Setting the record straight

Joey and I have returned home from our trip back home. I have thought about you all and the internet break has been odd. I could only even get a signal to my I.phone intermittently. Frustrating to say the least. So Merry Belated Christmas (Hannukah) to everyone.

So you may recall that Thanksgiving was dedicated to Joey's family this year; therefore, Christmas was dedicated to my family. You may also recall that I was less than flattering about her family while I described my own family in glowing terms. I think I should even things out a bit. The LONG visit with my family has allowed me to recall their issues. Hop on board and I will share some of my "favorite" moments from the holidays.

•  My mother asked me for input on dinner the first night we were there. I made several suggestions- not one of which did she use.
• My mother has no idea how to tell a story or indeed what an interesting/amusing story IS. At one point I considered jumping out of the car to escape her fascinating story about the recent community worship service. No no, she didn't talk about the message or the music. She recanted the name of each church who participated, listed their denominations, presented each person whom she saw and then recanted the SMALL TALK she had with people who were there.
• My parents get on an actual rant when they talk about all the many social programs their church offers the needy.... not flattering.
• My family are all republicans. Eeek.
• My father watches television at a volume only slightly quieter than a heavy metal concert.
• My mother sees no reason why she should not attempt to talk over the television noise.
• My mother has no idea how to show concern. As I was litterally doubled over with cramps at her house (yes, good times), she began an endless list of questions about my cycle. It was rather like the menstrual inquisition.

All that aside, we actually had quite a good time and Christmas is always fun. Some highlights include watching the entire family attempt to play the AC/DC drum set/ Rock.band game we gave my nephew for Christmas, enjoying a lovely meal with the entire family and just spending time with everyone. I am amazed and pleased to see how my neices and nephew are growing up. Not to mention some serious swag, Joey and I received. But I am oh, so glad to be home. In fact within an hour of walking in the door of our house, Joey and I had taken down the tree and returned to normal life. Ahhhh, can you hear the sweet sound of silence?

Yes, I also have been giving thought to my currently non-functional uterus. I go back and forth on that one. Some moments I find my zen then other times I just find the grief. Moment by moment, right? I am certain that a post on ths issue will form soon. But that is an issue for another day.

Oh, I wish I had a river

A real scene between my RE and I at my Friday consult;


Mumbling : “Huh, well that’s weird.”

Me, raising up onto elbows now, slightly alarmed: “Did you just say ‘that’s weird’?”

RE: “Well, yeah, I did.”

This is not a conversation I wanted to have as my Reproductive Specialist has the wand buried in my hoo-ha.

TMI alert: The RE then went on to explain (with a pertinent photo display) that she has not seen a lining as thick as mine is. Recall that I did not get suppressed the last time I cycled despite birth control pills and Lup.ron injections. Add to that what I did not share which is that the period after my 40+ day cycle was super light and the result is a lining that has been building up until it looks like a grapefruit is hanging out in my uterus, which I guess explains why I have been so moody and bloaty. So the RE gave me a script for Prover@ and is anticipating that I will have a cleansing of sorts in the next couple of weeks.

Which brings me to the next question some of you may be thinking: why did the RE do an ultrasound during a consult? Ah, yes. That is the money question. Another scene from the office:

RE, looking uncomfortable: “Cindy you have had several cycles, some with really good embryos.”
<>

Me, catching a clue: “Y-Y-Yes?”

RE: “Have you guys given any thought to Joey being the one who carries?”

A conversation about my mother having endometriosis and me potentially having undetectable endometriosis followed. She then suggested Joey and I give it some thought and almost without thinking, the RE suggested that she check my uterus, “just to see if anything is detectable.”

The answer is that NO with the grapefruit-lining, the RE could not detect anything related to whether I might or might not have endometriosis. She said she was going to spend some more time with my chart and get back to me. It is not a good thing to alarm your RE.

So yet again, I have dashed the hopes of another RE. My first RE said right away that IVF was my only option. I was not savvy then and I listened without question. (poor response followed by miscarriage) Next I had a consult with another RE, she said that she felt a few IUI’s might do the trick. I did not like her or her office so I chose my 2nd RE who also felt that I should be able to get pregnant pretty easily. He suggested IVF simply due to my age and to maximize my chances. He did 2 cycles, saw my response and egg quality issues and suggested donor embryos (2 BFNs). Now move to my newest RE, initially she said that perhaps we should try a few IUIs. I thanked her and talked about my pattern of poor stimulation followed by ever-diminishing egg quality. She agreed that donor eggs or embryos would be a good plan. (Another BFN) Flash forward, now she thinks that not only do I make poor eggs, but I also seem to be a bad incubator.

My head is telling me that my RE is right. We have been giving my body chance after chance to conceive and we still don’t have a baby after well-over 2 years of trying. We have also done 6 IUIs with Joey and she has done many at-home insems (I have stopped blogging about those hail Marys). Clearly, a new plan is called for. But I don’t want to change uteruses. I WANT TO HAVE OUR BABY. ME. I WANT.

I feel so incredibly selfish at this point: selfish and sad. I find that tears are never far away when I give our new plan some thought. I know that moving on to Joey’s uterus is the right thing to do and I will do the right thing and I will learn to get past this feeling. I will. I must. Honestly I am kind of kicking myself for even being sad. Other women would love to have their partner even be a carry option. Other families have to use a surrogate. I am hoping that I will get to a better calmer place soon because it seems that this is my new reality.

My apologies: sorry to be such a downer in the last 2 posts and I am sorry if I have now ruined grapefruit for anyone reading this entry.

Hope

I have been thinking about the word "hope" lately. We all hope that this one is the cycle. We comment to one another that we hope the hpt was wrong, that more follies grow, that the ultrasound will come out for the best, etc etc. Always hoping. I know that what we are really doing is looking for ways to keep ourselves going cycle after cycle and provide support and encouragement to one another. Honestly I am endless grateful to have all the support that this community has offered to me and I think that watching people endlessly root for one another is a moving experience..... But.that.word. is bugging me- "Hope."

Hope is the wish for something with the expectation of its fulfillment. Hope implies a level trust and confidence that things will eventually end with the result I have been hoping for. I just cannot say that I believe that anymore. I have seen good women turn and walk away from TTC because they could no longer face the hurt that came with monthly (or per cycle) let-downs. I have seen women put themselves into precarious financial situations all because they keep thinking that the next one will be the one that works. I have seen women lose their sense of direction because of the singular focus of TTC. I know. I am living this way too. When I think about all the hopeful cycling, it brings to mind compulsive gamblers--- always expecting the big one to be just around the corner. I don't mean to be a downer and I can't say that I am particularly sad right now. Perhaps I am simply pissed off at hope. I have been putting myself in her hands time and again and she always lets me down in the family-building arena.

I watched an episode of Friends a few days ago. Chandler and Monica were talking with the pregnant woman whose babies they adopted (prior to their birth). They were asking her about the potential fathers of the baby. One was a high school football star and the other was in prison for killing his father. Chandler's musing to Monica was something like "Of course the baby's father is the imprisoned father killer. It's us." That pretty much sums up how I am feeling about my chances of having a baby. Of course things won't go well--- It's us. Joey and Cindy don't get to have things easy in the baby-making area. And I know that Joey and I are not alone in the seriously frustrated category. A couple of years trying to make a baby while it seems that every teen drug user can get pregnent by heavy petting alone can leave a woman with serius jaded feelings.

So I am thinking that I will remove "hope" from my vocabulary for a while or perhaps I will just save its usage for times when it is appropriate. I will only use "hope" when I really do have a sense of expectation that things will go as I wish/ or others wish.

So here goes: I want to get pregnant and have a baby.
                        I desire for my next donor cycle to work.
                        I wish for a baby.
                        I yearn for my family to grow.

It's honest and that is pretty much the best I can ask for right now.

Good, bad and weird

Thanksgiving was all that I imagined it would be and.oh.so.much.more. Really the last week was utterly sucktastic! I have never been so happy to be home in all my life.

The Good
The cabin we rented was absolute heaven. Comfy beds, cute decorations, Egyptian cotton linens.
Joey's 2 year old nephew spent the night with us. He was a barrell of fun and such a love bug.
Joey's sister is fun.
Our trip there and back was safe.
We have good insurance.

The Bad
Pretty much everything else.
My clothes and hair smelled like cigarette smoke everytime we spent any time at a family member's house.
I do not enjoy eating Thanksgiving dinner in a less than clean house.
None of the food was like my mom makes.
Joey's nephew ended the evening by throwing up on me at 5:30 AM.
Joey's mom fell in the cabin floor, requiring an ER visit, a sling and serious meds.
Joey and her mom spending almost a week together non-stop = high stress.
Me being away from home and hormonal = low frustration tolerance.
The drive was supposed to take 8 hours but thanks to a well-placed rock slide and detour took 11 hours.
We hit a deer on the way home.

The Weird
The bio-mom did not meet with us so it is unlikely we will be adopting a sweet baby in February.
I did not see Aunt Flo until CD42.... seriously!!
No donor egg cycle for us until 2010.

Ahhhh, it's good to be home.

Kinda random

One of the things my program uses to help children and families identify their feelings is a magnet that says, "Today I am feeling" followed by faces depicting an emotion which is then named. Generally I like to choose Hysterical of Disgusted because the pictures look all googly-eyed and silly but I think if I try to find an honest emotion for today then I choose: Hopeful. Nothing is really going according to plan here and I am okay with that. Seriously, now that I have embraced my lack of control I feel as though I am along for the ride. I am observing my own life with a sense of peaceful detachment and just a little bit of bemusement at the absurdity of all this. So here is the scoop:

1. Aunt Flo has decided to take a long vacation in the Caribbean. She was scheduled to be here early this week but she has yet to even send a postcard. If she does not come visit tonight or early in the morning then I will not be cycling in December, which is what my gut tells me will be the case. Although I want to cycle, it is nice to remove some pressure from a Christmas BFP or BFN.
2. I bought some Christmas flotsam yesterday. My plan is to make the guest bathroom look like a holiday snowman farm exploded in there then I will move into other rooms in the house. Last year I avoided real decorations so I may have returned to a happy holiday place.
3. The adoption front is rather quiet. I have read all the TN adoption statutes, spoken with a lawyer, talked with homestudy agencies, investigated my work reimbursement ($2000) and now I am prepared to wait. While in the midst of trying to figure out how to make adoption happen in a quick timeframe, I was clearly very overwhelmed. But now that I have a grasp on what can happen and how, adoption does not seem anymore intimidating than TTC. If I had to figure out all the ins and outs of ART in a week, I would have also melted down. Even if this adoption opportunity does not pan out, I may be ready to jump into that pool soon.
4. We found out bio-mom now has 2 jobs. Good for her but potentially bad for us. Who knows? We will talk with her over Thanksgiving and see what her emotional state looks like then.
5. You ladies are the best! I got so much reassurance and good ideas for how to move forward with this situation if bio-mom agrees. Thank you all for sharing your adoption knowledge and general support. If possible, Joey and I are going to have bio-mom stay with us for a few weeks/month prior to her giving birth which will save us thousands in legal fees and will avoid the dreaded ICPC. Then we will put bio-mom up in a nice hotel for 2 weeks as we wait to finalize paperwork.

My only real life friend who reads this blog (Hi K!) sometimes expresses that she does not want to say the wrong thing to me. I always assure her that she can say ANYTHING to me without me getting offended, and this is true. So I have given some real thought to why I am so annoyed and hurt by trite phrases from other people. For me, I think it is about the other person's intent. If they are uncomfortable with my pain and want to shut me up quickly (although I rarely talk about this babyless business), my feelings are hurt by the banality of a response intended to shut down my lived experience. If the other person is trying to minimize my experience, I am also angry and annoyed. But if the listener actually listens and cares about my feelings, I can pretty much overlook remarks that are more offensive than the cliches. For instance, I have a friend who decided she wanted to get pregnant and did so on her 1st try. She listens endlessly to me and cares so deeply yet she cannot seem to hear me talk about my stupid old eggs without referencing her own abundant fertility. I know I should be upset with her but she does not intend to be insensitive. So finally this week when we spoke she said her normal thing and I responded, "Okay so when are you having a baby for me to adopt?? I am ready now." Unsurprisingly she stammered a bit. Let's hide and see if she mentions her fertility again. (he he)

And that is about it from here, except that I want to take a page from some of you ladies. Last year Olive sent out a little holiday gift to people who sent her their addresses. I though that was so sweet even though I was too shy to send my own address.  So gather round, email me your address if you would like a little holiday cheer from TN... don't get too excited, I cannot afford anything very large. But I would like to be able to send a little something to all of you who have been so good to me in this past crazy year. (Lurkers and recent joiners are welcome also.)

Besieged with information

Has anyone ever noticed that the challenges involved with building a family never seem to get any easier? At this point, I am not even complaining: just noticing a pattern. What would it even be like to decide I wanted a child, have a little afternoon delight and end up pregnant? Does that even happen? Do people really get kids that way anymore? I am so immersed in the lands of infertility and lesbi2n reproduction that I have utterly lost sight of how normal people have babies. To me the "old fashioned way" involves donor sp.erm, fertility drugs and at home inseminations. Damaged and slightly jaded.. who me?

But I have digressed from the original intent of this post. I was trying to talk about how very many layers of red tape are involved with potentially adopting Joey's psuedo relative's baby. Apparently, we need an attorney in TN and we need to find (and pay for) another attorney for the birth mother (in another state). We also need to find an agency willing to work with same gender couples (done), gather about 6 trees worth of paperwork and have a homestudy. Then the birth mother still has the option to back out at any time (which we knew). Then after the baby is born, we have to stay in that other state until the court gives us permission to return to TN. And, the current laws here require that only one of us can actually adopt the baby. Perhaps later we will be able to find another attorney and judge who will sign off on a "step-parent-type" adoption of the other mother. Not to mention that IVF is actually cheaper than all the costs we are looking at having to pay to adopt. (Of course that assumes that IVF works and we all know my track record in that arena.) Application fees, homestudy fees, 2x the legal fees, post placement visit fees, report fees and of course the general costs of actually preparing for a child. How do people do this?

So my newest task is to investigate potential funding streams. What good is it to be in social work if I can't occasionally use my skillset for personal gain? Happily some foundations exist that offer help with all the fees associated with adoption. I could go on and on about this area of research but suffice it to say that IF we get approved for a grant, the money will not arrive within the next few weeks. On and on this whirlwind goes and I am having something of a panic attack about the whole thing. So I am trying to remind myself that I am super-thankful that this young woman is even considering giving us her baby boy.

Confession time: I must admit my own folly. I have already started dreaming about "our son." We have a name picked out and I keep picturing what our curly-haired little man will look like. In my mind, our little bi-racial son will have big brown eyes and will smell like an angel. I can't seem to help myself so I imagine how it will feel to meet him, look at him and hold him for the first time. Note to self: you know better than to allow your heart to get remotely attached to this idea. I wish I could pretend to be smarter about this adoption idea but the heart wants what it wants.

And on to different matters,

• still no sign of AF. She now has less than 1 week to show up or our December cycle will be cancelled.
• my mother used one of those trite phrases that make us all crazy last night. As I was talking about my adoption fears, she actually said. "If God brought you to this, He will bring you through this." I know she meant well, I do. I don't think working through these adoption challenges will kill me so I know that I will get through this.....But just once, couldn't my mom say something like, "I am so sorry hon. How scary for you. What can I do to help?"

.

And the beat goes on

I had more b/w and an ultrasound this week. My E2 is coming down (187) and my lining is STILL excellent at 10.5. Of course these numbers are all wrong for suppression but meh. The nurse said that as long as I start my period by the 18th all will be well for us to have a December transfer. If I do not see AF by the 18th then we will miss the December window (since I need time for my lining to build) and the lab will close before I can complete my cycle. Worst case scenario is that I have to cycle in January, which at this point in my TTC history is not a very bad potential worst case. :) The good news is that my nurse said that I can stop the weekly blood draws and ultrasounds. Yippee! Because I have to say that I have been getting more action from the ultrasound tech than I have been getting at home. I feel like the tech should at least buy me dinner or ask about my interests.

In other news, Joey and I are visiting her home for Thanksgiving. I sooooo do not want to go but I have not seen them in over 2 years. What can I do, except paste on a smile and drive to see them? I just wrote an exceedingly honest description of her family then realized that such honesty on-line would be bad and erased it. Imagine this: if my family were described musically it would likely be some Jack Johnson song. Easy and laid back. If her family were described musically, think "Dueling Banjos" and all the connotations that go along with that. However, they are warm and accepting of me so I should learn to be happier about visiting.

But as part of our trip, Joey and I are meeting with a young pregnant pseudo-relative who is considering adoption. There are many many crazy factors and family pressures surrounding this young woman that are helping her think that she is not ready to raise a child- the details of which I will share in a protected post after we meet with her if things appear as though they will pan out. I can say that the girl is almost 6 months pregnant with a son and she is considering giving her baby to Joey and I. We know better than to get really attached to this idea right now because there are way too many "ifs" surrounding the whole situation, but maybe.

I have this little glimmer of hope that we could have a baby in our house in February and that thought is utterly intoxicating. Joey has always wanted to adopt and I have always wanted to carry a baby. So here is the happiest dream ever: what if within the next few months, we both got our hearts' desires? What if we have not 1 but 2 babies in our home by the end of 2010? I cannot imagine how my heart could contain such joy.

And now I am back to reality: one step at a time. Suppression, period, transfer, pregancy test and talk, home study, waiting, lawyers. All maybes.