Swiss cheese

My friend shared her thoughts today that each failed attempt leaves an empty place in your heart. I have to agree. Each month, each attempt we invest a piece of our hearts and each failed attempt leaves a hole. Beyond that, I think every hopeful prenatal vitamin we take, each injection, each unpleasant procedure, each bit of modesty we relinquish, each pregnancy test we buy or avoid buying, every dollar we spend seemingly uselessly... each leaves its own void that can only be filled with a child. It feels as though someday, there will only remain an abyss in the spot my heart used to occupy.

I never dreamed that I would have 3 failed IVF cycles. I told someone that I would do 7 cycles in the hopes of having a child (if I had the money- which I do not), but I was wrong. At this moment, I am not sure that I could even attempt a free IVF cycle (not that anyone is offering). I am sad and I am empty and I truly hate beginning and ending the workweek crying in my office.

I did see a therapist. Dr Helpful is very nice. She honored my pain beautifully and never tried to help me have "more positive self talk." If she would have tried to give me any hokey mantras, told me to look at the bright side or had an office filled with baby photos, I think I would have attacked her with my pointy shoes! What she actually did was sit with me. She let me tell my story in my way and she listened. I did not cry in her office as much as I thought I might and since my session, I have felt less on the verge of tears (although that does happen). I am still sad, so very very sad but I think my sense of desperation has eased a bit. I have another session scheduled and I am journaling my thoughts in a lovely leather-bound book. Perhaps I will share a photo of my book someday: I have very warm and loving feelings toward that thing.

Will I ever have a child? I don't know.
Do I still want a child? More than I can express
Am I angry with God? YEP!
Am I going to be okay?.... probably.

Some people get babies out of an IVF cycle: I get therapy and antidepressants. I wish I knew how this would all end.