A down day

I am having one of those days when I am railing at the suckiness of having trouble having a child. HJ looked at me last night night and said, "I am so ready to have a child. I am just ready for all this to be over and have a baby in our house! I don't care which of us has it either." I agree.

I am tired of avoiding the room that will be our nursery. When I was pregnant and hopeful, I bought blue, green and cream paints to decorate with. I have many Classic Pooh items to decorate with. And HJ bought furniture---- which is still in the boxes!

I am tired of putting vacations on hold indefinitely because we are afraid of spending 'the baby money.'

I am tired of watching every little thing I put in and on my body and worrying that I am causing my IF by taking a hot bath, accidentally injesting toxins or glutens or alien radiation or whatever theory is happening this week.

I am tired of waiting for the next cycle of my IVF and HJ's IUI.

But mostly I am tired of the nagging worry that I will never be a mother. I try to be positive and get rid of that thought then I obsess that I am actually causing my own IF by having the thought.... but the truth is that no matter what positive meditations, prayers and self-talk I use, I worry.

I did come across some lovely prayers for use before different procedures. They made me cry and made me feel a bit more hopeful. So I will share:

1- Into the hands of others, I commend my body,
into the minds of others, I deliver my trust.
I remember my love and my desire.
May they consider my being,
may we all bring life.

2- I turn to You God, and ask that You be with me now,
as I seek answer to my quest for a child.

When the doctor proceeds with the exam,
poking and prodding every corner of my body,
filling me with cold instruments,
I ask that you warm my soul.

Remind me of the warmth of my partner's touch.
Remind me of your love for me.
Restore to me my dignity;
remove from me my shame.

As you revealed the answers to Avimelekh
reveal the answers to me, my partner, and my doctor,
so that we may work together with your help,
to bring forth a child.

My child

This is my fur baby, Indy. I have had him since he was 6 weeks old and he thinks that I am wonderful. He sleeps by my legs every night and when I turn over, he wriggles to get closer to my new position. He excitedly wiggles himself in half every afternoon when I come home from work, and he climbs onto my chest to say good morning every day. Also he is utterly neurotic. His current fascination is my closet. We had a mouse for a day (then the exterminator came over and got him) but Indy is still convinced that there is a mouse in my closet!! Up to now, I have been unsuccessful in my attempts to convince him that there is nothing of interest in there--- unless he likes Earth shoes. So now I have closed the closet door and he is sitting staring at the closet door.

I have to admit that I feel the same pull to hpts when I am cycling. Like mother, like furry son!

Sorry for the randomness of the post. November is the month when bloggers are supposed to post every day.... I am giving this a shot so we will see what oddities bubble up. :)

woo hoo

We did it!! President Obama!!!! Good-bye Republicans.

I'm all teary.

I also read up on his stance on gays and he supports domestic partnerships--- good enough for me. He also wants to increase employment discrimination and to increase hate crimes protection.

I am proud of the US tonight because we actually chose a good man!!!

So I voted today....

I went to the old creaky gymnasium at the end of my block to cast my vote. They opened the polls at 9 AM and we had to wait in line for a while. Most of the people around me were talking about McPalin and feeling very smug. They said things like "Everyone I know is gonna vote for them." My thought "No kidding--- you really surround yourself only with like-minded a-holes?! What a surprise!" So then I searched the crowd for other interlopers-- secret Democrats in the land of the red. I think I found a few but I'll never know. The whole thing was pretty uneventful and I was feeling encouraged.

Then I left..... as I was leaving the gym, some Republican zealots had set up shop just beyond the 100 feet mark. They had signs that said "Vote against abortion, Vote McCain!" and my favorite, "Vote against same sex marriage, vote McCain!"

What!? Really... I was super-tempted to point out that yesterday Obama said that he also does not support same-sex marriage (but that he also sees no need for a federal amendment against it). Then I realized that I would have to talk to this strange woman in the sequinned red white and blue bonnet (think Little House on the Prairie meets Bobby Trendy) so I held my tongue. Then the crazy woman ran up to me and shook the sign in my face.

My response? "You're a little too late since I just LEFT the poll."

Her response, "Oh."

The south is a funny place!

Speaking of red states: AF came to visit HJ today.... oh well.

The real cost of this cycle

Warning this is a sad story!

HJ and I were having a lovely day yesterday. We had been working for a few hours and she went to the store to pick up a small item. When she returned, my heart skipped a beat as she looked up at me and smiled with her hair all wind-blown and sunglasses on-- it was one of those "I'm so lucky" moments. Then she hugged me and said, "I'm so sorry." Clearly our brains had gone in different directions so I said "About what?"
HJ: "That I didn't get pregnant."
My heart sank. Of course I was not upset at her about that (yes, we still don't know for sure but it is unlikely) and I reassured her about that. But the reality is that she now truly understands the magnitude of feeling failed by your body.... failing as a woman. I wish I could have spared her that feeling. I talked with her about the fact that few people get pg on the 1st attempt even "naturally" and all those other sorts of things. But now she has experienced the yuckiness that is IF-- hopefully it will only be this time for her. But I wish she never had to know-- wish I had not miscarried, wish we had a beautiful2 week old little girl right now--- wish wish wish.

Okay all that being said, I am still okay emotionally and am trying to think that maybe we will be able to use my brother as our donor in the future. I know that my parents would really love that. So I am still grounded and still happy. But I do know what this IUI actually cost my soul-mate and I wish I could remove that self-doubt from her.

political musings

This morning, HJ and I went to the farm supply store to get shavings for the doghouse--- makes them warm and smell like gerbils! In any case I had to drive to the side of the building for a helpful older man to load the bags into my SUV-- which is proudly emblazened with an Obama 08 bumper sticker. He felt the need to tell me that I am voting for the wrong person. Now I don't know the guy so I did not really engage in a debate with him but I made some bland comment about choice. But he was getting wound up to set me straight (sorry fella others have tried and failed before you!) so he launches into how he believes that Obama will bring about the end of America. WTF! I smile and tell him that I think he's wrong then I thank him and drive away.

But my questions are 1) Is Obama so threatening because he is a person of color? 2) Is Obama so threatening because people perceive that he is Muslim? (Which he is NOT but would it matter if her were?) 3) Why does everyone decide that he is a socialist-- again which he is not??

I am struck by the differences in climate of yesterday and today. In Nashville, tons of people had Obama bumper stickers and people howled at a George Bush joke at the play. Yesterday, no one gave HJ and I a second glance as we shopped together (clearly a couple) at the natural foods store. People joined in with our fun at dinner-- 2 lesbians and 3 effeminate gay men. But back in the small town where I actually live, some random man feels free to engage in conservative advice-giving I clearly was not open to taking. Grrr.

It kinda sucks to be me

HJ tested again this morning and the results were another BFN. Grrrrr. I am to the point that holding out hope for this cycle feels a bit silly.

So HJ and I went to a large nearby city for a lovely day. We went shopping at a natural foods store. We went to see Avenue Q then we had dinner with friends. I drank 2 pommegranate martinis-- which will likely prove to be a bad plan tomorrow. The play (Avenue Q) was sooooo funny. The South is pretty conservative but everyone responded super-positive to the show. I guess those of us who are not conservative have to get together at times! If you haven't seen the show, go ASAP! Soooo funny. My apologies if a am a bit loopy right now. :-)