Bitter pill

Sometimes I think I have completely dealt with an issue only to find that the issue still has some power over me. I find these moments of self-insight frustrating beyond words. For instance I know that the world is not fair. I know that many families who do not want or need to be parents will easily have children. I know that women who are completely physically, emotionally and financially prepared to be parents will never get that chance. I know that there is no real rhyme or reason to who gets pregnant how quickly. I know. I know. I know that TTC is not fair. Sometimes though I still struggle to accept the unfairness of this process.

Remember my friend A, who I wrote about a couple of months ago? She is my long-term friend who is 39 and recently decided to try to have a child. She refused to take any fertility drugs and began IUI's. She was honestly a bit smug about her chances of conceiving, saying "Women in my family are always fertile." I wished her well but had my doubts. Yeah, we all know where this is going. She called me yesterday. Her second IUI attempt was successful. She is pregnant.

I have now been lapped by older women who only recently woke up and though "Oh, I think I might try to be a mom now." The lack of fairness is a bitter pill this weekend. I have done 3 IVF cycles... no baby. J has done 5 IUIs...no baby. J has done 3 at home insems... no baby. We have spent many thousands of dollars we do not have. We have cried more tears than we thought we could hold and we have prayed with such intensity. Now we have even given up on own own DNA. It feels as though we have put in our time and my friend A hasn't. I can't help but think of a post by the egg dance some months back when she listed all the people she thought would become pregnant before she does. To name a few, she listed men, extinct animals, and her neutered pets. For my own personal list, I would like to add every freaking female I ever knew, even the ones who said that they did not want children!

BTW: a part of me is really happy for her since I would never wish infertility upon anyone.

Bitter Infertile

That's me! Today I am a bitter infertile in the land of the happy, oblivious fertiles. I struggle to find and maintain my happy place and to find the lessons that this journey has to offer, but today I am feeling bitter and broken.

My sister and mother openly talk about how easy getting pregnant was. And every cycle I attempt, they tell me how fertile our family is so "of course you'll get pregnant." (They also told me that our family does not have a history of miscarriage so I should be fine ---clearly that did not work our so well for me.) I cannot seem to get my family to understand how very hard TTC has been for HJ and I.

And I have these massive mixed emotions about HJ getting pregnant. Every month that our insemination attempts do not work is a disappointment for me (and for her). But at the same time, I still have a lingering concern that I might feel jealous watching her have a pregnancy when I really really want one... yet at the same time, I hope she is fertile because I want a child. This whole thought process makes my head hurt.

Lastly HJ and I have this recurrent semi-argument because she worries that my mother (and family) might not treat a child she carries as well as they will treat a child I carry. The whole topic puts me in a crazy tight spot. 1) I love everyone involved and want to make peace 2) I wonder the same thing but just cannot know the answer until we live it 3) I don't even know if I can carry a baby to term so the whole idea may be a mute point. Every time we have this conversation, I generally shut down as I simply do not know what else to say at this point. stress, stress, stress

Tomorrow I will decorate for Christmas, bake cookies and wrap presents (and likely drink some more wine we got from the Bilt.more winery). Hopefully I will be able to post as a festive infertile at the end of the day.

Oh yeah, HJ took a hpt today and we got a single pink line.... probably just as well since her day 21 progesterone was only 10 (and an 11.5 is needed for a healthy pg). Next month we are doing an IUI with our known donor (Big Daddy) at Dr. Pal's office. We will give this a few months then will likely begin using an RE for HJ also. RE's attention to detail is much better than that of regular OBGYNs.