2 women trying to make a baby

Friday, May 29, 2009

Ode to Prop 8

I ran across this video today. For those of you who haven't seen it yet, it is totally worth watching!


Thursday, May 28, 2009

Just not feeling it

J called yesterday and the clinic said that the lovely Brazilian eggs have gone to another couple. We are so disappointed. I am not all that surprised but still...

Amy, the egg lady, said that we are now 4th on the overall list. I guess people who only want blonds are back on the list for the next go-round. So the good news is that our relative position has moved from 5th to 4th. But the bad news is that we still have longer to wait. J has all sorts of conspiracy theories but I think that we just have to wait longer.

Even as I write "just" wait longer, it feels too small a thing to say. I might as well say that we just need to count the grains of sand along the coast of Florida or say that we should just create world peace or that I should just run a marathon. This task is no longer small. It is enormous and overwhelming. I feel as though we have been waiting an eternity. In fact I don't feel a real connection to having a baby growing inside me at all right now. I want to imagine myself as a glowing mother feeling her baby kick and flip inside, feeling giddy with excitement, feeling complete. But what I feel right now is tired and doubt-filled. Can this dream ever happen for us?

I don't want to end this post as such a downer but this is where I am today.... just freaking waiting some more. What do you think... should we just do an IVF with J's eggs and as the carrying partner?

Monday, May 25, 2009

Coming out to mom

Well sort of...

This weekend, J and I went to visit my parents. We had some very relaxed and pleasant days. Mom divided plants with me (a good thing with day lilies). We cooked tasty food and spent time with the whole family. We even drank excellent homemade margaritas.

Then at one point when we were alone, Mom fixed her gaze on me and said "So how are you doing really?" This was clearly a good time to come clean about the donor eggs if I ever planned to do so. My response: "Weeeellllll. much better now. We are moving in a bit of a new direction." I explained the whole donor egg thing and the process. Mom asked questions but mostly looked as though I was explaining that J and I plan to get married in matching Elvis costumes on Mars. She looked dumbstruck for several long moments then said "Well I support you no matter what you do." Then she launched into her newest theory that I did not get pregnant because the women in our family tend to go through early menopause. (This may sound cold but it is a serious step above telling me that it's "God's will.") She also compared the donor egg process to "adoption but better" (her words not mine!). She is trying to "get it," she really is. And I appreciate the effort, even as I shake my head and laugh.

Oh, and my cousin who is 1 year older than me had an announcement this weekend...... yep, she's pregnant. No money, unstable marriage, lack of career goals.... sigh, but still a good weekend.

Friday, May 22, 2009

on the mend

Barney sends deep appreciation for your concern. He has been working on creating a nice dependence upon the pain meds we are giving him. He spends most of the day gorked out sleeping on the couch. He periodically walks slowly outside but the only time he moves with any speed is when we go get his pill bottles. Then he will pick up his head, shake a bit and run into the kitchen wagging his tail. He is CRAZY about gree.nies pill pockets. He loves them and stands staring expectantly at us until we serve up his medication fix. His is such a cute little addict. And we are crazy moms who feel guilty for not being able to protect him. So we dote on him. He gets lots of special treats and extra pets. I think he'll be just fine.

On a TTC note.... la la la... still waiting on donor eggs. The treatment team at the RE's office meets on Tuesday to make a final decision about where we are on the list. I will take prayers, positive vibes, baby dust, crossed fingers or any other helpful things you can send out into the universe.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Welcome ICLW

As a fan of Martha, I would like to offer some tasty refreshments including a mint julep. Sadly those things do not translate well across the Internet. So I will just share a few things about my life and my journey up to now: facebook style.

Sexuality: lesbian (quasi-bi)
Relationship status: happily partnered for 6 years
Region: the south.... it is both awful and wonderful here
Children: Only the furry kind at this point
Efforts to have a child/ children: so many in the past 2 years
Fertility challenges: well, lack of sperm, grainy eggs, and unknown for my partner
IVF's: 3 failed thanks.
miscarriages: just one
IUI's: 5 failed for my partner
home inseminations: just 1 failure there
current plans: moving on to donor eggs
pessimistic: some days
angry: occasionally
optimistic: most days
how soon for the donor eggs? hopefully this summer

Thanks for stopping by. :)

Sorry this is a meager post. I was up half the night driving a dog to the emergency vet. Barney, the Beagle to the right, had a bit of a kerfuffle with a larger dog. Barney lost. He is fine but sore. He has stitches scattered all over his little body but we are lucky because he had no serious injuries. Now he is happily sleeping on pain meds. Last night, as I was driving to the vet's office, trying to stay calm, I felt like such a mother. I left the house sans make-up, sans socks, sans underwear and sans bra (which is not an option for me). I just knew I had to get my bloody little guy to the vet ASAP! Apparently, little dogs bleed alot even when nothing is terribly wrong. That's a $200 lesson but I would do it again to know that my buddy is okay.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

happy dance

J called *Amy* (the egg donor coordinator) today and we got good news! Amy said that we are second and potentially first in line for donor eggs. Amy said that the available eggs are from a lovely, funny young woman of Brazilian descent with dark hair and eyes and golden skin.

My heart sings when I think about that. I think maybe just having any description makes the frozen egg babies more real. I am pretty sure that I would be just as excited about a Scandinavian artist egg donor. Or a red-headed flute player with cat allergies. Or, you get the picture.

J also apologized for calling and Amy replied that she knows people are really ready to use donor material when they are concerned enough to be advocates for themselves.

This could really happen... soon! And now I have to change *Amy's* sound in my head. She has been so kind and seems to be helping us out. No more snarky Amy sound., but what do I replace snarky with?

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Honeysuckle thoughts

As I got out of my car at work this morning I was stopped in my tracks by a smell. While normally smells that make me take notice are NOT a good way to start the day, the smell this morning was intoxicating. Honeysuckle! To me the smell of honeysuckle is the very embodiment of summer. It brings to mind images of sun, swimming, cookouts and falling in love. My response to the smell of honeysuckle is intense and visceral. It also makes me think of sex. The kind of sweet sex you have when you are in the I-am-so-freaking-in-love that my nerves may actually jump out of my body. Honeysuckle reminds me of that young love feeling when I felt as though I had to touch the object of my affection or I would simply die of love sickness. Innocent, fun love when we used to sneak away with a blanket, a bottle of wine and simply find a sunny secluded spot. These are lovely memories and a wonderful way to start the day.

The smell was so strong and sweet that I decided to take a few pictures as show-and-tell. So I retrieved my camera, hopped out of my car, put my face very near the blossoms, inhaled then actually focused and took some photos. I looked at the images on my camera screen and thought how beautiful the flowers look. Then I had to laugh. The honeysuckle grows in a messy cluster atop and through a defeated chain-length fence that stands in separation of my parking lot and nearby train tracks. The view from 1 step back is not so pretty. I decided to take a picture of that view as well but the picture does not do justice to the reality of the situation. Even the picture smooths away the rough edges. The picture certainly cannot convey the immensity of the noise from the trains and the unhappiness of the whole scene.

These pictures felt metaphoric to me. I think life is like this. When we zoom in, we can find wondrous beauty in everyday parts of life, which connects us with other fantastic memories from the past. But when we back up and look at the whole landscape while we are in the middle of it, our outlook is bleak. We see all the parts that need repair. It gets easy to focus on the icky parts and miss out on the small glimpses of lovely which we could give thanks for. Then when the period is passed and we look back though the filter of time, the edges are softened. We think, "Meh, that wasn't so bad. I remember that it smelled like honeysuckle." So today I am trying to focus on all my honeysuckle experiences and be very very grateful for THIS small moment. The whole picture gets too overwhelming, truth be told, and the edges are still sharp today. The irony is that I am projecting myself 5 years into the future (a time I hope will be filled with happiness and comfort) while trying to stay in the moment and be content with the now. I am telling myself that I will someday look back on this waiting time as a period of growth before we had our child. hopefully.


Friday, May 8, 2009

Wrestling with WHY

This post was almost called "Word from Methuselah" because I am feeling old... seriously old. So old that I don't know why I am even thinking that I could possibly be a mother. So old that people might someday stop me in the grocery store to ask me what my grandchild's name is: to which I will reply, "No this is MY child" and I won't even try to hide my irritation. And I have wrinkles around my eyes... many too many to be a mother. See the thought process? Then I read every one's updates today.... and I feel a bit better, lighter really. Dakota and Mulberry got a BFP! yay. And others in the over 35 crowd are also bearing fruit. So I have decided that I am old but not too old for mothering. Which brings me to my next thought process.... WHEN and more importantly WHY?

Why must we wait? Why is this my third mother's day without a child? Why is this so hard? Why do other people pop out children with so little effort? Why Why WHY.... honestly, I know that this whole line of thought is trite and I feel silly writing about it. But it is so what I am feeling right now: in fact, I woke up obsessing over the why question in the middle of the night last night. The why's are making me tired and logically, I know that there are no answers I will feel satisfied with.

Yesterday, J and I went to the Big Business Fertility Clinic to meet with Martha, the embryo lady. We are #8 on that list. Their success rates with FET cycles is above 40% and she thinks their embryo donation cycles are better. (??she thinks??) Our meeting with her was....fine. I think this might be the crux of my newest blue funk. I hoped that our consultation with her would leave me feeling buoyant and energized. Instead I left our time with that oh-another-meaningless-appointment feeling. We came, we talked, we paid: no more, no less. Martha said that she estimates that we may need to wait 4 months for a donor to come available. She described the process. She said that she will call when our number is up. I asked if I could call monthly for updates about our place in line. Martha seemed offended. I explained that we are anxious and have been at this a long time. She softened a little. How does this new clinic find people with no observable heart? Really?? Oh, and she suggested that the 3-4 month waiting period I am in would be a good time to finish losing 20 pounds.. heh.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Because no one would believe this otherwise...

My latest fortune from dinner tonight. :) I can't decide if my lucky star is shining now or will be shining on this date in 3 months. Isn't it amazing how the cookies know just when they will be opened?!

Losing my mind

Oh how quickly the zen evaporates.
At first this semi-forced ttc break was good. I enjoyed hanging out with J and I liked the reduced pressure. Now I am restless. I want to DO something about growing our family. We are on the donor waiting lists... great, now what? I feel like calling *Amy" the egg lady every day to ask if we have moved up the list yet. But I doubt that is a good plan. J and I do have an appointment with the embryo lady later this week but that does not feel like enough. I feel like an addict looking for my next ttc fix. I think 2 years of perpetual pregnancy attempts have changed me in a bad way. I seem to be a constant multi-tasker now.

Welcome to my crazy brain:
  • "Maybe we could do some IUIs while we wait." Bad plan. J and I agreed that we would be able to save precious little money if we had to pay $1000 every month for sperm + IUI attempts. All of which have been unsuccessful, anyway.
  • "Our friend M agreed to donate if we need him to. We could do some free home insems." Really just let it go. My eggs are crap. Why would that work when IVF has not?
  • "Well we can't JUST SIT HERE." We can, we will and we must.

It's so odd. I am struggling with myself to just stay on this path which will likely work. However, my ID is impatient and wants to repeat useless things... insanity really. So I will try to just sit and breath.