WHOA!?

Do you ever have a series of events happen in your life that leave you feeling dumbfounded? Yep, that is where I am right now. After days of going back and forth between acceptance, sadness and anger, I did not expect this turn of events.

So this is the story.

Yesterday, I had not gotten AF after 7 days which made me concerned that something might be amiss. J called the IVF nurse for me who suggested I take another hpt but said not to worry. Don't get excited... still negative. I bought some super cheapo hpts, because I did not want to spend good money to tell me what I already knew. The first test, I failed. Seriously, I failed it and got no response at all. Apparently, I flooded the thing and got no lines whatsoever. I did not know that could even happen! El cheapo #2 confirmed that I am still not pregnant. Really it's okay. J and I laughed alot.

Also the financial lady from our clinic called. She is really nice and we like her. She said that the whole clinic was upset that our cycle ended with a BFN. Then she said.....wait for it...... that the clinic will let us cycle again for the super low introductory donor egg price!!!! Not exactly free but 1/3 the price of what other people are paying now. They felt that we have been through too much and they saw no reason this cycle should have failed.

*slightly dazed look and glassy eyes* Yes, I would like 2 more tickets for the crazy train, please.

So today marks CD1 for me and I get right back on BCPs on Thursday. The nurse was calling my other meds into the fertility pharmacy this afternoon.

I also feel the need to apologize to my credit cards in advance. They are about to be inundated.

Pruning

The weeds have grown back in my flower beds again, as they are so wont to do. So today rather than taking the nap I wanted to take, I decided to clear out some weeds both physically and metaphorically. I grabbed great angry handfuls of tall weeds and jerked them out from the roots. I am not fooled though. I know that the weeds are still lying in wait underneath the mulch and they will grow back again. Vigilance and determination is the key. And aren’t those really the keys to everything?

I also pruned the enormous and unruly bridal wreath bush. It blooms when and if it chooses. And it adamantly resists all my efforts to contain it. It is at the corner of the flowerbed and at times I find an errant new sprig has grown outside the boundaries of the bed. It refuses to stop. I cut it back to near stubs at times and yet it always finds a way to grow larger, greener and healthier. I respect that bush.

So today, I will enjoy the sunshine. I will breathe and I will find new territory to grow into. No one ever promised that growth would come without a price.

The fleet of hope is so pretty

Tread carefully, there be sharks in these waters!

So I want to begin with a heart-felt thank you all of you who commented or emailed me this week. Every word was like a lifeline and while I hardly feel as though I have the words for a post I want to let you know that I have not done a swan dive from a bridge. Also, I really do plan to email all of you back: hopefully I can stop wearing this damn albatross around my neck (which is really weighing me down). Every footstep feels heavy and gravity is not my friend. I find myself feeling the need to sit and stare into space at every opportunity. For instance, right now I am blogging as I left a half-completed pan of twice-baked potatoes waiting for their filling. Meh.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I hardly know the woman staring back at me. I look as tired as I feel. My body is bulkier than when I began TTC and my eyes don't convey a sense of mischief anymore. I don't even feel funny, and I think I used to be pretty funny. Not to mention that I have having some serious anger toward my physical self. I have a friend who is HIV+ and he always refers to his blood as poison (yes, he has issues). When I think about my own reproductive tract, I internally call it the "embryo terminator". I used to call it that aloud but J put a rapid end to that level of emotional flogging. Alas, gallows humor is not her thing.

After we got confirmation that this cycle was a bust, J and I briefly talked about giving up TTC then she had an insight that she doesn't even know if we could be who we were before we started trying. J wants to talk future plans. She wants to consider our options. She wants me to be okay. Mostly I just want to nap.

Also if another well-intended person in the non-TTC world says to me that a baby will happen for J and I "when the time is right," I am going to completely lose my mind. So I could have saved the 50 grand we have spent as well as all this emotional turmoil if I could be more tuned into when God and the universe are ready for us to conceive?! R.i.g.h.t

I sound my barbaric YAWP...

It is over. I am not pregnant.

I went to the RE's office only to find that my pg test was not covered in the large fee we paid for this cycle. My insurance required that my blood be sent away to another lab which means no answer until tomorrow afternoon. I literally began sobbing in the lab tech's little cubicle area. I almost felt sorry for the blood lady as she tried in vain to comfort me. I gathered myself and made it to my car. Where I called J and reported the day's suckage through sobs, sniffs and gasps. She called our GYN who I am convinced is the nicest man in the universe. The GYN agreed to do a bloodtest and give us the results within a 2 hour period. All covered by my insurance thank.you.very.much. Of course the doc came in and said that there is no HCG in my system. He was kind and apologetic. He also wrote me a new script for my anti-depressant.

J and I are so sad, angry and broken that there are no words to express the emotions. We are wrestling with "why" and what to do next. There are no answers in this primal place. But we are open to answers if anyone has some.

Into the rabbit hole

I took a hpt this morning. Eight days past a 3 day transfer seemed like a safe-enough time. It is negative. I cried a little but mostly I got really numb. J did her best to cheer me up. She told me how early it is and that the blood test may show something better. (I admit that I am still holding out some hope for that.) J also said that I need to stay strong and positive for the embryos. But I think that they are either attached and thriving or arrested and gone: I have little faith that my hope or lack thereof will have any effect at this point.

I looked at J and said, "What will we do if this didn't work?" Her response without a moment's hesitation, "We will save up and try again." Truly I never doubt her love for me and that makes me glow inside. But I must wonder, do I just look foolish at this point? I keep trying this and that, tweaking the protocol, trying a different road, thinking outside the box....nothing works. When is it time to stop banging my head against this damn brick wall?

All in

So, neither of the extra embryos made it to freeze. Let me just say that I am not a "live on the edge" kind of gal. I am much more about hedging my bets. I buy extra insurance. I buy extended warranties. I like having a safety net. Why does the universe never allow me a reproductive insurance policy?

So as usual, I am waiting through this 2ww knowing that the outcome is black or white. No do-overs for me. Is this some cosmic lesson I am supposed to learn?

But here is my bright side thought: Why wouldn't this current cycle work? the embryos are high quality, my uterus was ready and textbook, the lab used ICSI and AH. This will work!!

Of emotions, waiting and celebrations

Since my transfer, my emotions have been all over the map. Granted I have been a more tearful person in general since I began TTC but seriously I have hit a new level of emotionality. Now I don't feel that it is enough to simply get tearful over other people's blogs, kind remarks from friends, television shows (especially when babies are born) and etc. Now I feel that there must actually be tears rolling down my cheeks and occasional sobs. This behavior is really embarrassing for me. I tend to be rather understated so all these waterworks are more than a little disconcerting. The problem is that I cannot seem to stop myself. Seriously, I try all the tricks: looking up at the ceiling, deep breathing, reminding myself that I am also being affected by the medications at this point. Nothing works!

On other fronts, I am feeling cautiously optimistic about this cycle. I keep telling myself: "young eggs and high quality embryos." The clinic also used ICSI and assisted hatching. I like the idea of using new techniques (for me). Surely new efforts will equal new outcomes, right? Right? I am trying to focus on eating well, meditating and not allowing myself to worry too much. The jury is still out on whether I will be able to stay in this calm happy place. I think I am hoping for some small symptom in the next week, like impossibly sore bbs, a bit of implantation spotting or something.

Also today J and I are celebrating our 6 year anniversary. We are keeping it rather low key this year as I am still under many cycle-related restrictions. I think we will have a nice dinner and some shopping afterward. Feeling inspired by the rash of "how we met" stories I have really enjoyed lately, I may put together the story of how J and I met in a future post.... must stay busy in the 2ww.