A slightly new direction

With all the craziness that IF and IVF has been for us, HJ and I have talked several times about the possibility of her being the one to get pregnant. She is definitely in favor of having a child however she has no real desire to carry a baby.... there's a theme of not having anything inside that I just won't elaborate upon! I on the other hand WANT to carry a baby, desperately want to be pregnant in fact. So we have discussed that I should be the one to have the child unless I simply cannot do so. In the past, I could not even think this way and refused to have the discussion. Then I could talk about it but was not ready to act in any way. Then I was okay with HJ having herself tested for fertility--- wouldn't you know it, she's just fine! Now I have moved to a place where I am ready for her to attempt an IUI.

I still worry that I will react with jealousy to her experiencing all the joys of pregnancy when I have been unable to get to that place. I also worry that I will not by the rock of support for her that she consistently is for me. When I was pregnant, super-sleepy and a mass of mood swings, HJ was patient, NEVER pointing out that I was, in fact, evil and she even rubbed my feet and brought me special treats.... She's such an incredible person. I, on the other hand, appear to be the emotionally stable and giving one in the relationship but I think she and I know the truth. She's the real gem. :-) Hence, my concerns about her being the one to get pregnant.... how will I react?

Even beyond my jealousy though, my fear is stronger. Case in point, I saw a precious little newborn baby a few weeks ago. All my coworkers went to look at her and coo. I stayed across the room as though the baby were contagious. Babies make me weepy. When I am near them, the desire to be a mother is so strong that it chokes me at times. Then a few days later, I got my beta results.... big f'ing negative!!! Now the fear kicked into over-drive. I told HJ to call our friend the OBGYN. HJ is now taking Clomid for a couple of months to get her to really ovulate and will do an IUI in December. I think we're both baffled on what to pray for here.

Of course, we're still planning for me to attempt IVF again in January. But if she gets pregnant in the meantime, then I guess we will have to decide if I go through IVF in an attempt to get embryos to freeze. I could then be the back-up sibling provider..... before my eggs age anymore.

Reading all that I have written, I feel so incredibly selfish! Other couples would love to have a back-up choice for biological children. I know this is true but then again I have to be mindful to my own desire to give birth. sigh.