Sometimes I think I have completely dealt with an issue only to find that the issue still has some power over me. I find these moments of self-insight frustrating beyond words. For instance I know that the world is not fair. I know that many families who do not want or need to be parents will easily have children. I know that women who are completely physically, emotionally and financially prepared to be parents will never get that chance. I know that there is no real rhyme or reason to who gets pregnant how quickly. I know. I know. I know that TTC is not fair. Sometimes though I still struggle to accept the unfairness of this process.
Remember my friend A, who I wrote about a couple of months ago? She is my long-term friend who is 39 and recently decided to try to have a child. She refused to take any fertility drugs and began IUI's. She was honestly a bit smug about her chances of conceiving, saying "Women in my family are always fertile." I wished her well but had my doubts. Yeah, we all know where this is going. She called me yesterday. Her second IUI attempt was successful. She is pregnant.
I have now been lapped by older women who only recently woke up and though "Oh, I think I might try to be a mom now." The lack of fairness is a bitter pill this weekend. I have done 3 IVF cycles... no baby. J has done 5 IUIs...no baby. J has done 3 at home insems... no baby. We have spent many thousands of dollars we do not have. We have cried more tears than we thought we could hold and we have prayed with such intensity. Now we have even given up on own own DNA. It feels as though we have put in our time and my friend A hasn't. I can't help but think of a post by the egg dance some months back when she listed all the people she thought would become pregnant before she does. To name a few, she listed men, extinct animals, and her neutered pets. For my own personal list, I would like to add every freaking female I ever knew, even the ones who said that they did not want children!
BTW: a part of me is really happy for her since I would never wish infertility upon anyone.
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label rant. Show all posts
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
No more plans
I have been struggling with how to write this post because I realize that I am blogging such sadness and frustration lately.... for that matter I suppose I have been feeling sad and frustrated lately. This is just not who I am. I am engaging and active and funny and a good friend... all sorts of nice things, but I am not sure that most people can see that lately. I am in the TTC slump... the waiting place where nothing ever really happens. I have been thinking that J and I need to make a way to take our lives back from the Constant Disappointment Monster.
Edited paragraph: Today, Monday, is CD 1 for J so no luck with the IUI this month. Also we found out that the bank we use has been having problems with the exact prefix donor vials we used for this IUI. Remember that the lab lady did not check for swimmers. So I am thinking that J would have had the same chance of getting pg this month if we had just stayed home with a bottle of wine and some Marvib Gaye CD's.
On Friday we met with the Big Business Fertility Clinic. The RE (Dr BB) looked at my lady business (because that phrase makes me laugh) and said that she can't see any reason I am not getting pregnant. Nice, and the same thing that 3 other RE's have said before doing a cycle with me. However after seeing me actually cycle, they say that I am a poor responder and have poor egg quality. At this point, J's face is getting red (bad sign) because it is clear that Dr BB does not recall the options she and J talked about at J's last visit. With some prompting, we see the light bulb come on and the Dr starts talking about the options that might actually work. Donor embryos with a success rate of about 40% but significantly cheaper that a full IVF cycle, donor eggs from young women, with a success rate of 50-60% and still cheaper than a full IVF or using J's eggs for me, unknown success rate and most expensive option. Last option.... wait for it.... IUIs for me... really WTF?! 3 failed IVFs and several others REs saying that IUIs might work if we had years to do monthly IUIs. Really, my egg quality is not getting any better and I am not getting any younger. Even at best case scenario, 50% of my eggs are poor quality with my age, and history has shown that my eggs are not best case scenario. We say that we will bypass spending $1000 per month for IUIs indefinitely and will choose an option with better odds.
We chose to use donor eggs. We were filled with positive feelings about our choice. We chose to cycle next month as the donor egg program is only going to be cheap for about another month or 2 because they are trying to show good success then will increase the price to a more "competitive range." We left Dr BB's office laughing and talking about how this would all work and how we could move money around to make the cycle work so quickly. Then the RE's office called to say not to get the blood work because they are low on donor eggs. They will staff our case Monday and let us know. J and I were so overwhelmed and sad at this point. We were going in a direction that felt like success only to have the rug pulled out from under us, again.
So now we wait. We wait to see what the staffing finds. If they won't give us donor eggs, we are not doing donor embryos--- not good enough success there as the embryos are from all aged women. We will likely do an IVF cycle with J and use her eggs for both of us. Expensive and we will need to save for a few months. Perhaps we could do that cycle in August. Maybe, sort of, we'll see. No plans: I just cannot kid myself that I have any real control over this baby-making situation.
See another entry ends in sadness and frustration. This is not the story I want to write about my life.
Edited paragraph: Today, Monday, is CD 1 for J so no luck with the IUI this month. Also we found out that the bank we use has been having problems with the exact prefix donor vials we used for this IUI. Remember that the lab lady did not check for swimmers. So I am thinking that J would have had the same chance of getting pg this month if we had just stayed home with a bottle of wine and some Marvib Gaye CD's.
On Friday we met with the Big Business Fertility Clinic. The RE (Dr BB) looked at my lady business (because that phrase makes me laugh) and said that she can't see any reason I am not getting pregnant. Nice, and the same thing that 3 other RE's have said before doing a cycle with me. However after seeing me actually cycle, they say that I am a poor responder and have poor egg quality. At this point, J's face is getting red (bad sign) because it is clear that Dr BB does not recall the options she and J talked about at J's last visit. With some prompting, we see the light bulb come on and the Dr starts talking about the options that might actually work. Donor embryos with a success rate of about 40% but significantly cheaper that a full IVF cycle, donor eggs from young women, with a success rate of 50-60% and still cheaper than a full IVF or using J's eggs for me, unknown success rate and most expensive option. Last option.... wait for it.... IUIs for me... really WTF?! 3 failed IVFs and several others REs saying that IUIs might work if we had years to do monthly IUIs. Really, my egg quality is not getting any better and I am not getting any younger. Even at best case scenario, 50% of my eggs are poor quality with my age, and history has shown that my eggs are not best case scenario. We say that we will bypass spending $1000 per month for IUIs indefinitely and will choose an option with better odds.
We chose to use donor eggs. We were filled with positive feelings about our choice. We chose to cycle next month as the donor egg program is only going to be cheap for about another month or 2 because they are trying to show good success then will increase the price to a more "competitive range." We left Dr BB's office laughing and talking about how this would all work and how we could move money around to make the cycle work so quickly. Then the RE's office called to say not to get the blood work because they are low on donor eggs. They will staff our case Monday and let us know. J and I were so overwhelmed and sad at this point. We were going in a direction that felt like success only to have the rug pulled out from under us, again.
So now we wait. We wait to see what the staffing finds. If they won't give us donor eggs, we are not doing donor embryos--- not good enough success there as the embryos are from all aged women. We will likely do an IVF cycle with J and use her eggs for both of us. Expensive and we will need to save for a few months. Perhaps we could do that cycle in August. Maybe, sort of, we'll see. No plans: I just cannot kid myself that I have any real control over this baby-making situation.
See another entry ends in sadness and frustration. This is not the story I want to write about my life.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
More dumb things people say
I think most TTCers have experienced people who make seriously insensitive comments. I seem to store up the comments and ruminate about them.
This week, one of my employees was talking about how her grandson has gotten too old to hunt Easter eggs. So she pointedly said to me, "You need to hurry up and have a baby for us to hide eggs for." My response, " Well B, that's not going so well."
At my last therapy appointment (as in last ever with that woman), my therapist asked me if I could see my miscarriage for the blessing it is. I know her thought process here but I hardly see losing my only real chance at a biological child as a "blessing."
Not long ago my mom suggested that "We'll just have to see what God's will is" about my TTC efforts. In her WASPy way, she was implying that I am throwing away our money because God does not want J and I to have a child. Thanks Mom. I am all warm just feeling your complete support.
Lastly, I was speaking with an old friend. She asked about our baby making efforts and I told her. She said, "Have you ever thought about adoption?" My internal response, "Adoption? What's that? Never heard of it before! You mean that J and I can just get a newborn baby tomorrow without intense heartache? Well sign me up!" My external response, "Kinda."
This week, one of my employees was talking about how her grandson has gotten too old to hunt Easter eggs. So she pointedly said to me, "You need to hurry up and have a baby for us to hide eggs for." My response, " Well B, that's not going so well."
At my last therapy appointment (as in last ever with that woman), my therapist asked me if I could see my miscarriage for the blessing it is. I know her thought process here but I hardly see losing my only real chance at a biological child as a "blessing."
Not long ago my mom suggested that "We'll just have to see what God's will is" about my TTC efforts. In her WASPy way, she was implying that I am throwing away our money because God does not want J and I to have a child. Thanks Mom. I am all warm just feeling your complete support.
Lastly, I was speaking with an old friend. She asked about our baby making efforts and I told her. She said, "Have you ever thought about adoption?" My internal response, "Adoption? What's that? Never heard of it before! You mean that J and I can just get a newborn baby tomorrow without intense heartache? Well sign me up!" My external response, "Kinda."
Sunday, March 15, 2009
The things people say..
Today's entry was almost titled "Another @sshole Comment" but that did not look very nice in the title line. :)
Background: J and I have a group of friends we have known 3 years or less, since we moved to this state but we also have a group of old friends we are very close with.
Up until now the response to IVF #3 from my old solid friend group has been..... nothing. No calls, no texts, no emails, not even facebook! Mostly, I have given them the benefit of the doubt. D is in medschool and K is having relationship issues, etc.
However K called yesterday. We talked about her car wreck (bad). We talked about her relationship (rocky). We talked about her job and volunteering. After an hour, she asked how I am doing. I was honest and said that I am pretty wrecked right now. She responded that she just knew that I would get pregnant and have a baby soon. She did not doubt it. I explained the craptastic quality of my eggs and that J and I have some grieving to do around this whole issue. She says that she is in the same boat and she understands. Get this: she has been THINKING about trying to get pregnant and has lined up a known donor. She not really made up her mind to try at this point but she acknowledges that she is getting older. So in her mind, we are in the same place emotionally. Also, she is a therapist. I really expected better. At this point I shut up and seethed.
Let's compare:
ME
been trying for almost 2 years
intense testing
1 miscarriage
2 failed IVFs
daily painful injections
intense emotional letdown
have verified poor quality eggs and PCOS
spent the equivalent of a Lexus in the past year in trying to have a baby
K
has been considering TTC
has a known donor
has spent no money
has experienced no pain around the issue
So yeah, we are just the same. She just doesn't get it and I don't know that I have the energy to explain for her.
.
Background: J and I have a group of friends we have known 3 years or less, since we moved to this state but we also have a group of old friends we are very close with.
Up until now the response to IVF #3 from my old solid friend group has been..... nothing. No calls, no texts, no emails, not even facebook! Mostly, I have given them the benefit of the doubt. D is in medschool and K is having relationship issues, etc.
However K called yesterday. We talked about her car wreck (bad). We talked about her relationship (rocky). We talked about her job and volunteering. After an hour, she asked how I am doing. I was honest and said that I am pretty wrecked right now. She responded that she just knew that I would get pregnant and have a baby soon. She did not doubt it. I explained the craptastic quality of my eggs and that J and I have some grieving to do around this whole issue. She says that she is in the same boat and she understands. Get this: she has been THINKING about trying to get pregnant and has lined up a known donor. She not really made up her mind to try at this point but she acknowledges that she is getting older. So in her mind, we are in the same place emotionally. Also, she is a therapist. I really expected better. At this point I shut up and seethed.
Let's compare:
ME
been trying for almost 2 years
intense testing
1 miscarriage
2 failed IVFs
daily painful injections
intense emotional letdown
have verified poor quality eggs and PCOS
spent the equivalent of a Lexus in the past year in trying to have a baby
K
has been considering TTC
has a known donor
has spent no money
has experienced no pain around the issue
So yeah, we are just the same. She just doesn't get it and I don't know that I have the energy to explain for her.
.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Bitter Infertile
That's me! Today I am a bitter infertile in the land of the happy, oblivious fertiles. I struggle to find and maintain my happy place and to find the lessons that this journey has to offer, but today I am feeling bitter and broken.
My sister and mother openly talk about how easy getting pregnant was. And every cycle I attempt, they tell me how fertile our family is so "of course you'll get pregnant." (They also told me that our family does not have a history of miscarriage so I should be fine ---clearly that did not work our so well for me.) I cannot seem to get my family to understand how very hard TTC has been for HJ and I.
And I have these massive mixed emotions about HJ getting pregnant. Every month that our insemination attempts do not work is a disappointment for me (and for her). But at the same time, I still have a lingering concern that I might feel jealous watching her have a pregnancy when I really really want one... yet at the same time, I hope she is fertile because I want a child. This whole thought process makes my head hurt.
Lastly HJ and I have this recurrent semi-argument because she worries that my mother (and family) might not treat a child she carries as well as they will treat a child I carry. The whole topic puts me in a crazy tight spot. 1) I love everyone involved and want to make peace 2) I wonder the same thing but just cannot know the answer until we live it 3) I don't even know if I can carry a baby to term so the whole idea may be a mute point. Every time we have this conversation, I generally shut down as I simply do not know what else to say at this point. stress, stress, stress
Tomorrow I will decorate for Christmas, bake cookies and wrap presents (and likely drink some more wine we got from the Bilt.more winery). Hopefully I will be able to post as a festive infertile at the end of the day.
Oh yeah, HJ took a hpt today and we got a single pink line.... probably just as well since her day 21 progesterone was only 10 (and an 11.5 is needed for a healthy pg). Next month we are doing an IUI with our known donor (Big Daddy) at Dr. Pal's office. We will give this a few months then will likely begin using an RE for HJ also. RE's attention to detail is much better than that of regular OBGYNs.
My sister and mother openly talk about how easy getting pregnant was. And every cycle I attempt, they tell me how fertile our family is so "of course you'll get pregnant." (They also told me that our family does not have a history of miscarriage so I should be fine ---clearly that did not work our so well for me.) I cannot seem to get my family to understand how very hard TTC has been for HJ and I.
And I have these massive mixed emotions about HJ getting pregnant. Every month that our insemination attempts do not work is a disappointment for me (and for her). But at the same time, I still have a lingering concern that I might feel jealous watching her have a pregnancy when I really really want one... yet at the same time, I hope she is fertile because I want a child. This whole thought process makes my head hurt.
Lastly HJ and I have this recurrent semi-argument because she worries that my mother (and family) might not treat a child she carries as well as they will treat a child I carry. The whole topic puts me in a crazy tight spot. 1) I love everyone involved and want to make peace 2) I wonder the same thing but just cannot know the answer until we live it 3) I don't even know if I can carry a baby to term so the whole idea may be a mute point. Every time we have this conversation, I generally shut down as I simply do not know what else to say at this point. stress, stress, stress
Tomorrow I will decorate for Christmas, bake cookies and wrap presents (and likely drink some more wine we got from the Bilt.more winery). Hopefully I will be able to post as a festive infertile at the end of the day.
Oh yeah, HJ took a hpt today and we got a single pink line.... probably just as well since her day 21 progesterone was only 10 (and an 11.5 is needed for a healthy pg). Next month we are doing an IUI with our known donor (Big Daddy) at Dr. Pal's office. We will give this a few months then will likely begin using an RE for HJ also. RE's attention to detail is much better than that of regular OBGYNs.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
And WE aren't fit to be parents!?
Caution: I am feeling very irritated so the following post will reflect that sentiment!!
Tonight HJ and I had the unfortunate experience of going to a "big box" store with a snackbar-- where we decided to share a pretzel and an iced tea. As we sat in a booth, we noticed a large variety of poor parenting. One dirty young man, who I will fondly call TSOS (the spawn of satan), was of particular interest to us. He ran to the soda dispenser and wasted several quarts of cola as his father sat and silently watched him. HJ and I stared openly at Spawn and his father until the brain trust father finally got uncomfortable and told his spawn to stop. HJ and I were hooked on the show: it was like a train wreck we could not look away from! Then the boy ate some pizza with a messiness I did not know was even possible. And the grand finale was when the boy began spitting on the floor!! Again HJ and I gaped with disdain! Now the brain trust father did tell his spawn to stop and even cleaned up the floor. It appears that the father was now using his very best parenting skills!! As the family got up to leave, the boy again ran to the soda machine to waste more liquid. The father did yell at the boy and the boy decided to stop after about an minute but he was in no hurry as he know that there would be no consequences from his sloth-like father. Did I mention that the boy was at least 8 years old?
We witnessed a wealth of other poor parenting examples in addition to coatless pregnant teens in flip flops. But truly the spawn and his sloth-like brain-trust father were our favorites. We left in a huff, talking about the general decision-making skills of the higher power that decides who does and does not get to become parents. I know that this is a bad path to explore and I try to avoid it....but here I am again.
Perhaps tomorrow I will post about something I am thankful for.
Tonight HJ and I had the unfortunate experience of going to a "big box" store with a snackbar-- where we decided to share a pretzel and an iced tea. As we sat in a booth, we noticed a large variety of poor parenting. One dirty young man, who I will fondly call TSOS (the spawn of satan), was of particular interest to us. He ran to the soda dispenser and wasted several quarts of cola as his father sat and silently watched him. HJ and I stared openly at Spawn and his father until the brain trust father finally got uncomfortable and told his spawn to stop. HJ and I were hooked on the show: it was like a train wreck we could not look away from! Then the boy ate some pizza with a messiness I did not know was even possible. And the grand finale was when the boy began spitting on the floor!! Again HJ and I gaped with disdain! Now the brain trust father did tell his spawn to stop and even cleaned up the floor. It appears that the father was now using his very best parenting skills!! As the family got up to leave, the boy again ran to the soda machine to waste more liquid. The father did yell at the boy and the boy decided to stop after about an minute but he was in no hurry as he know that there would be no consequences from his sloth-like father. Did I mention that the boy was at least 8 years old?
We witnessed a wealth of other poor parenting examples in addition to coatless pregnant teens in flip flops. But truly the spawn and his sloth-like brain-trust father were our favorites. We left in a huff, talking about the general decision-making skills of the higher power that decides who does and does not get to become parents. I know that this is a bad path to explore and I try to avoid it....but here I am again.
Perhaps tomorrow I will post about something I am thankful for.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
