....but infertility has changed all that.
I got an email from a dear friend on Monday. She and I have been close pals since graduate school circa 1995. She is a couple of years older than I am and she and her partner have begun TTC. They are really early in this thing and are wayyyyyyy too optimistic about how it all will work. I have advocated for the use of some fertility drugs but have otherwise kept my inner Debbie Downer hidden. Back to the email. It was very short. She asked about J and I and the TTC efforts. She said nothing about herself. She and I have not talked in a few months. I responded to the email in an upbeat way and asked about her efforts. Internally I was seething with anger. I had decided that her short email was a means of feeling us out before she told us that she is pregnant on the first attempt. I. was. really. mad. I just knew she had skipped her turn and jumped to the head of the TTC line. I just knew she was now knocked up while I am still waiting for some freaking donor eggs after years of wishing, wanting, praying, tears and trying.
Then I received her response email.
She was just thinking of us. She may try her first insemination this month depending upon the timing. She is excited.
I am bad. Have I sunk so low that I am wishing infertility upon my friends? My friend (A) is a wonderful person and she will be a great parent. I want her to get pregnant. But still, my first response was not something I am proud of myself for feeling. Ick, I need to shower now.
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17 comments:
yikes - i started seething with anger just reading the beginning of your post and anticipating the same outcome. i was alredy mentally preparing my righteous indignation response. sigh. this is what infertility does to us - it cant be helped.
and for what it's worth, i think you're a pretty daggone nice person :)
I found myself in a similar situation after our miscarriage and 4th or 5th BFN. Except my friend was actually pregnant. THEN the second u/s reveled twins. First try. No fertility drugs. Two sons. Fuckity fuck, I really am genuinely happy for them, it's just hard to tell through the bone crushing sorrow and the hot sharp envy. :(
Don't worry, you're not alone. I have had bad, bad thoughts when finding out new news. I acknowledge those thoughts and own up to them before dismissing them.
Of course none of us truly wants this pain inflicted on another woman, but when you feel like everyone else is getting something you can't have--sometimes the bad thoughts just creep in and take over.
You are a wonderful person--and perfectly normal to think this way.
I couldn't help but nod my head in understanding. I find myself wishing that the newbies could have a taste of the pain that develops after a year or more of trying or watching your dear wife suffer negative after negative. I know it isn't right- but perhaps there is another side to it. We don't actually want to wish the heartache and disappointment on our friends- we want to soften the blow, knowing that the optimism leads to greater pain.
Regardless of if my alternative view is right or not, I think all of us in blogland know that you are a wonderfully supportive person- and dang it, people like you!
I would have felt the same way. Don't beat yourself up. I have a really hard time feeling happy for anyone else too. I'm hoping it will pass but until my journey comes to some sort of conclusion I don't think it will. Hang in there.
I have absolutely been there and go there all the time. It's not that you aren't a nice person, but you've been worn down by too much bad news. It's a lot for anyone to handle...it's just hard to feel so unlucky.
But I agree with the others, you do seem like an entirely nice person!
Shower it all away. You are great! Fertility issues affect all of our relationships and so many things in our lives. We must fight feeling guilty over all the mixed emotions that it brings us.
Coming from the newbie standpoint, I have been amazed at how supportive so many of you who have been trying for so long have been. You are an incredibly nice and supportive person. I can only try to imagine how this situation must feel for you and I think you're well within your rights to react/feel the way you did. You don't have to be a superhero!
I knew I had gone to the Bad Place when I caught myself, for a split second, wishing a miscarriage on someone newly pregnant. Then, I got ahold of myself, came to my senses, and realized what lunacy this infertility shit does to your brain. You are not alone.
UGH.
UUUGGGHHH.
you don't suck.
Unless we ALL suck.
And we don't.
casey
Internal reality checks are ugly hu? Just this morning I saw a very pregnant woman on the street and I thought to myself, in the most snarky and evil way "well aren't you just effing special and fertile you bitch". Then I heard myself and thought "WOW, crazy person!"
Give yourself a break my dear. You are lovely and kind but you have been through the ringer and sometimes a little snark just can't be helped.
I am YOU.
It'ok ok.
You are wonderful.
(((hugs)))
Cindy,
you are a nice person who is experiencing sadness and disappointment and anger and despair. You are not the sum total of your feelings. You are still inherently good and funny and sweet and kind and supportive. If that sounds like psycho babble just take it with a pinch of Oprah. It is sincerely and well meant!
For what it's worth I think bad thoughts about pregnant women sometimes too.
Hi - it's me again. thanks so much for your comment on my blog. It's okay - you don't have to feel guilty. I am hoping and praying we will be cycling close together and I am still optimistic ( in between bouts of pessimism ) that it will happen.
I agree - this whole egg donor thing just takes the cake - never ending waiting and waiting. Your dreams sound scary - I used to have horrible nightmares on a certain SSRI - effexor I think - for two years but now I am back on safe old prozac I have barely any.
Try to get some rest and I will too!
the word verification was nestste
- i think that is a good egg like omen!!!!xoxoxo
Oh, god. Me, too. Ouch.
Now don't go punishing yourself. Tireegal is right, you are not the sum total of your feelings. Feelings mean you're human, they mean you want this future child of yours SO much, they mean that you are a veteran of suffering and sacrifice. And the fact that you feel guilty for your knee-jerk thoughts mean you are truly a kind and gentle soul. Cut yourself some slack and know that you have tons of support here.
It's been so long since I was a nice person that I often wonder if my niceness was just a figment of my imagination and that maybe I've always been a crazy bitch.
p.s. love your blog. and thanks for the crossed fingers.
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