2ww II plus updates

So HJ and I are in the 2ww again and I am having really mixed emotions about that.... not about having a baby--- never a 2nd thought about that! My 2nd thoughts are about how we are living our lives now, in 2 week increments. (Period, waiting for ovulation, then insemination followed by the 2ww) This whole home insemination thing along with IUI's means that we can cycle back to back to our hearts content. I know HJ and she is now a woman with a mission: my fear is that she will feel compelled to cycle again and again until we succeed. Good outcome: crazy way to live. At least when I do IVF cycles I have time between to feel normal again and re-group emotionally. But who knows, maybe this time will work and we will not ever have to cycle again--- dare to dream!

Ok, happier note....

We did our last insemination for the month last night. In a matter of days, Known Donor, Wifey, HJ and I have become super nonchalant about this whole odd process. HJ and I took take-out so that we could all have dinner together since KD and Wifey had an appointment with their OBGYN last night. We looked at the couple's wedding photos. Donor excused himself and returned with "the cup" really quickly. HJ and he passed one another in the hallway and did an NBA-style High 5. HJ and I went to the bedroom for our portion of the entertainment. We emerge after 45 minutes of insemination + pelvis tilting time. Then all of us watch part of Mr and Mrs Smith. We talk about next month's cycle timing and decide that we will go to a professional football game together this weekend. HJ and I then come home..... truly surreal.

Oh and my brother is wimping out! He's getting all shy and wiggy about the process of donating. He is older than me and has never been married so I suppose that I should not be surprised that he has commitment issues. I am a bit angry but I am also not surprised. I am sooooo thankful for Known Donor and Wifey! (Yes, I will be thinking of better pseudonyms by next month.)

Turkey baster-- not just for Thanksgiving anymore!

Okay, so we didn't actually use a turkey baster but the approach was only slightly more high tech.

Tonight our known donor invited us to his home between his his day and evening engagements. We were all way more relaxed tonight and the whole event came off without a hitch!

Here's the short play by play:
1) Known donor comes home and we meet him at his house
2) KD changes into a t-shirt that says Big Daddy and we all laugh.
3) He briefly disappears into the guest bedroom while HJ, wifey and I watch Everybody Loves Raymond (which I don't like).
4) KD emerges looking proud!
5) HJ and I use the bedroom to do our part while KD and wifey watch Everybody Loves Raymond. (BTW: "the donation" is just a gross as I recall from college days!)
6) We emerge giggling after 30 minutes.
7) Wifey makes a note that we should return tomorrow for another insemination to "optimize the ovulation."
8) We all give hugs and say "Good-bye."

Really I cannot say enough nice things about Known Donor and wifey. They are earning such good karma.

As we are driving home, I look at HJ and say, "So do you FEEL pregnant yet?"
She says dryly, "That's not even funny and I'm not taking a pregnancy test until 14 days this time."

So there you have it. The totally odd has now become mundane. Hopefully letting go of expectations will result in less emotional stress... fingers crossed.

Les-baby-making

I have not posted much in the past few days as life has been pretty normal... good but generally uneventful. Let me just say that today has been different from every day that came before it.

HJ and I slept in until 9:00 then we met some friends at a local restaurant for lunch... lovely relaxed morning. The friends we met happened to be a married couple in their 20's who are expecting a child. Not long ago they offered to donate to our les-baby-making efforts. At that point we were not sure about their seriousness and really thought we had everything covered. However as times passes and the bank account wanes, we find ourselves open to less high-tech efforts.

Now that wifey is pregnant, she feels that she could share the wealth of swimmers from their house to ours. Husband is also very laid back and has offered for some time to donate, pending wifey's permission.... which I can totally understand. HJ and husband have been close palas for some time and wifey and I have certainly grown on one another.

So back to the present... today as we ate our very large lunches, the topic of donation came up again. Oh, and did I forget to mention that HJ got the egg symbol on the fertility monitor today?? So after lunch, we do some shopping then we all head back to our house to watch a football game on tv. I make some soup for dinner and we have a nice afternoon. Then we all have a serious talk about "donation" and we all come to the place where we say-- "let's just give it a whirl!" So at the end of the evening, hubby goes into our bedroom and watched our *ahem* adult entertainment for inspiration then he leaves a 'donation' in a cup by the sink.

Friends leave quickly and I perform a home insemination with HJ!! Seriously, we did this thing. HJ's butt propped up on pillows, legs in the air: me between her legs with a syringe full of 'donated material'. Then I wash the "collection cup" and throw away the needle-less syringe. I can't believe that my life and this day has taken the turn it has. From about mid-afternoon on, I have been hearing "WTF, WTF, WTF" as the repeating refrain in my head.

Tomorrow we will be going over to his house in the afternoon for a second "donation." We were not even planning to try this month but when HJ got her EWCM and the eggs, she started wishing. For Pete's sake, we have had the plans to meet with our friends for 2 weeks! How could the timing have worked out this way? And how could we have ended up with hubby and wifey donating and us doing a home insem??? This is so weird for me.

So if this month works... great. And if not then we will use my brother for HJ--- assuming that all his tests are fine. If my brother's tests show less than adequate swimmers--- then I suppose we will continue to use our married friend. Holy Sh*t!

It's official

My brother and I had a very intense discussion via email today about him being the donor for HJ's IUIs. I wanted to 'talk' with him that way to allow him the ability to voice concerns and back out without feeling pressured. He was totally wonderful and expressed that he didn't want us to feel pressured to use him. I feel very peaceful about this idea. Here are my reasons:
1-My brother has no children and is not married so I like the idea that he would be connected to a child.
2- I love the idea that HJ will be able to have a baby that shares some of my genetic make-up.
3- Let's face it. Brother is cheaper than sperm bank. :)

So now we have brother's swimmers tested and we wait for December's cycle.

Oh, another set of friends just told us that they are expecting.... the breeders are everywhere. I wanna join in!

I don't want to leave the house

Today is cold and rainy-- same as the past 2 days--- and I am having some difficulty making myself face the "real world."

I am sitting on my couch, completely dressed and made up for work. But I lack the motivation to leave. I am so warm and cozy. My house is clean and the feeling here is all comfy. I know that when I go to work, my office will be cold. My employees will need my help and input with their cases. I will have my own supervisors to deal with, and basically, I will have responsibilities.

I think the real issue is that I had a lovely dream last night. I dreamed that I was holding a newborn baby girl and she was mine!!! I felt so content and joyful and I woke up in the best mood. Even now, I have access to some of the feelings and images from my dream, and these memories are like a hug from someone I really love. I know that when I leave the house, the dream will fade. My real life will crowd in and I won't be able to visualize the face from my dream or feel her warm, alive little body in my arms.

So opinions.... do you think dreams are a way of accessing someone/something greater than ourselves to give us hope or glimpses of the future? Or are dreams simply our way of letting our own subconscious's run wild?

Okay, it is now 9 AM and I really cannot avoid my life any longer... sigh.

I'm disturbed

http://www.partselect.com/JustForFun/Dishwasher-Lasagna.aspx

The above are pics and a link from a story about how to cook lasagna in the dishwasher. I am so very distubed right now. WHY would someone even consider doing this? How much bacteria would the dishwasher contribute to the meal? YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!!

blessed

This has been a lovely weekend-- so much so that I have not blogged every day and will miss that mark for the month. HJ and I had friends over for dinner Friday night. Then we went football tail-gaiting on Saturday followed by having a different set of freinds over that night. Jules and Ashton brought movies with them-- 2 of which were beyond awful!! However the last movie was a total chick flick... PS I Love You was the movie. I cried throughout the whole thing as it was about a young woman whose husband died and sent love letters for her to find the year following his death. The film sounds like an utter downer but it was strangely uplifting. I ended the movie feeling blessed to have found my soul-mate and to be allowed to share my life with her.

I am working on changing my attitude. I want to feel complete in my life so that a baby will simply be icing on the cake..... still working on that one. :)