her mothers! How 'bout that?

4rd Runner Up

2009-04-21T09:52:00.005-05:00

J called the fertility clinic today about a booster shot she needs to get today or tomorrow. You would not believe the difficulty she is having getting one. It would be easier for her to get a script for narcotics!

In any case, while she had the nurse on the phone J asked about staffing yesterday and whether we will get donor eggs. The nurse looked us up and we are 5th on the list. It seems that we are the "Miss Congeniality" of the donor egg world. We get to stand on the stage but we only get a tiny little paper crown. We also have to knock off several infertiles to "get us our baby." Good news is that the wait is only likely to be about 3 months or so. Bad news: we do not know if we will get to pay the uber-cheap price or the uber-expensive upcoming price. Apparently we have to talk to *Amy* about that and *Amy* is out today. For some reason I have a really mocking internal voice every time I say *Amy*. I should learn to be externally nice to her as she is the gatekeeper for my potential future child.

The nurse then suggested that we should consider donor embryos and we should set up a consultation appointment with Dr BB. I think J began to consider self-harm at that point. She had to explain that we did set up the consultation appointment: it was on Friday. The doctor was running and hour and a half behind schedule and did not remember us. Dr BB did talk about our options in a cursory manner and we paid $200 for that. The nurse had the good grace to sound embarrassed and said that she could set up a free phone consultation.

Today I find that I am laughing at the utter insanity in this whole process. The clinic that is most likely to help us get our hearts' greatest desires is also the least personable and approachable clinic we have ever used. They are completely competent and have great programs but they just seem so.... cold.

Monday updates

2009-04-20T19:14:00.002-05:00

Guess what very large fertility clinic did not call us today... well yes, that would be my fertility clinic! So we are still waiting to find out if we get some donor eggs. The financial lady did email. I swear she is the most personable and warm person in that entire practice. She said that she will give J and I a detailed estimate on using J's eggs for us both. She even said that she will try to figure the price in the least expensive way possible.

On a more positive note, J is up for an award that would provide us a few extra k's and she can also put some work online and will get a bonus for that as well.... she is so very industrious. All I can do is travel extra miles so that I get bigger mileage checks, which is pretty minimal really.

Also another nice thought, sort of. Today I walked through the waiting area of the place where I work, which is a rarity. The waiting area smelled like stale cigarettes and body odor. The children all looked sad and the parents looked irritated. It made me so thankful for my own comparatively happy childhood. It also reminded me that I live a life many of my clients cannot imagine attaining. J and I are so very far from wealthy but compared to many, we are blessed beyond measure.

No more plans

2009-04-19T08:17:00.005-05:00

I have been struggling with how to write this post because I realize that I am blogging such sadness and frustration lately.... for that matter I suppose I have been feeling sad and frustrated lately. This is just not who I am. I am engaging and active and funny and a good friend... all sorts of nice things, but I am not sure that most people can see that lately. I am in the TTC slump... the waiting place where nothing ever really happens. I have been thinking that J and I need to make a way to take our lives back from the Constant Disappointment Monster.

Edited paragraph: Today, Monday, is CD 1 for J so no luck with the IUI this month. Also we found out that the bank we use has been having problems with the exact prefix donor vials we used for this IUI. Remember that the lab lady did not check for swimmers. So I am thinking that J would have had the same chance of getting pg this month if we had just stayed home with a bottle of wine and some Marvib Gaye CD's.

On Friday we met with the Big Business Fertility Clinic. The RE (Dr BB) looked at my lady business (because that phrase makes me laugh) and said that she can't see any reason I am not getting pregnant. Nice, and the same thing that 3 other RE's have said before doing a cycle with me. However after seeing me actually cycle, they say that I am a poor responder and have poor egg quality. At this point, J's face is getting red (bad sign) because it is clear that Dr BB does not recall the options she and J talked about at J's last visit. With some prompting, we see the light bulb come on and the Dr starts talking about the options that might actually work. Donor embryos with a success rate of about 40% but significantly cheaper that a full IVF cycle, donor eggs from young women, with a success rate of 50-60% and still cheaper than a full IVF or using J's eggs for me, unknown success rate and most expensive option. Last option.... wait for it.... IUIs for me... really WTF?! 3 failed IVFs and several others REs saying that IUIs might work if we had years to do monthly IUIs. Really, my egg quality is not getting any better and I am not getting any younger. Even at best case scenario, 50% of my eggs are poor quality with my age, and history has shown that my eggs are not best case scenario. We say that we will bypass spending $1000 per month for IUIs indefinitely and will choose an option with better odds.

We chose to use donor eggs. We were filled with positive feelings about our choice. We chose to cycle next month as the donor egg program is only going to be cheap for about another month or 2 because they are trying to show good success then will increase the price to a more "competitive range." We left Dr BB's office laughing and talking about how this would all work and how we could move money around to make the cycle work so quickly. Then the RE's office called to say not to get the blood work because they are low on donor eggs. They will staff our case Monday and let us know. J and I were so overwhelmed and sad at this point. We were going in a direction that felt like success only to have the rug pulled out from under us, again.

So now we wait. We wait to see what the staffing finds. If they won't give us donor eggs, we are not doing donor embryos--- not good enough success there as the embryos are from all aged women. We will likely do an IVF cycle with J and use her eggs for both of us. Expensive and we will need to save for a few months. Perhaps we could do that cycle in August. Maybe, sort of, we'll see. No plans: I just cannot kid myself that I have any real control over this baby-making situation.

See another entry ends in sadness and frustration. This is not the story I want to write about my life.

More dumb things people say

2009-04-15T23:56:00.002-05:00

I think most TTCers have experienced people who make seriously insensitive comments. I seem to store up the comments and ruminate about them.

This week, one of my employees was talking about how her grandson has gotten too old to hunt Easter eggs. So she pointedly said to me, "You need to hurry up and have a baby for us to hide eggs for." My response, " Well B, that's not going so well."

At my last therapy appointment (as in last ever with that woman), my therapist asked me if I could see my miscarriage for the blessing it is. I know her thought process here but I hardly see losing my only real chance at a biological child as a "blessing."

Not long ago my mom suggested that "We'll just have to see what God's will is" about my TTC efforts. In her WASPy way, she was implying that I am throwing away our money because God does not want J and I to have a child. Thanks Mom. I am all warm just feeling your complete support.

Lastly, I was speaking with an old friend. She asked about our baby making efforts and I told her. She said, "Have you ever thought about adoption?" My internal response, "Adoption? What's that? Never heard of it before! You mean that J and I can just get a newborn baby tomorrow without intense heartache? Well sign me up!" My external response, "Kinda."

My brain is tired

2009-04-14T13:22:00.004-05:00

There is a particular type of therapy I love to do. It is called Motivational Interviewing. With this approach, you talk with someone who has ambivalence about something (be that drug use, where to attend school, etc) and you do not advise the person: you simply ask questions and provide restatements of their ideas and feelings. Through this process the person can work through his/her own thoughts and make a decision. We do not give advice because when you give the "stop" advice the person is only left with one side of the argument, the "go" side. You see the idea.

So in soliciting advice, I had a feeling that I would be able to read every one's entirely logical thoughts and just "know" the path J and I should attempt. Well, thank you to everyone who humored me because we now have a plan I really like.

At J's next cycle (assuming this IUI is a bust), we will have her antral follicles checked. If she has a bunch, we will use her eggs. This idea makes my heart sing at carrying her child.

But, if she has a low antral follicle count, we will use the donor embryos. This idea makes me feel very happy also because we get 2 tries for the price of 1 (kind of) with younger eggs.

I am feeling quite calm about the whole thing. And J's RE's office called me today to schedule a time for me to see the doc also. Surprise, she has an opening on Friday. Things seem to be falling into place and that is such a nice change for us. I wonder if we will change our minds again after consulting with the RE? Ah, *shrug* same same.

What would you do?

2009-04-13T15:24:00.004-05:00

Assuming that this IUI does not work, we have a big decision to make. I really want every one's input here since J and I keep going back and forth.

2 potential solutions to having a baby: 1) J does IVF then gives me (and maybe herself) some embryos to carry around 2) We use donor embryos.

Here are my thoughts:

J is 36 so her eggs are not totally fresh.
I got pregnant on IVF #1 then nothing in IVF #s 2 and 3. So although there are no obvious issues with my luteal phase, we have no guarantees that I will get preggers.
We could use 2 donor embryo attempts for the cost of using J's embys in one or both of us.
While I would love to carry J's baby, we are not utterly tied to the baby sharing our genetics.

The issues are confusing for me. Each path has its own set of good and bad points. When I make my list of pros and cons, I end up more confused rather than less so.

Best case scenario would be that J gets pregnant with this IUI then I could use donor eggs... best of both worlds but I have no control over her uterus. Thus I am in my current quandary.

Last night I was cleaning out my closet and I found the maternity clothes I bought back in the day. Most still had the tags on them. As I folded them, I had to decide where they should go: attic, Goodwill, stay in closet? I was overcome by a wave of sadness. I really want to have a baby so I am discarding most solutions that remove me completely from the picture. I neatly folded my clothes (along with my hopes) and stored them in my bottom dresser drawer.

So, your thoughts? Feel free to be completely honest.

Our state of affairs

2009-04-10T07:45:00.004-05:00

All is quiet on the southern front. J and I are oddly calm.

We are not yet obsessing about present or absent eps and have not talked much about the IUI since it was done.
J has some outside reviewers at her job this week and they have been very complimentary, especially of my J. (I am so proud!)
Our local RE did call us back and they will let us use J's eggs in both of us (and not for the price of 2 full IVF cycles). Our plan would be 1 for her and 2 for me. (yay!)
Our local RE (who I need to name) also talked about us using donor eggs or donor embryos... younger women who have donated younger eggs. We are open to that thought and it may even be less expensive.
We may have some decisions to make but I am still holding out hope for J's cycle this time.
I read a journal article that suggested lesbians using IUIs who did not conceive after 6 attempts should use more aggressive TTC efforts. So....
My plan for J is to move to injectables for the next IUI if this one does not work. Enough playing around. Either an IUI has to work within 2 cycles or we are on to IVF/donor/whatever.
I have gotten serious about getting rid of my 20 fertility pounds. I am doing the South Beach thing and it is going very well. (This may be part of my calm since I have a focus in addition to TTC.) Who knows I may even end up at my college weight?
My major accomplishment? I have not cried in my office in over a week! I am feeling like a champ since yesterday my team staffed a particularly disturbing case of parental drug use and neglect of a three-year-old. This sort of thing usually sends me over the edge.

So no earth-shattering news yet but we are happily plugging along.

I'm not so sure

2009-04-06T01:34:00.003-05:00

The doc did, indeed, meet us on Saturday; and he did, in fact, do an IUI. BUT we are feeling pretty doubtful about this month's attempt.

The IUI either had to be early (Saturday) or too late (Monday). Hopefully we hit somewhere near ovulation.
The tech at the clinic did not test the sample. We asked the counts after the syringe was all filled and she said, "oh they are pretty much guaranteed to be fine." (We all have stories about empty vials.)
Dr young and cute had serious difficulty hitting the mark. He eventually had to do the grabbing J's cervix thing. Seriously the process took about 5 minutes-- we all know that is way too long for an IUI.
J has been crampy and bleeding ever since the procedure.

Next attempt we will be using our new RE-- after we go to counseling about having to use a sperm donor. (???) The RE said that it is a law that couples must have counseling and a statement from a psychologist before donor anything can be used. This is one of the times when it feels as though we are banging our heads against a brick wall.

Please tell me that we will actually walk away from all these frustrations and disappointments with an actual child. Sometimes it feels as though all the fertility treatments, drugs and time we invest are not heading toward any real outcome but have simply become our intensely masochistic hobby.

J is feeling quite discouraged and I am learning the art of being the cheerleader. I make a mean batch of rice krispy treats as comfort food and I even suffer through action movies.

If you blog it, he will come (updated)

2009-04-04T08:50:00.004-05:00

9 AM more frustrations....really?!

This morning started out so well. J had the new donor sp.erm delivered to the doctor yesterday and spoke with the nurse to double check that they do IUIs over the weekend. We get up this morning, and J has a lovely surge showing up on the OPK. We call the doctor's office and get the answering service: our doc is not on call this weekend. The on-call doc calls us back shortly and screeeeech! The good day comes to a halt. On-call doc says that they do not normally do IUIs over the weekend but that he would see if he could get some techs to go to work and would call us back. We have been waiting for over 30 minutes and our anxiety is rising to a fever pitch. It's not even like we can just run to the doc's office and pick up our sperm... it's being held hostage. If we have to wait until MOnday to do the IUI, J will have ovulated and that will be about $1000 and another month down the drain. Gar, urrrrr, arg, sh*t, F*ck and etc!

9:30 happy dancing

The on-call doc spoke with our regular doc and he WILL see us today!!! yippee! I think our doc shared the sad story of 3 failed IVFs and 4 failed insemination attempts in the last year. The doc said he will meet us in 2 hours and he was so much nicer on call #2. Apparently he also heard that my TTC posse was gathering... :)

a near miss

2009-03-31T14:43:00.006-05:00

J is so wonderfully diligent. She called the spe.rm bank with our new choices then narrowed them down by previous pregnancies and swimmer counts. Then she ordered pics of the 3 top choices. She also talked to someone who actually works at the bank about the men's characteristics. She is the champ at organization and getting the best. So after all was said and done, potential baby daddy #3 turned out to be choice #1 after looking at the photos. In retrospect, I will say that photos are more important than I initially thought. Let me just give you an image of one potential.... think of someone you would not want to meet in a dark alley (include questionable grooming)... that was almost the donor we chose. After seeing all the photos, we have a very clean cut, handsome baby daddy.... he also has several children from his donations. Swim buddies swim!

Lather, rinse and repeat

2009-03-30T10:59:00.002-05:00

It was a cold and stormy weekend so J and I spent most of our time hiding indoors.
Our project? Choosing a new sp.erm donor.
Yep, we had to choose a donor with a different set of characteristics since J is our carrying partner. It was an odd moment with lots of sad overtones for me. We first completed this process almost 2 years ago and we were giddy as we read about each man. We liked donor A because he was artistic but donor B must be smart to get an SAT score that high, etc. We laughed. We dreamed. We were so certain that we would have a baby in no time flat. We were very concerned about the possibility of needing more specimen for our second child/ wanting them to have the same father.

This weekend, we were much more clinical. We narrowed the list down by height, eye-color and hair color. Then we ranked those choices based upon features and essays and such. We were not giddy but then again we weren't bitter either. The whole process reminded me of washing my hair. It's a task I don't mind but I also can't get too excited about. I just need the outcome.

So at the moment, J and I are hanging with IUIs for her. We have to do some serious saving for another shot at IVF with her eggs and my uterus. Honestly, it would be nice not to have to walk that path again so we are hoping the IUIs work. She is taking Fem.ara which seems to be better for luteal phase issues. We will have Mr X's genetic material sent at the end of this week and should have an insemination on Saturday or Monday (since our OBGYN is not open on Sundays). Good times.

The bigger they are...

2009-03-24T10:40:00.003-05:00

Yep, the harder they fall.

My poor strong J has fallen, cracked, melted down. It was a big one which I will spare the messiest of details about.

The short story is that I came home from work yesterday still in the happy zen place brought on by gardening and found J at her laptop creating spreadsheets (never a good sign). She had been making calls to various clinics to see determine if 1) they will transfer J's embryos to me and 2) the cost of said procedure. What she found is that people in our area are making this request and question much too hard.
*Dr Gruff (my RE) said that he will not do this as it is like surrogacy which he does not do. *Dr Good Clinic (far away) will do the procedure, will transfer embryos to both of us at the same time or through an FET for a cost of about $14,000 + meds.
*Dr New Clinic (J's RE) is giving her the run around about whether they will do what we want and tried to quote a price for 2 IVF cycles. This did not fly well as giving embryos to me is really just a transfer plus some FDA-required tests.
Generally most clinics in our area seem to be treating us with a "poor silly lesbians" attitude which equates us with children rather than the highly educated women we are.

Oh, and J's known donor is totally backing out so we can add in monthly sperm costs on top of IUI costs.

J's comment: "I would just like to catch a single f*ing break! Just one!"
My response: "Wanna go pull some weeds?"

She did and we did. I never cease to be amazed how one of us is strong when the other is weak.

It would be really nice if an IUI would work soon.
.

Lessons from my gardens

2009-03-23T10:55:00.003-05:00

Me: I am tired and sad. I think I'll stay in the house this weekend and gain some acceptance.

Gardens: Sure no problem. You stay in there and think esoterically. We'll be out here doing our jobs. We'll grow clover and crabgrass in places you intended to grow tomatoes and peppers. The callas are planning a coup d'etat into the territories of the day lilies and peonies. The birds are building nests in the bridal wreath bush and the roses are planning to grow into a tall tangle of brambles. We'll be fine without you.

Me: I hear you. I'll dig out my garden gloves and tools. I'll be out shortly.

I love growing things. I love digging in the flower beds and finding places where the peonies I though I completely transplanted are coming back up because I must have left a single bulb behind.
I loves that the callas always want to take over the whole bed so that I am forever having to hack off a huge piece of their root system. The callas do not mind such rough treatment. The original patch continues to spread and any rootling I plant immediately takes hold and grows as well.
I even love that I have to use the loud, heavy rototiller to turn up soil where I plant my vegetables. I throw out lime and fertilizer onto the rich, dark soil then have to repeat the process again within the next week.

To me the point of growing things is to enjoy nature's resiliency and tenacity (as well as pretty flowers and fresh veggies). Watching how my yard and gardens constantly seek to thrive even in the face of challenges (be they Japanese Beetles or blight) makes me realize how small we all are. And how little good it does me to lament my 3 failed IVF's.... I imagine that my garden says to me: "Failed 3 times, what's the big deal? You face scorching heat, bugs, disease and frost in a single season, THEN we'll talk."

So I dig in the dirt and feel better.

Illumination

2009-03-20T09:40:00.003-05:00

I have had a few epiphanies of late.

Last night I was talking with Dr Helpful who mostly "gets" infertility but I do not think she has experienced it herself (so sometimes she loses the path). I was talking about my feelings about leaving IVF behind and letting go of most of my fantasies about having a child with my own eggs. She sat across from me with her earnest, innocent face filled with determination that I can succeed at IVF. I can tell that she really wants me to be able to have MY baby, to fulfill MY dreams. What she cannot fathom is how it feels to have multiple failed cycles, to struggle to squeeze IVF funds from the budget 3 times (and potentially another), and to experience the repeated ups and downs that go with failed cycles. Dr Helpful said that she still has hopes for me and she suggested that I needed a better clinic with a better success rate. I took the information she shared but I came to the solid resolve that I will never do IVF again. I felt sad about that.

I went home and looked up the clinic she suggested. It is far away but has excellent success rates. The clinic's site also shared a ton of information. The way they present their results is by breaking down success by age and grouping. The groupings correspond to the difficulty of a woman's reproductive issues. I fall into the most difficult group (3 failed IVF's, low antral follicle count and less that 8 eggs retrieved per cycle). The success rate for my group and age is 19%! Obviously that is a totally sucky probability for such an expensive procedure. I felt complete peace and relief wash over me. I now know that IVF is not for me and I really should not have tried #3. No regrets, no doubts, I have done what I can do.

Next steps:
1) J will be our primary reproductive hope. She will do IUI's from now until the summer.
2) If we have not succeeded by the end of summer, J will do IVF.
3) If we have frosties from J's IVF, I will try to carry those. :)
4) In the meantime I will lose the lingering 20 pounds and try 2 IUI cycles with Clo.mid, which has shown good results for women with PCOS. (I know this one is a long shot but for some reason I need to try.)

I feel better. My heart is lighter and more free. Hope is in the house. I had to relinquish a piece of myself that cost me dearly. But I think the payoff will make the letting go worthwhile.