ambivalence

I am having a really tough time blogging lately. I am not sure why but I am guessing that I am having too many mixed emotions. The strange thing is that when I am nowhere near a computer, I think of things to blog about all the time.

So we met with Potential donor man. He was as nice as I recall and is very willing to be helpful. He is pretty hippy-ish. He has done this before and knows the drill. He got all his testing done (we paid) and we got a contract together. He signed and last night was the first insem with J. It all fell into place easily which I usually trust as a good sign. This time, not so much. I am just left with this weird inner icky feeling. I can't decide if I DON'T trust the known donor thing because it's too easy: if I am so attached to the donor egg thing that another path feels wrong: if I am just grossed out at how very close I am now to a rather random man's "essence": or some other things I can't put into words yet? I had to laugh at Olive's suggestion that our home insem attempts as we wait for donor eggs was a version of the "maybe if you just relax" idea. It felt like that to me but now that I am actually living this path, I am finding that the silly fun feeling about it is gone.

Oh, and I have called *amy* (head frozen donor egg lady) TWICE this week to find out our current place on the waiting list. She has not called me back yet. I only ask this question once a month, surely she does not find that frequency too pushy? UPDATE: Amy is on vacation this week. Kelly called me back. I cannot recall exactly who she is: embryo lady? overall coordinator? She said that we are FIRST on her list. Yippee!! She said that she has to talk with Amy on Monday and that the whole team will be staffing cases at the start of the week. She said she will call me Monday evening or Tuesday. She also said something about putting together profiles for us to choose from. I am so freaking excited I can't contain myself.

Impatient much?

In my real life, I am pretty focused and patient. BUT in my TTC life, I am a crazed maniac, which opens J and I up to a host of interesting possibilities. Enter our newest waiting-time adventure: we are in the negotiation stage with another known donor. In my mind, the donor eggs are still the sure bet but wouldn't it be amazing for J to end up pregnant with a few home imsem attempts?!! At least at home attempts will not cost us $1000 per month (donor material + monitoring + IUI = $1K).


How this all came into being: a friend of a friend mentioned that he had donated to some other lesbians in the past which resulted in an actual child. New sorta-known donor is quite laid back. He would like to be a part of the child's life in an uncle capacity and thus far he has expressed a willingness to sign over all his rights. (We have a large known-donor contract just for such occasions- which seem to occur with odd frequency.) He is gay but celibate and willing to do all the testing to put our minds at ease. This is an odd situation. We have dinner scheduled with Mr Potential tomorrow night to discuss in more detail. I'll keep you posted.

I used to be a nice person

....but infertility has changed all that.

I got an email from a dear friend on Monday. She and I have been close pals since graduate school circa 1995. She is a couple of years older than I am and she and her partner have begun TTC. They are really early in this thing and are wayyyyyyy too optimistic about how it all will work. I have advocated for the use of some fertility drugs but have otherwise kept my inner Debbie Downer hidden. Back to the email. It was very short. She asked about J and I and the TTC efforts. She said nothing about herself. She and I have not talked in a few months. I responded to the email in an upbeat way and asked about her efforts. Internally I was seething with anger. I had decided that her short email was a means of feeling us out before she told us that she is pregnant on the first attempt. I. was. really. mad. I just knew she had skipped her turn and jumped to the head of the TTC line. I just knew she was now knocked up while I am still waiting for some freaking donor eggs after years of wishing, wanting, praying, tears and trying.

Then I received her response email.

She was just thinking of us. She may try her first insemination this month depending upon the timing. She is excited.

I am bad. Have I sunk so low that I am wishing infertility upon my friends? My friend (A) is a wonderful person and she will be a great parent. I want her to get pregnant. But still, my first response was not something I am proud of myself for feeling. Ick, I need to shower now.

a new low

A variety of factors have converged to reduce my current quality of life. My uber long hours at work, keeping up with the outside tasks and J doing research over the summer have brought us to new depths of take-out food. Last night, I had to run the dishwasher when it was not even remotely full (no full-sized plates!) because we had run out of forks. Not a single clean fork in our whole kitchen and only 3 clean soup spoons! The dishwasher was run and J cooked a quick meal in celebration. At least we were both wearing clean underwear. :)

new toys

No news on the TTC front. J and I are waiting for donor eggs and periodically talking over our options. We are hopeful that we will get good news about some young eggs before the end of summer. We wish that we could do IVF for J with donation to me but this option is very expensive and we just don't know if we can swing it financially. (My sad little $2000 IF coverage for the year is used up and J has none.) We are also considering another round or 2 of IUIs. I just wish we had an answer about what path is best. Of course we don't so we are focusing on other things.

We garden and we buy things. Historically I have been committed to using as few gas-powered implements as possible in my desire to be green. However this week it became clear that my long hours at work are making us lose the battle against weeds in the yard, garden and flower beds. I broke down and bought a gas powered weed-eater, a small tiller and a rechargeable thing that pulls weeds. So if you happen to drive by my house, I am the crazy woman with all the lawn implements who is trying to squeeze 3 hours of daily tasks into a 1 hour space. The new toys are helpful and speedy but they seriously impede my zen. I cannot hear the gardens talk to me over the roar of the engines. ;) I suppose it's all about compromises.

After I bought all my goodies, J decided that she deserved a new I-phone. I am officially jealous. Her toy is better than mine!

And I have included a new pic of J on a day when we were planting things and caging the tomatoes.

Ode to Prop 8

I ran across this video today. For those of you who haven't seen it yet, it is totally worth watching!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXPcBI4CJc8

Just not feeling it

J called yesterday and the clinic said that the lovely Brazilian eggs have gone to another couple. We are so disappointed. I am not all that surprised but still...

Amy, the egg lady, said that we are now 4th on the overall list. I guess people who only want blonds are back on the list for the next go-round. So the good news is that our relative position has moved from 5th to 4th. But the bad news is that we still have longer to wait. J has all sorts of conspiracy theories but I think that we just have to wait longer.

Even as I write "just" wait longer, it feels too small a thing to say. I might as well say that we just need to count the grains of sand along the coast of Florida or say that we should just create world peace or that I should just run a marathon. This task is no longer small. It is enormous and overwhelming. I feel as though we have been waiting an eternity. In fact I don't feel a real connection to having a baby growing inside me at all right now. I want to imagine myself as a glowing mother feeling her baby kick and flip inside, feeling giddy with excitement, feeling complete. But what I feel right now is tired and doubt-filled. Can this dream ever happen for us?

I don't want to end this post as such a downer but this is where I am today.... just freaking waiting some more. What do you think... should we just do an IVF with J's eggs and as the carrying partner?
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