Moments-- updated

I have been a terrible commenter and poster of late. I am sorry about that. I don't have any great excuses except that I have decided to do lots of self-care for this cycle. I am having a massage a week. I am presently able to justify things I normally would not purchase. I have basically fore sworn unappealing household chores and I am living like a diva! For pete's sake I am even eating what I want (mostly). Honestly though, writing about my diva-like actions is stirring up all my WASP-y guilt but I will move forward with some of the more fun moments from the past few days.

1. I made and ate homemade chocolate pudding for supper last night. And yes, that was ALL I ate. I used my grandmother's recipe and the whole event brought back the most comforting waves of nostalgia. By the way, the pudding was smooth and a little sweet... just like Granny made.
2. I bought myself a Willi@ms and Sonom@ apron. It is perfectly lovely and I have created a space to hang it in my pantry. Reminiscent of my other grandmother. I feel very motherly when I wear it.
3. I searched all over town until I found a Sod@Stream, carbonated water maker. I love it! It makes Perrier-like water or sodas at home without all the bottles, sugar and caffeine. I convinced myself that I needed the new shiny thing because my drinking options are now limited since I don't want the sugar from soda and cannot have caffeine in tea.
4. There was a sale at Coldwater Creek. Need I say more? I am utterly filled with consumer bliss.

In real TTC news, my lining is at 9.6 on the ultrasound today. I don't have my E2 level yet, but I am thinking that the news will be good. Currently I have EPS. My nips are like radars. They can feel a strong breeze in the next county and forget about coming near them. If the nurse decided to feel me up at my appointment today, I was planning to have serious words with her. The bbs are now strictly off-limits due to crazy-soreness. (And yes, I am quite sure that I am not pregnant since the transfer is still 12 days away. :) )

Also, as I was lying on the table today with "the wand" inserted into....well where it goes, the ultrasound tech turned on the hooha interrogation light and swung it around. The light made a loud squeaky noise, which was annoying. The tech decided that she would then attempt some sort of assessment on the light, while her other hand was still busy stuffing a wand inside my nether regions. Eventually she did give my lady business the proper attention it deserved but frankly I am deciding that my clinic pretty much forgets that there is a person attached to the other end of all the faulty reproductive bits!

UPDATE: My E2 level is 742. My lining is tri-layer. AND my egg thaw is officially confirmed for September 8. This thing is going to happen!!

For those of you playing along at home

My bloodwork, ultrasound and mock embryo transfer went well today.

My E2 is at 46 and my lining is almost non-existent. I am suppressed. Now I reduce the Lupron to 5 units per day and I start taking Esatradol Valerate on Thursday. Next appointment August 31.

As for the mock embryo transfer, the nurse "threaded my cervix" twice. Basically she did a pretend IUI.... 2 times. Why the extra attempt? I suppose, just for the fun of seeing my uterus cramp. ??? And does anyone know why she had to feel up on my tatas? I am just curious about that.

Choices

So I had to visit with my primary care doctor today to have bloodwork re-done. Apparently the FDA requires people using ART have a certain set of tests EVERY 2 YEARS. The doctor determined that my bloodwork expired sometime at the beginning of the summer. Yep, we have been trying to get pregnant with IVF so long that it is officially time to have the same tests repeated. I was feeling a touch irritated about that until I met a lovely nurse at the doctor's office.

She is a tall pretty blond who is fit and intelligent. She was looking over my chart and began asking lots of questions about infertility and IVF. Turns out that she is 25 years old, married and does not ovulate. She has done some testing but is clearly under-informed. She took Clomid for a year. Now she and her husband plan to try naturally and pray. She said that if she has not gotten pregnant by the time she is 30, she'll try IVF. She thinks that she and her husband will have saved enough money by then. My heart is breaking. That young woman wants a family so badly and she feels that she has no real options to get a baby for 5 years.

So while I am generally quite happy with my life, I had one more reminder that I am lucky. I have found my soul mate and I never have a single day when I do not feel loved. (Occasionally I feel incredibly annoyed or angry at my soulmate but I know those feelings will pass.) I have a job I am good at (though occasionally I question whether I want to do it). And through some incredible luck or timing or whatever, we have been able to do IVF 3x and now a donor egg cycle. So no, I don't have a baby yet. But yes, I still have many things to be thankful about in my life. In the end, I think it all comes down to options. When I look at the options in my life, I feel that there have been enough thus far and I feel grateful to have come so far. I am reminded that I have choices and that is not a small gift to be overlooked.

So Vv v v v very happy

I am typing this entry on the shiny new laptop my honey bought for me. Previous posts have been typed on my old Dell which has been slowly dying. To begin the back arrow stopped working... no big deal. Next the "V" key broke and could not be reattached, necessitating me to stick my finger in the hole where the "V" once resided. It worked, but it was not an efficient typing method. You might be surprised how often the letter "V" gets used in ordinary writing. Final straw: the spring holding up the screen broke, meaning that I had to type with one hand while I held the screen in a use able position with my other hand (makes capitalizing letters pretty tough). Being resourceful and a lesbian, I grabbed a handy roll of duct tape and created a bridge between the screen and keyboard. It worked but it wasn't pretty! Recent development: the laptop began slamming on my fingers each time I moved. I have known I needed a new computer for a long time but with my old laptop somewhat functional, I did not want to divert funds from the baby-making effort. So today I came home from work to find a lovely pink present in place of my old laptop. J's a keeper and I feel so excited to be off the low-rent laptop.

Domestic Goddess/ Hormonal Mess

Lest you all think that all I ever do is try to reproduce, I wanted to share a bit about my weekend. (For that matter, sometimes it feels like all I ever do is try to reproduce.) So this weekend, my mother and father came to visit. We spent time shopping, having a super yummy dinner and visiting. My mom and I pressure canned green beans and tomatoes. My dad and J built a new handrail on our deck. My parents also got to meet their newest furry grandkids, ie, the kittens, who obliged by frolicking most cutely. It was a good weekend and I loved it.

In the past, I used to think that I would NEVER quit my job: now I have changed my mind. I think I could quite happily hang out around home: growing things, making planned-out dinners, keeping my house clean and (dare I say?) taking care of babies. Were J and I to become independently wealthy, I would quit THAT DAY and never look back. Especially since the team I direct has collectively lost their minds and this week is yearly evaluation time. I can practically feel the Cindy voodoo dolls being made and stuck with pins. Really who needs to have people want to speak to them at work anyway? :)

On other fronts, I have always tended to think snarky thoughts about women who complain about BCPs. I have just never had any trouble with them. Karma is now biting me in the ass. I. am. evil. and. moody. For instance J was all cheerful this morning as she took care of the dogs and fed the cats. She had the unmitigated gall to MAKE NOISE and TALK to me! I had to fight the urge to tell her to "shut up!" Really? How crazy can I be? And even as mean as I am, J is being sweet and loving. She hugs me and kisses me and says how pretty I look. I almost judge her for loving me at this point.

Did I mention that I am taking more Lupron than ever before? The needles are tiny but the first shot stung like a tiny little wasp on my arm. And it kept stinging for about an hour. Eek. Not to mention the headaches that have come on with the Lupron. Egads. I am working really hard to channel my inner happy place but frankly, I am a serious hormonal grump!

What do I think?

I have been reading about early pregnancy foods to eat and foods to avoid. J and I are seriously trying to schedule a time to paint the nursery. As I was canning green beans last night, J asked if we should can more than normal this year, since we will be a larger family (of course then she realized that it will pretty much be next summer before anyone can be born). As I read Best When Used By's early pregnancy fears (totally normal) I tried to give myself a stern talk about how to best get through those early days. And as I looked at An Offering of Love's recent baby belly (beautiful!), I could totally imagine myself that pregnant.

So yeah, I think this donor egg cycle is going to work. I am fearful of course. But at some point I realized that I can't take a step forward until I find enough faith to believe the step will work. I am simply not a roll the dice and see what happens person anymore. So I am hanging out with Hope and she is whispering the sweetest things in my ear right now.

Cycle tally:
roughly 2 more weeks of BCP to take.
Z-pak finished- wicked yeast infection initiated (sorry TMI)
Lupron shots begin in T-6 days.

Bitter pill

Sometimes I think I have completely dealt with an issue only to find that the issue still has some power over me. I find these moments of self-insight frustrating beyond words. For instance I know that the world is not fair. I know that many families who do not want or need to be parents will easily have children. I know that women who are completely physically, emotionally and financially prepared to be parents will never get that chance. I know that there is no real rhyme or reason to who gets pregnant how quickly. I know. I know. I know that TTC is not fair. Sometimes though I still struggle to accept the unfairness of this process.

Remember my friend A, who I wrote about a couple of months ago? She is my long-term friend who is 39 and recently decided to try to have a child. She refused to take any fertility drugs and began IUI's. She was honestly a bit smug about her chances of conceiving, saying "Women in my family are always fertile." I wished her well but had my doubts. Yeah, we all know where this is going. She called me yesterday. Her second IUI attempt was successful. She is pregnant.

I have now been lapped by older women who only recently woke up and though "Oh, I think I might try to be a mom now." The lack of fairness is a bitter pill this weekend. I have done 3 IVF cycles... no baby. J has done 5 IUIs...no baby. J has done 3 at home insems... no baby. We have spent many thousands of dollars we do not have. We have cried more tears than we thought we could hold and we have prayed with such intensity. Now we have even given up on own own DNA. It feels as though we have put in our time and my friend A hasn't. I can't help but think of a post by the egg dance some months back when she listed all the people she thought would become pregnant before she does. To name a few, she listed men, extinct animals, and her neutered pets. For my own personal list, I would like to add every freaking female I ever knew, even the ones who said that they did not want children!

BTW: a part of me is really happy for her since I would never wish infertility upon anyone.