Things I know now

J talked to the nurse who has the most contact with the donors at our clinic. We got a bit more information about the donor's physical characteristics and some details about her personality as well. The nurse said that our donor "lights up the room when she enters" and described her as funny and outgoing. I love those characteristics. The donor is 21 years old and is considered the clinic's "best" egg producer. The nurse also said that every cycle with our donor's eggs have resulted in a pregnancy (either immediately or through FET). Last piece of information: more than 50% of the pregnancies have been twins. Exciting and scary all at the same time!! Now that twins might be a real option, the thought is frightening due to all the complications that can come with twins. Holy stomach butterflies Batman!

A few people have asked some questions about my cycle, which must be confusing to people not in the midst of my craziness. So please allow me to explain. I am using frozen donor eggs. The donor goes through a cycle specifically to produce frozen eggs or gets paid to go through a fresh donor cycle with someone else (tres expensive!). The original egg recipient gets a total of 12 eggs then any additional eggs are frozen. The women getting the frozen donor eggs are given up to 8 eggs (at least enough to create 2-3 embryos). The success rates with frozen donor eggs is roughly the same as with a fresh donor egg cycle- 60% or better. The benefits of a frozen egg cycle are 1) the cycles of donor and recipient do not need to be synchronized and 2) less expense since the donor can provide for multiple people at the same time. The eggs are frozen immediately after egg retrieval then are thawed when the recipient is ready. The eggs are then fertilized and allowed to culture for a 3 day transfer. And 2 weeks later the recipient (ME) gets a positive beta!!!

So yeah, yesterday's melancholy seems to have left and the hope is rolling back in.

Out of the starting gate

I am having serious difficulty creating any sort of post in which I talk about the schedule for my donor egg cycle. So sorry folks, the following is rather informative but really not very clever.

• I am now on BCP's. (always such an irony)
• At the end of this week I add a Z pak.
• August 10, Begin Lupron injections.
• August 20, Begin Estradiol injections.
• August 31, Last suppression check and Estradiol level taken.
• Sept 7, they thaw and fertilize my (donor) eggs.
• Sept 10, Embryo transfer!!!
• Various monitoring visits thrown in for good measure and a mock embryo transfer sometime in August.
• Sept 20, I will take my 1st hpt--- if I have shown amazing self-restraint.

I am feeling strangely calm about this cycle. I suppose I have great faith in young eggs and I just can't stand to think about how I will react if... you know. So la la la, I am NOT thinking about that. I am thinking happy thoughts and trying to decide if I am brave enough to paint the nursery.

And finally the coy minx has arrived!

Missing

I would like to place a missing *erm* person's report please. It's my aunt, Aunt Flo. She has gone missing. While normally she is something of an inconvenience because she likes to do things like drop by when I am unprepared or irritate me on a day I need to be cheerful. However, this month I have been waiting for her. I have set the stage for her arrival and many plans hang in the balance depending upon her arrival schedule. She did phone ahead on Monday, causing me endless frustration. She has decided to be something of a persnickety cuss and now she will not show herself. You see I usually see her about every 25-26 days. This time she has decided to make a grand late entrance when she KNOWS that I need to call CD1 into the RE's office.

What else have I been doing with my free time? Working on becoming a crazy cat lady. I still only have the 2 kittens, but now I talk to them and ABOUT them almost endlessly. J and I have become completely redundant. We must utter some version of the sentence, "Have you seen what Uggs/Ringo/they is(/are) doing right now?" Then we make up words to go with their actions and the thoughts we imagine them having. Sad really.

So yeah, my period needs to show up within the next 24-36 hours to keep us on schedule with our donor egg cycle. If AF does show up in a timely way, I should have some embryos in my body in early/mid September. Can I actually be excited to start taking shots again?
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My own tea cup

I love old Zen fables and I was reminded of one this weekend. I had to recall the story of the overflowing tea cup as I spent some time in the "dog kennel room." (For those of you who might not know the story, I have copied a very short version at the bottom of the post.)

I have been calling our third bedroom "the dog kennel room" since March 17, 2008 when I resolutely stopped calling it the nursery. I was wholly unprepared to have a miscarriage and I handled it in my way which was to grieve intensely for a short time then to lock the whole thing away. Out of sight, out of mind... sort of. So the dog kennels were placed in front of the boxed up baby furniture we lovingly chose and I left the kennels there for well over a year. I also started piling things in that room. Need a place for clothing waiting to be taken to Good.will? The padded glider seems the perfect spot. Too lazy to put the Christmas decorations in the attic? I've got the perfect spot. And on and on my process continued until the room was hardly recognizable as the room I once held in such high regard. I also kept the door closed. all.the.time. The metaphor is almost silly but it is so true.

However, this weekend I had to venture into the closet of the 3rd bedroom to find the ceiling paint and I had the "aha" moment. The room no longer holds overwhelming emotion for me. So I decided that I needed to make some space so that something new can fill it (namely a baby). I began cleaning. Decorations went into the attic. Trash was bagged up. Gently used items were offered new homes. I vacuumed and dusted and I hummed a happy song. The space feels lighter and I feel more free. I am even planning to paint with the lovely classic po.oh colors I chose long ago. The door is thrown open. Okay baby(ies), physically and emotionally, I am ready for you now!
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A Cup of Tea
Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era, received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen.
Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full, and then kept on pouring.
The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. “It is overfull. No more will go in!”
“Like this cup,” Nan-in said, “you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”

Confession

Uggs (cat in the painting tray) said that he needed a friend. I was feeling so happy after yesterday that I went and got Uggs's brother. Meet Ringo (white face). They were happy to be re-united so they bit one another's legs, played chase and found a bag to play with. Ringo is super sweet and his little kitty motor runs all the time.

Reserved some eggs today!

Today J and I went to the Big Business Fertility Clinic and we were able to choose our egg donor! Yay. It feels as though we are finally on the road to having a baby. What is this strange pleasant feeling infusing my system: could it be fertility related optimism? Holy cow, I think it is!

So the story of the day goes like this. J and I met with *Amy* the egg donor lady. We signed a ton of forms. She let us look at 6 egg donor profiles we could choose from. She explained the egg donor process. She tried to send us home to think about our donor choice. We said, "Not so much. We will be making a choice and getting this ball rolling TODAY." She laughed and we made our choice. Our egg donor is 22 years old and she has 2 children. She is something of a rock star egg producer. She is tall with red hair and green eyes. I love our choice! The mixture of our sperm donor (dark hair and eyes) with our egg donor will be the most like J and I could have created together. I also love that we will likely get 8 eggs from the donor. They will transfer 2 embryos to me. Here's a really fun part: if we have more good embryos left over, they will be frozen for later use! I am not holding my breath for enough embies for an FET but it does sound like good news.

Then we were whisked away to the nurse who will actually work with our cycle. She is very nice and knowledgeable. She talked with us about what the schedule will look like. BCP followed by Lupron and Estradiol, lining checks, 3 day transfer and progesterone injections. I know it sounds like alot but I just kept thinking how much easier this will be than a full IVF cycle. It looks like we will bring our embryos home (inside me) at the end of August!!!!

Last stop: the check out desk for another bill. Cost of today's talks and scheduling, $140. Cost of getting us a baby: priceless.

meme pictures

These go with the last post but I am not cool enough to make the pictures and the text go in the same post in a reasonable configuration.

Top left to bottom: 1) Our new kitten Uggs 2) my tomato garden 3) some of my little green tomatoes 4) the fence J and I built all by ourselves 5) J walking the little dogs in the field next to our house. I love this picture as I took it one morning when J did not even know I was there. I was so touched by the beauty of this sight.

7 things

I have been tagged by An Offering of Love and Insert Metaphor. Thanks ladies!

For the Kreativ Blogger Award the rules of acceptance are simple: list seven things you love and then pass the award to seven blogs you love.

7 things I love:

1) My partner in life- J. I adore the way she looks at me like I am perfect when I am so far from it. She is also just generally a fun person!

2) Our house- we have worked and toiled away to make this our home. It's my happy place.

3) My garden- growing things is fun

4) People, places, books and movies that feed my head and inspire me.

5) My pets (which reminds me that we got a kitten)

6) Spring and Fall- I love the promises that both seasons hold. There is an indescribable quality to the air.

7) taking pictures-- it sparks my imagination.