Tread carefully, there be sharks in these waters!
So I want to begin with a heart-felt thank you all of you who commented or emailed me this week. Every word was like a lifeline and while I hardly feel as though I have the words for a post I want to let you know that I have not done a swan dive from a bridge. Also, I really do plan to email all of you back: hopefully I can stop wearing this damn albatross around my neck (which is really weighing me down). Every footstep feels heavy and gravity is not my friend. I find myself feeling the need to sit and stare into space at every opportunity. For instance, right now I am blogging as I left a half-completed pan of twice-baked potatoes waiting for their filling. Meh.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I hardly know the woman staring back at me. I look as tired as I feel. My body is bulkier than when I began TTC and my eyes don't convey a sense of mischief anymore. I don't even feel funny, and I think I used to be pretty funny. Not to mention that I have having some serious anger toward my physical self. I have a friend who is HIV+ and he always refers to his blood as poison (yes, he has issues). When I think about my own reproductive tract, I internally call it the "embryo terminator". I used to call it that aloud but J put a rapid end to that level of emotional flogging. Alas, gallows humor is not her thing.
After we got confirmation that this cycle was a bust, J and I briefly talked about giving up TTC then she had an insight that she doesn't even know if we could be who we were before we started trying. J wants to talk future plans. She wants to consider our options. She wants me to be okay. Mostly I just want to nap.
Also if another well-intended person in the non-TTC world says to me that a baby will happen for J and I "when the time is right," I am going to completely lose my mind. So I could have saved the 50 grand we have spent as well as all this emotional turmoil if I could be more tuned into when God and the universe are ready for us to conceive?! R.i.g.h.t
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14 comments:
This ttc process can be so dam hard. We gotta find the mischief in you again. Maybe it is time to pull some pranks or break some rules. Nothing that would put you in jail, but something to help you blow off some steam. Maybe put a farting cushion under someone's chair at work.
The worst things for a non-IF to say to an IF woman:
1) It takes only one Told to poor responders to IVF.
2) It'll happen when the time is right / If you just relax, it'll happen Shut up, shut up, shut up. How would you explain women who tried and tried and finally gave up due to age, money, whatever without a child?
3) You'll get your BFP one day, I know it And by your saying that, it'll happen? OK thanks, can you also say I'm going to win Lotto? Then I can pay for alot more IVFs and maybe you'll wind up being right by default.
4) Have you considered adoption? Yes, of course I have, dipshit. I have considered everything you could ever think of plus a million things your innocent fertile brain does not even know exists.
I'm sure there are a thousand more that I've blocked from my brain.
I totally understand having your current identity defined by TTC. It's who DH and I are. We were something else at some point - travellers, gastrophiles, funny. Now we're the people who just want a baby. We're trying to grab back a little bit of our identities, trying to plan a long weekend to London or Amsterdam and remember who we are outside of TTC. It's a tough hole out of which to climb but we're going to try.
Good luck to you.
It makes me sad to hear how lost and tragic you feel right now. But you're entitled. This was a sucker punch and you can't even punch back. I'm glad you have J to soothe and take care of you right now. I know the mischevious, funny, brilliant, sparkly-eyed Cindy is still in there. She's just mourning right now. And whatever you and J decide is between you guys...the hell with people(um, me too) trying to give you advice. And when someone tries to tell you to "relax and it will happen when the time is right" ask them which of you will grow a penis and sperm as a result of relaxation. Good grief. Love and hugs and peace to you both.
Grief is very very tiring. I found that out when my dad died and I had to nap endlessly and again when our first and only IVF bombed. I felt slowed down, blurry, unfocused ad tunnel visioned. It really hurts so bad and we all react a little differently, but losing something that is our hope and dream and destiny is horrible. How can people trivialize that by saying trite little things that just hurt? I got one of those relax and it'll happen stories from my dentist of all people! I really think they believe they are being helpful and trying to cheer you up, but they are so wrong. I am glad you didn't take that swan dive, and hope that you have the strength to get through this and find something you can believe in ( like a plan of some kind) on the other side((((((big hugs!))))))
I'd also like to add the things that the ones that have had a successful ivf like to spit out.
1) keep trying, it's worth it!!
2) quitters never win!
3) I felt like you, but I didnt' give up, and now look!
ugh. Unless you are staring this in the face (and I mean, many tries, out of cash etc) you can never know the horror. the loneliness. the sadness.
and I so remember looking in the mirror and wondering who the fuck that old miserable woman was staring back at me. the one with the dead eyes.
On the bright side, almost a year past the last ivf and I am finally starting to be a bit like me again. who I was before, well, she is dead. deader than a doornail. I will never have that innocence again. I will always know that I failed. I will never forget the hope, followed by crushing despair. but I am past it, I can still see it in my rear view mirror, but it's so small now.
Yes, I may put myself back there one more time, I dont' know yet. But seeing you suffering pain again, I am starting to think I'll just keep the distance between me and art growing. chances of 'one more cycle' working is slim. and it's been a lot of work to get here.
You will also get here. If you have to. I still wish a family for you two, so very much. You'd be awesome parents. and you deserve it. but we all know that amounts to nothing, no matter how deserving, no matter how great we'd be at it...we cannot beat fate. Or if not fate then nature. either sucks.
How I wish I had a magic wand. and I could wave it and all these wonderful, giving people would just become pregnant overnight. but alas, I do not.
I just have my experiences, and any love I can send the way of those that need it.
I'm really sorry cindy. I really am.
xoxoxo
This fucking sucks. It's not right. And I am so sorry.
p.s. I think the time is right for a little beat down on all of those stupid people spewing conception advice.
hugs, hugs, hugs.
Let me know if you need any team members for your beatdown posse.
Someone gave me the web address of a site for those IF who are more of a spiritual mind.For those who are it's a great help.
http://www.dancinguponbarrenland.com/index.html
Big hugs. I, too, am a fatter more exhausted, and less joyful version of myself these days .... xoxoxo
Maybe the next time someone says that to you you should respond "Well, you will die when the time is right too and I guess in both our cases I wish that time was right now".
xoxo to you dear one.
Not the news I was hoping for following my absence.
I have no words or wisdom, just tears.... Sorry will never be enough.
D
I wanted to add a comment said to me this week, following my first IVF cycle (failed). I had only 2, 3day embryos for transfer b/c of low ovarian reserve. So of course, we had nothing to freeze.
My co-worker, who knows about IVF since she had to cover for me every day I was gone, said "will you have to go through that retrieval again? can't they just take a whole bunch of eggs and freeze them for a later date?"
I am sorry this cycle didn't work for you either...
sending continued love and ((hugs)) your way. i am so sorry you are in this place right now, its f*cking unfair.
and if someone does make that comment to you, just put the word out and we will be there to kick some ass for you. seriously.
Unfortunately I have nothing witty or insightful to say. Just :::hugs::: and raise a little hell like a good Southern girl should.
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