A fairy story

Once upon a time two lovely lesbians princesses paid for their first donor egg cycle and filled out mounds and mounds of paperwork. As they completed that cycle (a long long time ago), they read in the paperwork that ICED cycles (frozen donor egg cycles) could provide UP TO eight eggs with the intent being at least 2-3 embryos to transfer. The princesses were wearing their rose-colored glasses and paid no attention to small details such as “up to.” However when their rose-colored glasses were unceremoniously removed by the BFN monster, the princesses found that they had only been given 6 eggs from their first donor (because she was a “proven” donor). Therefore when Dr Fairy Godmother offered another cycle for mere pixie dust, the princesses cautiously broached the egg count issue, not wanting to look ungrateful. The Dr Fairy Godmother was kind and understanding but elusive on this point. Apparently Dr Fairy Godmother had to make such decisions only after consulting with the other godmothers and godfathers.



Then yesterday, the princesses received a message through the magic mirror (sometimes called email) that the fairy counsel agreed that the somewhat desperate princesses could have 8 eggs. The mirror also relayed that the eggs were successfully transitioned for Princess Cindy’s name into Princess Joey’s name (always a relief because Southern Far Away can be a bit homophobic).

Yep, eight potential ice babies are waiting for us in the cooler.

Things I know now

J talked to the nurse who has the most contact with the donors at our clinic. We got a bit more information about the donor's physical characteristics and some details about her personality as well. The nurse said that our donor "lights up the room when she enters" and described her as funny and outgoing. I love those characteristics. The donor is 21 years old and is considered the clinic's "best" egg producer. The nurse also said that every cycle with our donor's eggs have resulted in a pregnancy (either immediately or through FET). Last piece of information: more than 50% of the pregnancies have been twins. Exciting and scary all at the same time!! Now that twins might be a real option, the thought is frightening due to all the complications that can come with twins. Holy stomach butterflies Batman!

A few people have asked some questions about my cycle, which must be confusing to people not in the midst of my craziness. So please allow me to explain. I am using frozen donor eggs. The donor goes through a cycle specifically to produce frozen eggs or gets paid to go through a fresh donor cycle with someone else (tres expensive!). The original egg recipient gets a total of 12 eggs then any additional eggs are frozen. The women getting the frozen donor eggs are given up to 8 eggs (at least enough to create 2-3 embryos). The success rates with frozen donor eggs is roughly the same as with a fresh donor egg cycle- 60% or better. The benefits of a frozen egg cycle are 1) the cycles of donor and recipient do not need to be synchronized and 2) less expense since the donor can provide for multiple people at the same time. The eggs are frozen immediately after egg retrieval then are thawed when the recipient is ready. The eggs are then fertilized and allowed to culture for a 3 day transfer. And 2 weeks later the recipient (ME) gets a positive beta!!!

So yeah, yesterday's melancholy seems to have left and the hope is rolling back in.

Out of the starting gate

I am having serious difficulty creating any sort of post in which I talk about the schedule for my donor egg cycle. So sorry folks, the following is rather informative but really not very clever.

• I am now on BCP's. (always such an irony)
• At the end of this week I add a Z pak.
• August 10, Begin Lupron injections.
• August 20, Begin Estradiol injections.
• August 31, Last suppression check and Estradiol level taken.
• Sept 7, they thaw and fertilize my (donor) eggs.
• Sept 10, Embryo transfer!!!
• Various monitoring visits thrown in for good measure and a mock embryo transfer sometime in August.
• Sept 20, I will take my 1st hpt--- if I have shown amazing self-restraint.

I am feeling strangely calm about this cycle. I suppose I have great faith in young eggs and I just can't stand to think about how I will react if... you know. So la la la, I am NOT thinking about that. I am thinking happy thoughts and trying to decide if I am brave enough to paint the nursery.

Missing

I would like to place a missing *erm* person's report please. It's my aunt, Aunt Flo. She has gone missing. While normally she is something of an inconvenience because she likes to do things like drop by when I am unprepared or irritate me on a day I need to be cheerful. However, this month I have been waiting for her. I have set the stage for her arrival and many plans hang in the balance depending upon her arrival schedule. She did phone ahead on Monday, causing me endless frustration. She has decided to be something of a persnickety cuss and now she will not show herself. You see I usually see her about every 25-26 days. This time she has decided to make a grand late entrance when she KNOWS that I need to call CD1 into the RE's office.

What else have I been doing with my free time? Working on becoming a crazy cat lady. I still only have the 2 kittens, but now I talk to them and ABOUT them almost endlessly. J and I have become completely redundant. We must utter some version of the sentence, "Have you seen what Uggs/Ringo/they is(/are) doing right now?" Then we make up words to go with their actions and the thoughts we imagine them having. Sad really.

So yeah, my period needs to show up within the next 24-36 hours to keep us on schedule with our donor egg cycle. If AF does show up in a timely way, I should have some embryos in my body in early/mid September. Can I actually be excited to start taking shots again?
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My own tea cup

I love old Zen fables and I was reminded of one this weekend. I had to recall the story of the overflowing tea cup as I spent some time in the "dog kennel room." (For those of you who might not know the story, I have copied a very short version at the bottom of the post.)

I have been calling our third bedroom "the dog kennel room" since March 17, 2008 when I resolutely stopped calling it the nursery. I was wholly unprepared to have a miscarriage and I handled it in my way which was to grieve intensely for a short time then to lock the whole thing away. Out of sight, out of mind... sort of. So the dog kennels were placed in front of the boxed up baby furniture we lovingly chose and I left the kennels there for well over a year. I also started piling things in that room. Need a place for clothing waiting to be taken to Good.will? The padded glider seems the perfect spot. Too lazy to put the Christmas decorations in the attic? I've got the perfect spot. And on and on my process continued until the room was hardly recognizable as the room I once held in such high regard. I also kept the door closed. all.the.time. The metaphor is almost silly but it is so true.

However, this weekend I had to venture into the closet of the 3rd bedroom to find the ceiling paint and I had the "aha" moment. The room no longer holds overwhelming emotion for me. So I decided that I needed to make some space so that something new can fill it (namely a baby). I began cleaning. Decorations went into the attic. Trash was bagged up. Gently used items were offered new homes. I vacuumed and dusted and I hummed a happy song. The space feels lighter and I feel more free. I am even planning to paint with the lovely classic po.oh colors I chose long ago. The door is thrown open. Okay baby(ies), physically and emotionally, I am ready for you now!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - -

A Cup of Tea
Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era, received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen.
Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full, and then kept on pouring.
The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. “It is overfull. No more will go in!”
“Like this cup,” Nan-in said, “you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”

Reserved some eggs today!

Today J and I went to the Big Business Fertility Clinic and we were able to choose our egg donor! Yay. It feels as though we are finally on the road to having a baby. What is this strange pleasant feeling infusing my system: could it be fertility related optimism? Holy cow, I think it is!

So the story of the day goes like this. J and I met with *Amy* the egg donor lady. We signed a ton of forms. She let us look at 6 egg donor profiles we could choose from. She explained the egg donor process. She tried to send us home to think about our donor choice. We said, "Not so much. We will be making a choice and getting this ball rolling TODAY." She laughed and we made our choice. Our egg donor is 22 years old and she has 2 children. She is something of a rock star egg producer. She is tall with red hair and green eyes. I love our choice! The mixture of our sperm donor (dark hair and eyes) with our egg donor will be the most like J and I could have created together. I also love that we will likely get 8 eggs from the donor. They will transfer 2 embryos to me. Here's a really fun part: if we have more good embryos left over, they will be frozen for later use! I am not holding my breath for enough embies for an FET but it does sound like good news.

Then we were whisked away to the nurse who will actually work with our cycle. She is very nice and knowledgeable. She talked with us about what the schedule will look like. BCP followed by Lupron and Estradiol, lining checks, 3 day transfer and progesterone injections. I know it sounds like alot but I just kept thinking how much easier this will be than a full IVF cycle. It looks like we will bring our embryos home (inside me) at the end of August!!!!

Last stop: the check out desk for another bill. Cost of today's talks and scheduling, $140. Cost of getting us a baby: priceless.

Grade A eggs

I need a few good eggs. I am talking high quality specimens from a young baby-maker. Preferably, I would like about 10 eggs much like the one pictured to the left. This is just a visual reminder I found online, not an egg from my own ovaries. If it were my egg, it would be grainy and poor quality. But that is all okay now because J and I finally get an actual appointment with the egg lady "Amy" and the calendar lady"Jennifer" !! I am taking this step as a nice milestone since the clinic only let us have brief, entry level talks with Amy before (though expensive).

One week from tomorrow, J and I get to go to the big business clinic, talk cycle dates and look at donor profiles. If one suits us, then we get things rolling. Honestly 'healthy' is our only criteria at this point so I am thinking that we will pick out someone. J is just certain that all the clinic will have available is red-headed donors. She is a natural red and was teased unmercifully as a child. I, on the other hand, would LOVE a little red-headed baby.... or brunette, or blond, or whatever. I might burst from excitement. I am also sure that my fertile young friends will now be glad that I have some eggs on the way (potentially) so I can stop harassing them and offering money for their eggs. This is not even a joke.

And a little update: J called our pal the financial lady at the BB fertility clinic. Remember my earlier posted fears that we would get on the list then the super-low introductory price of donor eggs would end? Well that happened: the price has jumped to 3x the price we were quoted, as the pilot program has shown excellent success. The good news? We are the last couple on the list still being given the bargain basement pricing! That goodness, because after 3 IVF's our ability to creatively finance baby-making is rapidly nearing a close. Dare I say that something in the reproductive area seems to be working inour favor?

ambivalence

I am having a really tough time blogging lately. I am not sure why but I am guessing that I am having too many mixed emotions. The strange thing is that when I am nowhere near a computer, I think of things to blog about all the time.

So we met with Potential donor man. He was as nice as I recall and is very willing to be helpful. He is pretty hippy-ish. He has done this before and knows the drill. He got all his testing done (we paid) and we got a contract together. He signed and last night was the first insem with J. It all fell into place easily which I usually trust as a good sign. This time, not so much. I am just left with this weird inner icky feeling. I can't decide if I DON'T trust the known donor thing because it's too easy: if I am so attached to the donor egg thing that another path feels wrong: if I am just grossed out at how very close I am now to a rather random man's "essence": or some other things I can't put into words yet? I had to laugh at Olive's suggestion that our home insem attempts as we wait for donor eggs was a version of the "maybe if you just relax" idea. It felt like that to me but now that I am actually living this path, I am finding that the silly fun feeling about it is gone.

Oh, and I have called *amy* (head frozen donor egg lady) TWICE this week to find out our current place on the waiting list. She has not called me back yet. I only ask this question once a month, surely she does not find that frequency too pushy? UPDATE: Amy is on vacation this week. Kelly called me back. I cannot recall exactly who she is: embryo lady? overall coordinator? She said that we are FIRST on her list. Yippee!! She said that she has to talk with Amy on Monday and that the whole team will be staffing cases at the start of the week. She said she will call me Monday evening or Tuesday. She also said something about putting together profiles for us to choose from. I am so freaking excited I can't contain myself.

Impatient much?

In my real life, I am pretty focused and patient. BUT in my TTC life, I am a crazed maniac, which opens J and I up to a host of interesting possibilities. Enter our newest waiting-time adventure: we are in the negotiation stage with another known donor. In my mind, the donor eggs are still the sure bet but wouldn't it be amazing for J to end up pregnant with a few home imsem attempts?!! At least at home attempts will not cost us $1000 per month (donor material + monitoring + IUI = $1K).


How this all came into being: a friend of a friend mentioned that he had donated to some other lesbians in the past which resulted in an actual child. New sorta-known donor is quite laid back. He would like to be a part of the child's life in an uncle capacity and thus far he has expressed a willingness to sign over all his rights. (We have a large known-donor contract just for such occasions- which seem to occur with odd frequency.) He is gay but celibate and willing to do all the testing to put our minds at ease. This is an odd situation. We have dinner scheduled with Mr Potential tomorrow night to discuss in more detail. I'll keep you posted.

Just not feeling it

J called yesterday and the clinic said that the lovely Brazilian eggs have gone to another couple. We are so disappointed. I am not all that surprised but still...

Amy, the egg lady, said that we are now 4th on the overall list. I guess people who only want blonds are back on the list for the next go-round. So the good news is that our relative position has moved from 5th to 4th. But the bad news is that we still have longer to wait. J has all sorts of conspiracy theories but I think that we just have to wait longer.

Even as I write "just" wait longer, it feels too small a thing to say. I might as well say that we just need to count the grains of sand along the coast of Florida or say that we should just create world peace or that I should just run a marathon. This task is no longer small. It is enormous and overwhelming. I feel as though we have been waiting an eternity. In fact I don't feel a real connection to having a baby growing inside me at all right now. I want to imagine myself as a glowing mother feeling her baby kick and flip inside, feeling giddy with excitement, feeling complete. But what I feel right now is tired and doubt-filled. Can this dream ever happen for us?

I don't want to end this post as such a downer but this is where I am today.... just freaking waiting some more. What do you think... should we just do an IVF with J's eggs and as the carrying partner?
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Coming out to mom

Well sort of...

This weekend, J and I went to visit my parents. We had some very relaxed and pleasant days. Mom divided plants with me (a good thing with day lilies). We cooked tasty food and spent time with the whole family. We even drank excellent homemade margaritas.

Then at one point when we were alone, Mom fixed her gaze on me and said "So how are you doing really?" This was clearly a good time to come clean about the donor eggs if I ever planned to do so. My response: "Weeeellllll. much better now. We are moving in a bit of a new direction." I explained the whole donor egg thing and the process. Mom asked questions but mostly looked as though I was explaining that J and I plan to get married in matching Elvis costumes on Mars. She looked dumbstruck for several long moments then said "Well I support you no matter what you do." Then she launched into her newest theory that I did not get pregnant because the women in our family tend to go through early menopause. (This may sound cold but it is a serious step above telling me that it's "God's will.") She also compared the donor egg process to "adoption but better" (her words not mine!). She is trying to "get it," she really is. And I appreciate the effort, even as I shake my head and laugh.

Oh, and my cousin who is 1 year older than me had an announcement this weekend...... yep, she's pregnant. No money, unstable marriage, lack of career goals.... sigh, but still a good weekend.

on the mend

Barney sends deep appreciation for your concern. He has been working on creating a nice dependence upon the pain meds we are giving him. He spends most of the day gorked out sleeping on the couch. He periodically walks slowly outside but the only time he moves with any speed is when we go get his pill bottles. Then he will pick up his head, shake a bit and run into the kitchen wagging his tail. He is CRAZY about gree.nies pill pockets. He loves them and stands staring expectantly at us until we serve up his medication fix. His is such a cute little addict. And we are crazy moms who feel guilty for not being able to protect him. So we dote on him. He gets lots of special treats and extra pets. I think he'll be just fine.

On a TTC note.... la la la... still waiting on donor eggs. The treatment team at the RE's office meets on Tuesday to make a final decision about where we are on the list. I will take prayers, positive vibes, baby dust, crossed fingers or any other helpful things you can send out into the universe.

happy dance

J called *Amy* (the egg donor coordinator) today and we got good news! Amy said that we are second and potentially first in line for donor eggs. Amy said that the available eggs are from a lovely, funny young woman of Brazilian descent with dark hair and eyes and golden skin.

My heart sings when I think about that. I think maybe just having any description makes the frozen egg babies more real. I am pretty sure that I would be just as excited about a Scandinavian artist egg donor. Or a red-headed flute player with cat allergies. Or, you get the picture.

J also apologized for calling and Amy replied that she knows people are really ready to use donor material when they are concerned enough to be advocates for themselves.

This could really happen... soon! And now I have to change *Amy's* sound in my head. She has been so kind and seems to be helping us out. No more snarky Amy sound., but what do I replace snarky with?

Honeysuckle thoughts

As I got out of my car at work this morning I was stopped in my tracks by a smell. While normally smells that make me take notice are NOT a good way to start the day, the smell this morning was intoxicating. Honeysuckle! To me the smell of honeysuckle is the very embodiment of summer. It brings to mind images of sun, swimming, cookouts and falling in love. My response to the smell of honeysuckle is intense and visceral. It also makes me think of sex. The kind of sweet sex you have when you are in the I-am-so-freaking-in-love that my nerves may actually jump out of my body. Honeysuckle reminds me of that young love feeling when I felt as though I had to touch the object of my affection or I would simply die of love sickness. Innocent, fun love when we used to sneak away with a blanket, a bottle of wine and simply find a sunny secluded spot. These are lovely memories and a wonderful way to start the day.

The smell was so strong and sweet that I decided to take a few pictures as show-and-tell. So I retrieved my camera, hopped out of my car, put my face very near the blossoms, inhaled then actually focused and took some photos. I looked at the images on my camera screen and thought how beautiful the flowers look. Then I had to laugh. The honeysuckle grows in a messy cluster atop and through a defeated chain-length fence that stands in separation of my parking lot and nearby train tracks. The view from 1 step back is not so pretty. I decided to take a picture of that view as well but the picture does not do justice to the reality of the situation. Even the picture smooths away the rough edges. The picture certainly cannot convey the immensity of the noise from the trains and the unhappiness of the whole scene.

These pictures felt metaphoric to me. I think life is like this. When we zoom in, we can find wondrous beauty in everyday parts of life, which connects us with other fantastic memories from the past. But when we back up and look at the whole landscape while we are in the middle of it, our outlook is bleak. We see all the parts that need repair. It gets easy to focus on the icky parts and miss out on the small glimpses of lovely which we could give thanks for. Then when the period is passed and we look back though the filter of time, the edges are softened. We think, "Meh, that wasn't so bad. I remember that it smelled like honeysuckle." So today I am trying to focus on all my honeysuckle experiences and be very very grateful for THIS small moment. The whole picture gets too overwhelming, truth be told, and the edges are still sharp today. The irony is that I am projecting myself 5 years into the future (a time I hope will be filled with happiness and comfort) while trying to stay in the moment and be content with the now. I am telling myself that I will someday look back on this waiting time as a period of growth before we had our child. hopefully.

Namaste.
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Because no one would believe this otherwise...

My latest fortune from dinner tonight. :) I can't decide if my lucky star is shining now or will be shining on this date in 3 months. Isn't it amazing how the cookies know just when they will be opened?!

Losing my mind

Oh how quickly the zen evaporates.
At first this semi-forced ttc break was good. I enjoyed hanging out with J and I liked the reduced pressure. Now I am restless. I want to DO something about growing our family. We are on the donor waiting lists... great, now what? I feel like calling *Amy" the egg lady every day to ask if we have moved up the list yet. But I doubt that is a good plan. J and I do have an appointment with the embryo lady later this week but that does not feel like enough. I feel like an addict looking for my next ttc fix. I think 2 years of perpetual pregnancy attempts have changed me in a bad way. I seem to be a constant multi-tasker now.

Welcome to my crazy brain:

• "Maybe we could do some IUIs while we wait." Bad plan. J and I agreed that we would be able to save precious little money if we had to pay $1000 every month for sperm + IUI attempts. All of which have been unsuccessful, anyway.
• "Our friend M agreed to donate if we need him to. We could do some free home insems." Really just let it go. My eggs are crap. Why would that work when IVF has not?
• "Well we can't JUST SIT HERE." We can, we will and we must.

It's so odd. I am struggling with myself to just stay on this path which will likely work. However, my ID is impatient and wants to repeat useless things... insanity really. So I will try to just sit and breath.

the cardinal of donor material.

Today J and I went for a consultation with the therapist our RE told us to see. Apparently she has to give us her blessing to use donor material. I went to the appointment with more than a little hostility about the matter, though I am not 100% sure why that may be. In any case, the office space she shares was a total 70's shag carpet nightmare: totally reinforcing my sentiments that the lady would be a crackpot therapist. I also had a really strong urge to behave inappropriately in the waiting area. I imagined all sorts of compromising positions she could find J and I engaged in like poorly-manner teenagers.

Instead, we were greeted with a lovely, intuitive older woman. She shared a wealth of information about how donors are chosen, success rates, resources and etc. She asked us great questions and treated us with utmost respect. I ended the session wishing that this woman had been my real therapist when I needed one. For instance when I mentioned the miscarriage, this woman showed sympathy then said, "We really do a bad job of letting women know that about 1 in 3 pregnancies will end in miscarriage." She was so warm and understanding. She seemed to understand infertility and the issues surrounding it. I loved that she did not feel the need to help me "come to terms" with my experiences or infuse me with false hope.

But, I am hopeful again. I hope we move up the donor lists quickly and I hope that J and I can maintain the amount of fun we have been enjoying in the past few days. Seems like this forced break is removing some pressure and allowing us to remember that we are a couple who is in love, not just a couple with an insanely frustrating goal.

BTW: happy 100th post to me.

Socially engineered attractiveness

We got to speak with *Amy* yesterday and it seems that J and I have a pretty good chance of having a short wait for donor eggs. Why? Because we are not picky! J has light eyes and strawberry blond hair, and I have dark hair and eyes. With this range of features, we could look like a "normal" family with a child of most any hair/eye coloring.

At first I was totally happy thinking about potentially moving up the donor list because other infertiles passed on eggs with the wrong physical features. But then I began to think that maybe I was being too accepting and perhaps J and I should care what our future (hopefully) child will look like. In the end, I decided that I just don't care. If we were adopting, we would not turn down a marginally-attractive child, and goodness knows that either J or I could have spat out an FLK (funny looking kid) from our own loins. What I do know is that the Big Business Fertility Clinic carefully screens egg donors and chooses the healthiest and most attractive (I am trying not to think about the implications there). Last conclusion, I don't think that J or I would have qualified to be egg donors back in our younger days. While no one has ever turned away from us in horror, no one has ever suggested that we should enter beauty pageants either. We may end up with a child that is wildly more attractive than her mothers! How 'bout that?

4rd Runner Up

J called the fertility clinic today about a booster shot she needs to get today or tomorrow. You would not believe the difficulty she is having getting one. It would be easier for her to get a script for narcotics!

In any case, while she had the nurse on the phone J asked about staffing yesterday and whether we will get donor eggs. The nurse looked us up and we are 5th on the list. It seems that we are the "Miss Congeniality" of the donor egg world. We get to stand on the stage but we only get a tiny little paper crown. We also have to knock off several infertiles to "get us our baby." Good news is that the wait is only likely to be about 3 months or so. Bad news: we do not know if we will get to pay the uber-cheap price or the uber-expensive upcoming price. Apparently we have to talk to *Amy* about that and *Amy* is out today. For some reason I have a really mocking internal voice every time I say *Amy*. I should learn to be externally nice to her as she is the gatekeeper for my potential future child.

The nurse then suggested that we should consider donor embryos and we should set up a consultation appointment with Dr BB. I think J began to consider self-harm at that point. She had to explain that we did set up the consultation appointment: it was on Friday. The doctor was running and hour and a half behind schedule and did not remember us. Dr BB did talk about our options in a cursory manner and we paid $200 for that. The nurse had the good grace to sound embarrassed and said that she could set up a free phone consultation.

Today I find that I am laughing at the utter insanity in this whole process. The clinic that is most likely to help us get our hearts' greatest desires is also the least personable and approachable clinic we have ever used. They are completely competent and have great programs but they just seem so.... cold.

Monday updates

Guess what very large fertility clinic did not call us today... well yes, that would be my fertility clinic! So we are still waiting to find out if we get some donor eggs. The financial lady did email. I swear she is the most personable and warm person in that entire practice. She said that she will give J and I a detailed estimate on using J's eggs for us both. She even said that she will try to figure the price in the least expensive way possible.

On a more positive note, J is up for an award that would provide us a few extra k's and she can also put some work online and will get a bonus for that as well.... she is so very industrious. All I can do is travel extra miles so that I get bigger mileage checks, which is pretty minimal really.

Also another nice thought, sort of. Today I walked through the waiting area of the place where I work, which is a rarity. The waiting area smelled like stale cigarettes and body odor. The children all looked sad and the parents looked irritated. It made me so thankful for my own comparatively happy childhood. It also reminded me that I live a life many of my clients cannot imagine attaining. J and I are so very far from wealthy but compared to many, we are blessed beyond measure.