A down day

I am having one of those days when I am railing at the suckiness of having trouble having a child. HJ looked at me last night night and said, "I am so ready to have a child. I am just ready for all this to be over and have a baby in our house! I don't care which of us has it either." I agree.

I am tired of avoiding the room that will be our nursery. When I was pregnant and hopeful, I bought blue, green and cream paints to decorate with. I have many Classic Pooh items to decorate with. And HJ bought furniture---- which is still in the boxes!

I am tired of putting vacations on hold indefinitely because we are afraid of spending 'the baby money.'

I am tired of watching every little thing I put in and on my body and worrying that I am causing my IF by taking a hot bath, accidentally injesting toxins or glutens or alien radiation or whatever theory is happening this week.

I am tired of waiting for the next cycle of my IVF and HJ's IUI.

But mostly I am tired of the nagging worry that I will never be a mother. I try to be positive and get rid of that thought then I obsess that I am actually causing my own IF by having the thought.... but the truth is that no matter what positive meditations, prayers and self-talk I use, I worry.

I did come across some lovely prayers for use before different procedures. They made me cry and made me feel a bit more hopeful. So I will share:

1- Into the hands of others, I commend my body,
into the minds of others, I deliver my trust.
I remember my love and my desire.
May they consider my being,
may we all bring life.

2- I turn to You God, and ask that You be with me now,
as I seek answer to my quest for a child.

When the doctor proceeds with the exam,
poking and prodding every corner of my body,
filling me with cold instruments,
I ask that you warm my soul.

Remind me of the warmth of my partner's touch.
Remind me of your love for me.
Restore to me my dignity;
remove from me my shame.

As you revealed the answers to Avimelekh
reveal the answers to me, my partner, and my doctor,
so that we may work together with your help,
to bring forth a child.