Illumination

I have had a few epiphanies of late.

Last night I was talking with Dr Helpful who mostly "gets" infertility but I do not think she has experienced it herself (so sometimes she loses the path). I was talking about my feelings about leaving IVF behind and letting go of most of my fantasies about having a child with my own eggs. She sat across from me with her earnest, innocent face filled with determination that I can succeed at IVF. I can tell that she really wants me to be able to have MY baby, to fulfill MY dreams. What she cannot fathom is how it feels to have multiple failed cycles, to struggle to squeeze IVF funds from the budget 3 times (and potentially another), and to experience the repeated ups and downs that go with failed cycles. Dr Helpful said that she still has hopes for me and she suggested that I needed a better clinic with a better success rate. I took the information she shared but I came to the solid resolve that I will never do IVF again. I felt sad about that.

I went home and looked up the clinic she suggested. It is far away but has excellent success rates. The clinic's site also shared a ton of information. The way they present their results is by breaking down success by age and grouping. The groupings correspond to the difficulty of a woman's reproductive issues. I fall into the most difficult group (3 failed IVF's, low antral follicle count and less that 8 eggs retrieved per cycle). The success rate for my group and age is 19%! Obviously that is a totally sucky probability for such an expensive procedure. I felt complete peace and relief wash over me. I now know that IVF is not for me and I really should not have tried #3. No regrets, no doubts, I have done what I can do.

Next steps:
1) J will be our primary reproductive hope. She will do IUI's from now until the summer.
2) If we have not succeeded by the end of summer, J will do IVF.
3) If we have frosties from J's IVF, I will try to carry those. :)
4) In the meantime I will lose the lingering 20 pounds and try 2 IUI cycles with Clo.mid, which has shown good results for women with PCOS. (I know this one is a long shot but for some reason I need to try.)

I feel better. My heart is lighter and more free. Hope is in the house. I had to relinquish a piece of myself that cost me dearly. But I think the payoff will make the letting go worthwhile.

Ok..seriously

I cannot say enough "thank yous" for all the wonderful supportive comments you all have made in the past few days. Each comment helped my heart more than I can express.



Clearly I was going out of my mind so I had my doctor do a beta. The results show that I have no HCG in my body... none... zero... not pregnant, again.



Of course I am sad. I have to ask myself at this point if I will ever be able to have a biological child. Frankly I don't think so and I don't know what not having a child will do to my identity, who I always imagined that I would end up being. So I have an appointment with a therapist specializing in infertility issues, and I will see her tomorrow night.



My partner is more than willing to try to get pregnant but her confidence is also shaken after 3 failed IUIs (hers) and 3 failed IVFs (mine). We are going to hang out and rethink our plans for a while.



Lastly, we also just got word that HJ's department is on the list of "potential eliminations" at her place of employment. We will not know the outcome until March 20th. Yikes! Perhaps now is the time I will lose the extra pounds I have put on through my IVF triathlon.