Oh, I wish I had a river

A real scene between my RE and I at my Friday consult;


Mumbling : “Huh, well that’s weird.”

Me, raising up onto elbows now, slightly alarmed: “Did you just say ‘that’s weird’?”

RE: “Well, yeah, I did.”

This is not a conversation I wanted to have as my Reproductive Specialist has the wand buried in my hoo-ha.

TMI alert: The RE then went on to explain (with a pertinent photo display) that she has not seen a lining as thick as mine is. Recall that I did not get suppressed the last time I cycled despite birth control pills and Lup.ron injections. Add to that what I did not share which is that the period after my 40+ day cycle was super light and the result is a lining that has been building up until it looks like a grapefruit is hanging out in my uterus, which I guess explains why I have been so moody and bloaty. So the RE gave me a script for Prover@ and is anticipating that I will have a cleansing of sorts in the next couple of weeks.

Which brings me to the next question some of you may be thinking: why did the RE do an ultrasound during a consult? Ah, yes. That is the money question. Another scene from the office:

RE, looking uncomfortable: “Cindy you have had several cycles, some with really good embryos.”
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Me, catching a clue: “Y-Y-Yes?”

RE: “Have you guys given any thought to Joey being the one who carries?”

A conversation about my mother having endometriosis and me potentially having undetectable endometriosis followed. She then suggested Joey and I give it some thought and almost without thinking, the RE suggested that she check my uterus, “just to see if anything is detectable.”

The answer is that NO with the grapefruit-lining, the RE could not detect anything related to whether I might or might not have endometriosis. She said she was going to spend some more time with my chart and get back to me. It is not a good thing to alarm your RE.

So yet again, I have dashed the hopes of another RE. My first RE said right away that IVF was my only option. I was not savvy then and I listened without question. (poor response followed by miscarriage) Next I had a consult with another RE, she said that she felt a few IUI’s might do the trick. I did not like her or her office so I chose my 2nd RE who also felt that I should be able to get pregnant pretty easily. He suggested IVF simply due to my age and to maximize my chances. He did 2 cycles, saw my response and egg quality issues and suggested donor embryos (2 BFNs). Now move to my newest RE, initially she said that perhaps we should try a few IUIs. I thanked her and talked about my pattern of poor stimulation followed by ever-diminishing egg quality. She agreed that donor eggs or embryos would be a good plan. (Another BFN) Flash forward, now she thinks that not only do I make poor eggs, but I also seem to be a bad incubator.

My head is telling me that my RE is right. We have been giving my body chance after chance to conceive and we still don’t have a baby after well-over 2 years of trying. We have also done 6 IUIs with Joey and she has done many at-home insems (I have stopped blogging about those hail Marys). Clearly, a new plan is called for. But I don’t want to change uteruses. I WANT TO HAVE OUR BABY. ME. I WANT.

I feel so incredibly selfish at this point: selfish and sad. I find that tears are never far away when I give our new plan some thought. I know that moving on to Joey’s uterus is the right thing to do and I will do the right thing and I will learn to get past this feeling. I will. I must. Honestly I am kind of kicking myself for even being sad. Other women would love to have their partner even be a carry option. Other families have to use a surrogate. I am hoping that I will get to a better calmer place soon because it seems that this is my new reality.

My apologies: sorry to be such a downer in the last 2 posts and I am sorry if I have now ruined grapefruit for anyone reading this entry.