Slapdash

My thoughts are a bit scattered of late. I am having trouble creating a cohesive post so please peruse my bulletty thoughts.

• We are snowed in here at home. I live in TN: I thought snow was an element from my past. I would still go about my life, except that TN snow seems to only come in conjunction with ICE. So, we are piled up in bed with the dogs.
• Joey and I were talking about her cycle and I asked when she stops taking her birth control pills. Her answer, "In another month." Me: "wha?" Her: "Yes, I have a whole other pack." Me: "But you only take a couple more." Her: "You sure?" Me: "YES!!"  It seems that she was planning to take BCPs all through her entire cycle if I had not asked. The schedule provided by our nurse says that Joey stops BCPs on Monday.
• I was watching a show where a woman was acting as a surrogate for her sister. All very sweet. Joey came in at the part where the surrogate was in labor and it went badly. The surrogate had to have a csection and had to be completely out while that happened. Joey said, "That looks good. Can I do that? I can just wake up and meet the baby or babies. You'll be there." I could not even respond.
• I am a champ at giving Lupron shots.
• I had a moment in a store a few days ago. I saw baby shirts that had cutesy comments on them about loving their moms and such. I wanted to buy one. ALOT. I was really and unconsciously optimistic about this cycle. The thought that ran through my head was, "Should I buy one or two of those shirts? If I bought 2 then even if we don't have twins, the baby has an extra shirt." Then I stopped short, I felt with great certainty as though Joey will get pregnant with this cycle. While the moment of clear hope was intoxicating, it. terrified. me. I really really want this cycle to work and I am somewhat optimistic or I would not have agreed to try. BUT- the thought of another let-down, another grieving process makes my blood run cold.
• The gym and I are becoming more close. This week had several things that got in the way of my ability to get in a workout (real reasons like a coworker's evening funeral, a surprise report and a snowstorm) and I actually missed going. This has to be progress.
• I also bought a ton of books not related to trying to make a baby and I have been reading them.
• All the changes in my life and daily routine reminded me of an email I received from one of my best friends years ago after my 7+ year relationship ended. I had asked her what I should do and who I should be when we were in the middle of a teary phone call. Her response was to send an email listing all the things we sometimes forget to do while we are putting our time and energy into being part of a poorly functioning WE. Her prescriptions were simple: do the things that make you who you are. Watch movies only you would want to see. Read books that are meaningful to you. Take long walks. Spend extra time meditating. Buy something pretty. etc etc. I find myself returning to her advice now. I do go to the gym by and for myself. I have bought and am reading a ton of new books. I cook healthy meals either Joey will eat or will not. I rent independent films. I have bought some new jewelry. I spend time completing a loving kindness meditation and I think I am finding myself more at ease with this life.
• Yes, the sadness about my likely lack of ability to carry does find me at unexpected moments but I am finding ways to banish that melancholy.

A fairy story

Once upon a time two lovely lesbians princesses paid for their first donor egg cycle and filled out mounds and mounds of paperwork. As they completed that cycle (a long long time ago), they read in the paperwork that ICED cycles (frozen donor egg cycles) could provide UP TO eight eggs with the intent being at least 2-3 embryos to transfer. The princesses were wearing their rose-colored glasses and paid no attention to small details such as “up to.” However when their rose-colored glasses were unceremoniously removed by the BFN monster, the princesses found that they had only been given 6 eggs from their first donor (because she was a “proven” donor). Therefore when Dr Fairy Godmother offered another cycle for mere pixie dust, the princesses cautiously broached the egg count issue, not wanting to look ungrateful. The Dr Fairy Godmother was kind and understanding but elusive on this point. Apparently Dr Fairy Godmother had to make such decisions only after consulting with the other godmothers and godfathers.



Then yesterday, the princesses received a message through the magic mirror (sometimes called email) that the fairy counsel agreed that the somewhat desperate princesses could have 8 eggs. The mirror also relayed that the eggs were successfully transitioned for Princess Cindy’s name into Princess Joey’s name (always a relief because Southern Far Away can be a bit homophobic).

Yep, eight potential ice babies are waiting for us in the cooler.

Setting the record straight

Joey and I have returned home from our trip back home. I have thought about you all and the internet break has been odd. I could only even get a signal to my I.phone intermittently. Frustrating to say the least. So Merry Belated Christmas (Hannukah) to everyone.

So you may recall that Thanksgiving was dedicated to Joey's family this year; therefore, Christmas was dedicated to my family. You may also recall that I was less than flattering about her family while I described my own family in glowing terms. I think I should even things out a bit. The LONG visit with my family has allowed me to recall their issues. Hop on board and I will share some of my "favorite" moments from the holidays.

•  My mother asked me for input on dinner the first night we were there. I made several suggestions- not one of which did she use.
• My mother has no idea how to tell a story or indeed what an interesting/amusing story IS. At one point I considered jumping out of the car to escape her fascinating story about the recent community worship service. No no, she didn't talk about the message or the music. She recanted the name of each church who participated, listed their denominations, presented each person whom she saw and then recanted the SMALL TALK she had with people who were there.
• My parents get on an actual rant when they talk about all the many social programs their church offers the needy.... not flattering.
• My family are all republicans. Eeek.
• My father watches television at a volume only slightly quieter than a heavy metal concert.
• My mother sees no reason why she should not attempt to talk over the television noise.
• My mother has no idea how to show concern. As I was litterally doubled over with cramps at her house (yes, good times), she began an endless list of questions about my cycle. It was rather like the menstrual inquisition.

All that aside, we actually had quite a good time and Christmas is always fun. Some highlights include watching the entire family attempt to play the AC/DC drum set/ Rock.band game we gave my nephew for Christmas, enjoying a lovely meal with the entire family and just spending time with everyone. I am amazed and pleased to see how my neices and nephew are growing up. Not to mention some serious swag, Joey and I received. But I am oh, so glad to be home. In fact within an hour of walking in the door of our house, Joey and I had taken down the tree and returned to normal life. Ahhhh, can you hear the sweet sound of silence?

Yes, I also have been giving thought to my currently non-functional uterus. I go back and forth on that one. Some moments I find my zen then other times I just find the grief. Moment by moment, right? I am certain that a post on ths issue will form soon. But that is an issue for another day.