At first this semi-forced ttc break was good. I enjoyed hanging out with J and I liked the reduced pressure. Now I am restless. I want to DO something about growing our family. We are on the donor waiting lists... great, now what? I feel like calling *Amy" the egg lady every day to ask if we have moved up the list yet. But I doubt that is a good plan. J and I do have an appointment with the embryo lady later this week but that does not feel like enough. I feel like an addict looking for my next ttc fix. I think 2 years of perpetual pregnancy attempts have changed me in a bad way. I seem to be a constant multi-tasker now.
Welcome to my crazy brain:
- "Maybe we could do some IUIs while we wait." Bad plan. J and I agreed that we would be able to save precious little money if we had to pay $1000 every month for sperm + IUI attempts. All of which have been unsuccessful, anyway.
- "Our friend M agreed to donate if we need him to. We could do some free home insems." Really just let it go. My eggs are crap. Why would that work when IVF has not?
- "Well we can't JUST SIT HERE." We can, we will and we must.
It's so odd. I am struggling with myself to just stay on this path which will likely work. However, my ID is impatient and wants to repeat useless things... insanity really. So I will try to just sit and breath.
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11 comments:
I picked up a journal last night that I wrote in Feb. 2004. Many entries were about having kids, etc, etc. It blew me away I wrote that five years ago. The waiting is hell, I know, trust me.
And all of those scenarios that are running through your 'crazy brain' have run through mine as well...it's hard just to wait when you feel like you should be working towards something--doing something.
The only things that really helps me is: yoga, meditation, reading (not TTC stuff!), working out and being around friends. I hope you can find something to take your mind off the waiting and just enjoy the being.
It's a strange place to be in. I recall when I forced myself into a year break between IUI's and IVF because I wanted to test myself, in addition to giving myself the opportunity to process our situation and save some money.
It was a hard transition to make and took far longer to let go of then I expected. No matter how hard I tried, I could not WILL myself to let go of the desire to be in perpetual motion. I can't recall which came first, the replacement obsession with the soccer team, or if I was actually able to let go before I latched onto the next "project".
Which ever the case, I learned some valuable lessons during that time. Most importantly that 6 month or a year wasn't that long, that by opening myself up to new things because I wasn't focused on TTCing I learned some unexpected lessons.
And most importantly time healed me silently and unexpectedly and left me with the comforting feeling of knowing more so then ever that I would be ok regardless of what lay ahead.
I never realized how depleted I'd become and how much strength I could gain in time. I learned that rushing wasn't necessary and it wasn't a race, no matter how much I wanted to claim victory.
Somehow my resentment for time and the value I thought was being taken from me, was in turn returned to me more valuable then I ever expected.
I wish you the comforts that time can offer. The comfort that you can't will to happen, but can come to you if you keep that door open.
Wishing you all the best.
D
Waiting is hell! I really hope your donor egg comes soon and you can get back to TTC very soon!!
i think thats the worst thing about pausing - i always wanted to be DOING something! my type A self had a really hard time waiting. (i would SO be calling Amy-the-egg-lady daily!)
Breaks are so difficult. Hoping yours passes quickly.
I totally feel you. For some reason a state of motion is always preferable to a state of rest in life- backwards, forwards- at least one is in motion.
Sending Zen thoughts your way!
I'm the same way...looking for something to do, wanting to call the Clinic for information and updates, pacing around and thinking about my meds and my schedule. I hope you move up the list fast and get the show on the road!
Oh (wo)man, I feel you on all counts. It's hell.
Find or rediscover something you love and enjoy it. You're in great company.
The sitting and breathing are so hard, I totally get that. This morning before we heard back from Basil, I was (sort of) seriously contemplating running up to cute men at the stop light by our house to try to wrangle up some sperm. I mean, obviously I wouldn't have done that, but my mind was spinning, I wanted so much to do/fix/change/make better.
I do think that your plan is a good one. I know that it's hard to wait for even the best plan, though.
Breaks are so very hard, but everyone here has suggested some good paths through them. I found during our unbearable breaks that immersing myself in projects was always helpful, as was socializing. There were still those quiet moments when I felt the pull back to TTC, but involving myself in so many activities certainly passed the time more quickly. I hope you find something that works for you.
Waiting is brutally hard and is the toughest part. You have a great plan so enjoy now as much as you can. You are very wise about the sitting and breathing. Thich Nhat Hanh would also add smiling.
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