I am feeling a bit of a tantrum coming on. I am tired and frankly I am cranky.
I am tired of always having to create lemonade from the lemons my life keeps growing. Why can't my life grow juicy, sexy pomegranates? Why am I always looking for the happy moments in all the sadness? Why am I always looking for the zen to get through this or that new challenge? It's not that I would rather stop trying to be happy: it's just that I wish I could get to be one of the easily happy people. I want to be one of the people who get what they want. Why couldn't something have just worked? Why. is. my reproductive system. all. screwed. up?? Why have I not only been lapped again but now I also need to find a new freaking category for myself?
At times I can see the beauty in Joey being the one to carry our baby, but at times I am incredibly resentful that it is unlikely that I will get to know the joy of growing a baby inside my body. I keep sitting down to write a calm "all is well" post and this tantrum is what keeps bubbling up instead.
Perhaps tomorrow I will get to write the acceptance post.
About Me
- cindyhoo2
- I am a Southern lesbian traveling the winding path to motherhood (please please). My wonderful partner (J) and I are both 36 years old. For the past 3 years, we have spent most of our time, money and emotional resources trying to get pregnant. The road has been long to this point...I have done 3 IVF cycles: 1 m/c and 2 BFNs. We also tried several unsuccessful IUI cycles with my partner, J. At this point we have moved on to unknown donor eggs. Our first donor egg cycle ended in a BFN. We are now trying a second DE cycle but this time my partner will carry. We must be crazy.
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12 comments:
Oh you just bring on that tantrum Cindy... you need it hon, then you do it and save the calm warm waters for another day.
I agree. Lemonade gets really really old.
You have been through an ordeal and lemonade is tart and sometimes hard to swallow. Acceptance is a process that takes time. And it can't be rushed. xo
Its good to let it all out. Life is not always a bowl of cherries and I know that some us get more lemons than anything else but it will work itself out somehow. You never have to feel guilty for feeling that way.
Bring it, toots! It's only normal for anyone dealing with IF to have a tantrum occasionally. We're faced with Octomom and Teen Mom and the local meth-head being 8-months pregnant. Why did we get such a freaking short straw?
And it's doubly difficult for you because you feel like you need to be grateful to have a partner who can carry the baby, but who feels like feeling grateful when faced with bad news at every RE visit?
You know that if this works and Joey gets pg and it results in a beautiful baby or two, that you'll adore them no matter where they grew. But that's a totally separate issue from you mourning the fact that you might not carry a baby yourself. Don't pressure yourself to accept this any sooner than feels 100% right.
tantrum your heart out, you are entitled. ((()))
Let it our darling. You deserve to and you deserve to feel the way you do.
I don't know why this has turned out this way but I effing hate it for you.
xoxo
go for that tantrum. Lemons and lemonade are really really old. It's not fair and it sucks. wishing all kinds of juicy fruit instead.
I hate that you are going through this, and I think a tantrum--or multiple tantrums--is perfectly appropriate. No need to push yourself toward acceptance until you're ready to go there. For now, know we're all here with strong shoulders. xo
Screw the acceptance post. Put the lemon in your mouth, bite down and allow yourself to grimace. Nobody expects you to wear a smile all the time or cheerfully sell your lemonade. There is nothing more frustrating than doing everything within your power, sacrificing everything you have to give, and STILL drawing the short straw. It sucks and it's not fair.
Rant on, sister.
I think a tantrum is a good thing.
Scream away.
(((hug)))
A tantrum definitely sounds in order, and completely appropriate. Perhaps you could buy a bunch of cheap lemons and then spend some time stomping on them on your driveway.
You have been through so much so if you need a good tantrum go for it. We are here to listen.
I wanted to carry. Very badly. I wanted to have that experience but can't. I'm just grateful that I have a partner that is willing to.
Hang in there.
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