ambivalence

I am having a really tough time blogging lately. I am not sure why but I am guessing that I am having too many mixed emotions. The strange thing is that when I am nowhere near a computer, I think of things to blog about all the time.

So we met with Potential donor man. He was as nice as I recall and is very willing to be helpful. He is pretty hippy-ish. He has done this before and knows the drill. He got all his testing done (we paid) and we got a contract together. He signed and last night was the first insem with J. It all fell into place easily which I usually trust as a good sign. This time, not so much. I am just left with this weird inner icky feeling. I can't decide if I DON'T trust the known donor thing because it's too easy: if I am so attached to the donor egg thing that another path feels wrong: if I am just grossed out at how very close I am now to a rather random man's "essence": or some other things I can't put into words yet? I had to laugh at Olive's suggestion that our home insem attempts as we wait for donor eggs was a version of the "maybe if you just relax" idea. It felt like that to me but now that I am actually living this path, I am finding that the silly fun feeling about it is gone.

Oh, and I have called *amy* (head frozen donor egg lady) TWICE this week to find out our current place on the waiting list. She has not called me back yet. I only ask this question once a month, surely she does not find that frequency too pushy? UPDATE: Amy is on vacation this week. Kelly called me back. I cannot recall exactly who she is: embryo lady? overall coordinator? She said that we are FIRST on her list. Yippee!! She said that she has to talk with Amy on Monday and that the whole team will be staffing cases at the start of the week. She said she will call me Monday evening or Tuesday. She also said something about putting together profiles for us to choose from. I am so freaking excited I can't contain myself.