The best laid plans...

Fear found and ally...Doubt. Those bastards invaded my dreams and have held me hostage so far this morning.

I dreamed that a strange neighbor couple HJ and I do not even know asked us to help them pack up and move. We agreed. The house was incredibly dirty and disorganized. The husband, an old creepy guy, had lots of "vignettes" he would not let us touch: the vignettes were little things he had created from bits of scrap and trash, like used matches and cardboard. Somewhere along the way, we realized that the man had schizophrenia and we felt very sorry for him and his wife. The more we moved things, we found disturbing stuff... like a shrine to me. He admitted that "we have a special connection." Then he kidnapped me and I was afraid he would kill me. (Ok as a mental health professional I have to say this was just a dream and that most mentally ill people are not dangerous--- just in my dreams.)

Then I woke up and I am feeling sad and overwhelmed. In the shower, I allowed myself to think about how I will feel and what I will do if this IVF does not work. Now I am tearful and hoping that a little blog therapy is going to set me back to my calm place. Every 2ww is a total mindf*ck and they seem to intensify with dwindling bank accounts. I wish I could get back to that calm certainty.

"Sorry little embryos, your Mommy is having a small crisis of faith."

Careful non-attention

This is my plan for how I will spend my 2ww. I monitor my thoughts most all the time and simply refuse rumination.

I acknowledge the presence of FEAR yet I simply greet him and say "Ah, I know you. Now run along. Mommy is too busy to play with you today."

Joy and Hope, however, are welcome to hang around. We talk. We laugh. We dream. But soon enough I also tell them to just sit quietly near me so that I can go about my day.

I'm good, really. I am staying in the present moment and looking expectantly to the future. My RE once said that when IVF is done, "We expect pregnancy." So that is the place where I exist. I am expecting my miracle on this cycle.

I pray, alot. But I do not plead. I simply talk with the Divine and he (she/it) assures me that we are cool.

I also meditate. First I meditate to maintain my calm centered state. Secondly, I meditate and visualize my body and my embryos doing their thing. Mostly this works.

Physically, I do have some symptoms. The nips are sore. I am tired (so very tired) and I have a slight fever... But I know that all these can be caused by the progesterone in oil... so I go back to existing in the moment.I am practicing the art of "just being."

This whole process rather reminds me of being in the room with a fear-aggressive dog. Don't make eye-contact. Be calm. Speak softly but confidently. Whatever you do, DO NOT look directly at the dog and make sure that you never offer up your soft, fearful underbelly.

babies on board

More realistically, I am pregnant until proven otherwise!

Friday, we got to the RE's office and met with the embryologist. He shared that 5 of 7 eggs fertilized and that 3 of the 5 have fragmented. So we had 2 embryos for transfer. He was not nice and he made it plain that my embryos were better last cycle. He basically gave us no hope. I said "ok," with tears in my eyes and just waited for the man to leave HJ and I alone.

Dr Gruff on the other hand was wonderful. He said that we have 2 embryos that are capable of making babies...literally. He was so hopeful and warm. I remembered why I love him again. He is gruff but a serious marshmallow inside.

So now I remain resolutely positive. I refuse to doubt my faith and to doubt my babies. This IVF cycle will work and that is that!

Today is day 1 of the 2ww and I plan to hpt on day 12.

Lucky number 7

I got 7 eggs yesterday and I feel like I hit the fertility jackpot! I am oozing happiness even through the haze of all the drugs they gave me. Yesterday went surprisingly well. I did not make an ass of myself while in a psychogenic state (yay) and I do not have many unpleasant memories either. All I recall from the procedure is a bunch of disembodied faces and images... the embryologist with a New Zealand accent... the screen showing white blobs (my eggs)... HJ helping me off the table.... the RE covering my legs with sterile paper.... and an assistant talking to me about baby powder (WTF?!) I had a good day. HJ also shared that Dr Gruff said he cannot imagine why I am not already pregnant... what a nice change in attitude!

So now I wait until this afternoon when I call the RE's office and ask about fertilization... fingers crossed please.

Lastly, one of the drugs they gave me yesterday was Halcyon.... how very Valley of The Dolls. :)

ER tomorrow

Egg retrieval is scheduled tomorrow morning and I am filled with glee. I am not gleeful about the process itself, certainly not at the stabbing of my ovaries through my uterus (that part I hate), but I am gleeful about what I expect will be the outcome. I think I will get at least 6 mature eggs-- which is great for me!

This cycle certainly has been different from the last one. Everything has matured quickly and my E2 has continued to rise. Dr Gruff says that the rising E2 suggests good egg quality. Last cycle my E2 was rather low. So yay! I am hoping for good eggs, easy fertilization, embryos to freeze and 2 embryos to carry around in my uterus. All of this (of course) will be followed by a positive beta and a healthy 9 months!

If you are thinking that I am being overly optimistic, you are partially right. I have decided that I am putting the positives out there into the universe and waiting for my faith to be rewarded. I have not become a convert of "the secret" just yet but I cannot imagine that worrying will help, thus the positive energy.

Also I like the idea of saying good-bye to IVF... surely 3 is plenty?!

Finding my footing

Things are okay here. I still don't have a huge number of follicles but my E2 has risen to a nice healthy level. The RE (Dr. Gruff) wants to look at my blood levels and follies again tomorrow. He said that we will most likely trigger tomorrow night then do egg retrieval on Tuesday and a 3 day transfer on Friday. We are hoping for about 6 good eggs.

I found my happy place and I am back to calm-centered Cindy (as opposed to yesterday's hormone-laden emotionally volatile Cindy). It is good to be back. Oddly I found my center walking around a new-age store. HJ and I were looking at crystals and such and found one that was supposed to help fertility. I toyed with purchasing one as a goof. Then I just stopped. I realized that I have stayed very connected to my faith this cycle, and I refuse to symbolically hand over my peace to some stones. So even though I have not made a basketful of eggs and I have moved faster than we planned, all is well. My body knows what to do and everything is progressing just as it should. (If any of you are currently using the Anji meditation CD, you will recognize those statements.)

A woman on the edge

To set your collective mind at ease, I did not actually kill anyone yesterday. What I did do was call my boss and request to work at home. I explained my emotionally unfit state; she laughed and agreed that I should stay home. I had a lovely time. I generally love my job but the team I supervise is secretly called the "island of misfit toys." And they are all very misfit-like. They are kind and dedicated women but they try my patience at least 3x per week. They cannot seem to maintain boundaries among themselves or with their clients and their personalities are just.... well... annoying. So as one might imagine, working when I am all crazy-hormonal would just be a recipe for disaster.

Today I am still in the emotionally questionable category but seem to be better. I just left my RE's office for monitoring. I do not know how my blood work looks yet but I do know that my follies are rapidly developing. The doc gave me an Ant@gon shot as a "first aid kit"to make certain that I do not ovulate too soon. This does not sound promising. Also I have only 1-2 follicles on my right ovary and 7-8 follicles on my left ovary (that are of decent size). I am very jealous of women who make 1o or more mature eggs in a single IVF cycle. I have not made 10 mature eggs in both my previous cycles combined!

As I write this, I can finally admit to myself that I am wigging out. I am worried about egg quality and disappointed with my lack of productiveness. Follies developing too quickly can mean reduced quality and I wonder if we have just stimulated those old, yucky PCO follies to develop. Ugh. I also hoped that cycling without birth control pills would allow me to make tons of healthy eggs. No ovaries filled to the brim with follicles and questionable quality.... let the waterworks begin.

OMG, there is a young pregnant teen across the room from me in Paner@. She is drinking a Mountain Dew and has a pack of cigarettes sitting on her table....Must fight the urge to throttle the thoughtlessly fertile....

I am going to have to accept that this whole process is out of my control. I have been using my Anji guided meditation CD I downloaded and it is helping me maintain my peace. I am going to try to find my happy place and send happy growing and healthy vibes to my ovaries and follicles. Who knows maybe I have already created half the DNA for my future child?

I am evil

Four days of stim injections have been easy until today. Now I think the hormones are affecting my mood. Ok, the hormones are definitely affecting my mood.

Until today I have been perkier than normal. I did supervision with my staff yesterday and I was nice. I supported them and celebrated their victories and generally felt as though I had the emotional energy to bring out the best in my staff. We even laughed alot! Today, I may hurt someone.

This morning I got angry with HJ because she could not find the tv remote (gotta watch the Weather Channel). I got frustrated with her because she asked me to pick up some things at the store (which I told her I planned to go to). And I almost cried because she did not reassure me in the way I wanted.... see I am officially off-balance today. Finally I had to say "You better just leave. I cannot be trusted to be nice." She left for work.

I hope I don't see many people at work today because I will either cry, scream or bite off some one's head. I am evil.

Picture pages

Q-Caps... I have about 100 of these and I have no idea what to do with all of them. I have 1 per vial of Meno.pur yet I only use 1 Q-Cap per 4 vials. I also found a bag of left over Q-Caps from last cycle. Is there anyone crafty out there? Can these be made into some sort of project like a necklace or bracelet or anything? No?? Okay, anyone need a flat of Q-Caps?


My birthday cake....which I loved! It was quite pretty in real life but looks less great in the photo.

And the obligatory shot of my cycle meds and such.

Oh, don't judge me for my blue countertops. I promise these were not my choice.

Happy birthday to me!

Yesterday was my 36th birthday. We had a lovely day really.

I went to the RE for my suppression check and everything looked great. Tonight I start taking stims then I go back to the RE Friday to get a look at my follies. I will be using 4 vials of Meno.pur per day, which is about $320 into my ovaries every day. Those lazy bitches are expensive! Let the twice daily stabbings begin.

Then we went out to dinner with about 10 friends. It was a wonderful evening. We laughed alot and I got to spend time with all my favorite people.

But I must share HJ's utter card failure. She presented me with a lovely card which was all loving but not birthday related. It is the 3 flap kind of card. She had written on the back of flap #1. I open up the whole thing to find that I wrote on flap #3 when I originally gave her the card for our anniversary 3 years ago! Apparently, she forgot to buy a birthday card and quickly grabbed one from the stash she keeps in her desk drawer. Rather than grabbing a new card, she got one I gave her years ago. She was mortified! I thought it was too funny!

Last notes: 1 year ago yesterday, I found out I was pregnant. I am trying not to think about all the implications that go along with that thought.

Quiet

Nothing to report here really, which is a good thing.

I take the daily Lupron shots and they are fine. I have left behind the crushing Lupron headache, yay! Basically we are just waiting around for AF. HJ and I did realize that her new research protocol will require her to miss most of my appointments since she is the primary investigator. Sad, but fine. I did throw a little fit about her needing to do whatever it takes to come for my ER. I hate that day. It hurts and I act crazy. Seriously.

The day of my last ER, we were waiting in a quiet, dark room for my meds to kick in. I began worrying that I would forget my shoes. (I know it's a strange worry.) The nurse came to get me. I began to walk then threw my arms open wide and planted my feet, yelling, "Wait, I need my.... foot covers!" HJ gathered up my shoes and we went to the procedure room. HJ tried to help me get onto the table after I changed into the paper gown. I refused to be helped. Instead, I mounted the table like an Olympic gymnast on the pommel horse. I am not renown for my grace and certainly not while heavily medicated. Then during the procedure I cursed at the doctor a little. I have no memory of anything past worrying about my shoes. See, I need my girl for this day!

HJ is not cycling this month and she is excited about the beyond belief. Who knows, I may never talk her into another IUI again?

waterworks

I cannot decide if I am having a Lupron side effect or if this is the same side effect TTC has gifted me with for almost 2 years.... I cry, alot!

Crying is not my usual thing to do. Sure I am a softy but I used to rarely cry. Years as a therapist have taught me ways to not cry because crying right along with an abuse survivor generally sends the wrong message (and so on). For pete's sake I did not even cry at my own grandmother's funeral. I cried later because crying in front of all those people felt like an invasion. You get the picture.

Now, I cry with impunity! Over the weekend, HJ sent me a love note via email. I had not even told her about my bad day, so I cried. Next I opened a forwarded email from a friend about how women support one another through friendship, and I cried again. Lastly, I opened an email from a friend telling me her IVF worked....and I sobbed! Really, loud gasping sobs that made the dogs run up to snuggle with me. I was so happy for DB (not even jealous a bit!) and I sat on my bed sobbing and saying a silent prayer.

This is just odd. Is it the Lupron or has TTC broken me? *wink*

Oh, some people asked if I gave my boss permission to share my TTC information with my coworkers. The answer is "no." I told my boss about IVF because my appointments meant that I had to miss some important grant meetings. She was always super-supportive, especially through the m/c. Then with IVF #2, a coworker let it slip that she knew what was going on with me. I almost laughed at the "oh shit, I wasn't supposed to know" look on her face. So I knew my boss had told everyone. Now everyone just asks me directly. My boss is pretty great so I do not want to damage our relationship by confronting her. Hence, my glorious lack of privacy at work.

** Edit** I would like to amend my previous statement about lack of symptoms. I now have the crushing Lupron headache that I got during my 1st IVF cycle. Tylenol please!