Bitter pill

Sometimes I think I have completely dealt with an issue only to find that the issue still has some power over me. I find these moments of self-insight frustrating beyond words. For instance I know that the world is not fair. I know that many families who do not want or need to be parents will easily have children. I know that women who are completely physically, emotionally and financially prepared to be parents will never get that chance. I know that there is no real rhyme or reason to who gets pregnant how quickly. I know. I know. I know that TTC is not fair. Sometimes though I still struggle to accept the unfairness of this process.

Remember my friend A, who I wrote about a couple of months ago? She is my long-term friend who is 39 and recently decided to try to have a child. She refused to take any fertility drugs and began IUI's. She was honestly a bit smug about her chances of conceiving, saying "Women in my family are always fertile." I wished her well but had my doubts. Yeah, we all know where this is going. She called me yesterday. Her second IUI attempt was successful. She is pregnant.

I have now been lapped by older women who only recently woke up and though "Oh, I think I might try to be a mom now." The lack of fairness is a bitter pill this weekend. I have done 3 IVF cycles... no baby. J has done 5 IUIs...no baby. J has done 3 at home insems... no baby. We have spent many thousands of dollars we do not have. We have cried more tears than we thought we could hold and we have prayed with such intensity. Now we have even given up on own own DNA. It feels as though we have put in our time and my friend A hasn't. I can't help but think of a post by the egg dance some months back when she listed all the people she thought would become pregnant before she does. To name a few, she listed men, extinct animals, and her neutered pets. For my own personal list, I would like to add every freaking female I ever knew, even the ones who said that they did not want children!

BTW: a part of me is really happy for her since I would never wish infertility upon anyone.