In the past I did not understand the duality of the blessing/curse that "May you live in interesting times" implies. I used to think "Interesting is good!" But now I am certainly having second thoughts about that view.
This morning, with trigger shots a mere 1 1/2 hours away, HJ checked her fertility monitor to find that it denoted an egg-- peak day, nearing ovulation. The plan was that if this happened then HJ would not take the trigger shots as her body was about to naturally do its part in conception. The plan seemed simple and made perfect sense to me, however, my poor partner can't see a simple change of plan as just that. Her mind now decides that she is NOT going to ovulate despite the LH surge denoted by the monitor. We had a lengthy discussion about how we had no evidence that she might not ovulate and that this attempt at an IUI should be viewed as an adventure.... if it works this time, Great! If it does not work this time, Fine! But HJ has switched over to hyper-control mode. She called Xytex but they were not open yet. She called our trigger shot friend to cancel and consult about fertility monitors--- which our friend also uses. Finally, she went outside (I should have gotten suspicious) and called out OBGYN friend.
FINALLY, HJ felt that all her bases were covered and that she could relax a little. The plan remains mostly unchanged. She will do an IUI tomorrow and Thurday to increase the chances of catching ovulation. The only change is that no trigger shot is needed. However, I refuse to be lulled into a false sense of calm by the plan we have agreed upon for the 2nd time... I am still waiting for HJ to have another melt-down.
I love her....goodness knows that I do and that she will do anything for me but I am finding that using her uterus is more stressful than using my own. And now I have a second worry.... will our child be as high strung as HJ? If so, I need to find a doctor who will prescribe me some good tranquilizers because things in this house are certainly interesting!
BTW: the dog at the top is Barney... our newest addition. We found him wandering down the highway... skinny, scarred, sick and collar causing an injury around his neck. HJ promised to find him a good home and she has.... ours is great!
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1 comment:
I wonder if she's such a maniac because she's feeling undo stress? I'm just thinking that if I were in her shoes that maybe I'd be a little higher strung too. After all I just witness the love of my life suffer the pain, loss and frustration of infertility. I have a better understanding of what fertility means, but more importantly I've seen how much my love wants this family. It's now up to her to deliver. If she can't pull it off then this adds a whole new level of finality to the situation. And when both partners are unable to conceive then we can't help but have weak moments where we question more then just our fertility, but our reason for being together. Granted, most will come to the conclusion that they were meant to be together regardless. But that doesn't erase the pain of being unable to provide the gift of children to our partners. It's not just children. It's about family. We don't think of family as two people. For whatever reason family is supposed to be a crowd. We don't want to give our partners only children, we want to provide a family... or at least it's something I'd like to do.
Good luck... and I'm not surprised. Very few are able to actually wait for treatment once the decision is made. Working in weeks and months is just too damn hard when we're used to working in minutes, hours and days.
D
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