No more plans

I have been struggling with how to write this post because I realize that I am blogging such sadness and frustration lately.... for that matter I suppose I have been feeling sad and frustrated lately. This is just not who I am. I am engaging and active and funny and a good friend... all sorts of nice things, but I am not sure that most people can see that lately. I am in the TTC slump... the waiting place where nothing ever really happens. I have been thinking that J and I need to make a way to take our lives back from the Constant Disappointment Monster.

Edited paragraph: Today, Monday, is CD 1 for J so no luck with the IUI this month. Also we found out that the bank we use has been having problems with the exact prefix donor vials we used for this IUI. Remember that the lab lady did not check for swimmers. So I am thinking that J would have had the same chance of getting pg this month if we had just stayed home with a bottle of wine and some Marvib Gaye CD's.

On Friday we met with the Big Business Fertility Clinic. The RE (Dr BB) looked at my lady business (because that phrase makes me laugh) and said that she can't see any reason I am not getting pregnant. Nice, and the same thing that 3 other RE's have said before doing a cycle with me. However after seeing me actually cycle, they say that I am a poor responder and have poor egg quality. At this point, J's face is getting red (bad sign) because it is clear that Dr BB does not recall the options she and J talked about at J's last visit. With some prompting, we see the light bulb come on and the Dr starts talking about the options that might actually work. Donor embryos with a success rate of about 40% but significantly cheaper that a full IVF cycle, donor eggs from young women, with a success rate of 50-60% and still cheaper than a full IVF or using J's eggs for me, unknown success rate and most expensive option. Last option.... wait for it.... IUIs for me... really WTF?! 3 failed IVFs and several others REs saying that IUIs might work if we had years to do monthly IUIs. Really, my egg quality is not getting any better and I am not getting any younger. Even at best case scenario, 50% of my eggs are poor quality with my age, and history has shown that my eggs are not best case scenario. We say that we will bypass spending $1000 per month for IUIs indefinitely and will choose an option with better odds.

We chose to use donor eggs. We were filled with positive feelings about our choice. We chose to cycle next month as the donor egg program is only going to be cheap for about another month or 2 because they are trying to show good success then will increase the price to a more "competitive range." We left Dr BB's office laughing and talking about how this would all work and how we could move money around to make the cycle work so quickly. Then the RE's office called to say not to get the blood work because they are low on donor eggs. They will staff our case Monday and let us know. J and I were so overwhelmed and sad at this point. We were going in a direction that felt like success only to have the rug pulled out from under us, again.

So now we wait. We wait to see what the staffing finds. If they won't give us donor eggs, we are not doing donor embryos--- not good enough success there as the embryos are from all aged women. We will likely do an IVF cycle with J and use her eggs for both of us. Expensive and we will need to save for a few months. Perhaps we could do that cycle in August. Maybe, sort of, we'll see. No plans: I just cannot kid myself that I have any real control over this baby-making situation.

See another entry ends in sadness and frustration. This is not the story I want to write about my life.